My Story

[jon]

I've been struggling with failure, and not helping myself by calculating the Return on Investment from living versus dying. The bottom line is my family would be significantly better off financially with me dead.

I am 41, 3 children and a wife whom I've been married to for almost 15 years. From the outside, I seem to have it all. On the inside, though, I have a sexless marriage; my kids would sell me for an iPod; and my wife constantly disparages our lifestyle, which is strictly middle class.

When we married, it seemed that I would be a success. Master's from an Ivy League institution. Fellowships during college. Work history beginning from the age of 15...

Over time, though, I have repeatedly failed at everything I've set out to do. I rose to a mid-level position in government, before hitting a ceiling. I tried to get a federal job, and failed on four separate occasions. I then joined my father's company, where essentially, I am a charity case.

And, I have MS. I've been stable, but I'm not sure there is anyone who has ever had MS who has not wound up dying from it eventually.

Please tell me: what the f*** is the point of living if everyone associated with you would be happier and better off with you dead?

[missvelia]

You shouldn't think like that. The point of life isn't success or how high up you are class-wise. Those are just things that help add to the real purpose of life, which is being together and enjoying life while you still have it. Isn't it kind of defeating the purpose if all you do is obsess over what you don't have? You have no reason to beat yourself up. You didn't bring this on yourself. Yeah, I mean maybe you didn't go as far as you wanted, but there are lots of people who don't have any ambition in life or half the things you have. And your kids...kids never seem to appreciate their parents, but if they knew how a lot of parents let their kids suffer abuse or go on with nothing, they would. My main point though is just that you have a lot more than a lot of people have, integrity-wise and material-wise, so why waste your time being upset over what you don't? There's nothing you can do, so just enjoy the time you have together while you still can.

[balcony]

Hi ((((((Jon)))))))

I am so at a loss upon reading your words, not because I agree with your analysis, but because I can understand your feelings. Any type of physical illness can have a catastrophic effect on one's ability to cope and maintain hope and a positive attitude. I am sorry your MS is a factor and I hope you are in the more mild phase of the illness.

As far as your mental state, have you considered seeing someone to discuss how you feel? Each person in a family has his/her own levels of stress and often times become so wrapped up in it that they forget to acknowledge the persons they most care about. I am sure your family loves you and needs you.

I hope the future becomes clearer and brighter for you soon, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, Hugs