Life is never easy, and scars never heal ..

[scars-of-hope]

I am a 15 year old girl, and i have suffered from depression for the last few years. Every now and then i will go a few months of being happy, but then the depression always comes back eventually.
At the start i would cut myself every now and then, nothing major, but this year things have gotten out of hand. I would try and suffocate myself, take pills, and cut myself regulary and sometimes quite deep.
A few months ago i over dossed on panadol, and my mother had to call an ambulance to take me to hospital. I was then put in counselling, but i didn't open up, i pretending it was a one off thing, and that i was fine, but i know that im not. After that i was cutting myself more often than usual.
Lately i have stopped self harming, and have started going out to parties, getting drunk, and hooking up with boys instead. And i have gotten a little bit of a reputation.
I can't seem to even go a full day of being happy, and even though i want to happy, for some strange reason that i dont understand, the depression and self harm is sort of comforting ...

[Al]

Its rare anyone posts what i always think, depression can be comforting in a twisted way cant it? That at least i can rely on. Often i just dont care if i am "ill", its just how i am. If im different, so be it. But it does impact on my life, makes me do and say things i regret.
I started feling like you at about 13yrs old, and in 20yrs since has never gone away. Some weeks/months are better than others, but it is always there, waiting around the corner. All i can say is that like me you might find a way to deal with it in time, but it took me years. You have stopped self harming at least, and some people do that for decades without finding the strength to stop.
And as far as getting a reputation goes, if you were a boy people would slap you on the back every time you slept with someone. As long as it is on your terms and you are not being took advantage of, so what? Girls are always judged differently for that even by other girls, dont let it bother you. You are not the sum total of what others think of you reputation and character are two different things.

[scars-of-hope]

It's nice to know that i'm not the only one that feels this way, i was beginning to think there is something wrong with me!
I don't understand, how a guy can do what he likes, sleep with as many girls as he wants, and he is loved even more for it, but when a girl does it, everyone turns on her, and lose complete respect for her. It makes no sense, but i guess many things in life don't make sense.
Thankyou Al.

[Al]

No life doesnt make much sense, but i think thats half the fun of it Why didnt you open up in therapy though? Some people find it very useful, although it never much helped me tbh. Doesnt mean it wont work for you. I wish someone had told me that things could get better when i was your age, i really thought i was a freak and only a few weirdos felt like i do.
NOT TRUE lol, it's more common than you would think. Stick with it s.o.h. life can get awsome when you least expect it. You have a whole world outside your doorstep, and a million things you can do or see. Not that bad when you think about it is it?
Glad my reply helped a little, sorry i didnt get back quicker but dont come here an awful lot.