ok my story long and winded sorry

[Blaze]

I am 56 years old, have had pretty bad mental problems since I was, that I can remember around 10 years old, very withdrawn from people, which I still am, even my parent could not understand what was wrong with me, we are talking back in the 60s,(parents would take us to family gatherings, I would sit in a corner and never speak) when depression and things like that were not talked about much. Now here I am 56, and I still feel as if a black cloud is always above me, or some demon has always been inside me, I know crazy, but the list of things I can put down would actually make a novel. But to make a long story short, I lost two unborn children when I was way younger that still haunts me (and could never have children since) I tried college and tried as I might I could not get anything right, heck I even went into the army and couldn't even get that right and was discharged, I have tried job after job and nothing, I mean nothing every goes right, no matter how hard I try, nothing goes right, I tried to stay positive with a uplifting attitude, but its finally coming to a end where I realize, at my age, and the times we have now, nothing is ever going to change, so I now have switched to the bottle, and end up sleeping 90% of my time away.