Looking for severe help from any where

[Revankist]

Hello out there to anyone reading and I appreciate your time. My story is a little long so I appreciate anyone's time, words of encouragement, or advice.
I am 21. I have had a very depressing life, between drunk and abusive parents, living in the shadow of a "can do no wrong" older sister, and not having much of a child hood b/c i was forced to grow up at a very young age or take the chance my parents would beat me, among a lot more drama I won't mention unless you ask. I have dated a very lovely lady for 6 years, on and off, also long distance the whole time. She also comes from a very broken home. She is 3 years younger than me. Before we dated we were friends and at the time she was dating a very mentally abusive boy her age for 2 years. She developed feelings for me, and I her, but I hid mine so I did not cause drama. I love her so incredibly much, I won't say I rely on her for everything but she does complete me, she is my world, my everything.
In Febuary, this year we met for the first time face to face and it was amazing, she was everything i imagined and even more, she was so perfect to me, and the week was the best of my entire life.
About 2 months ago we had it planned to go out to my cousins wedding together, and while we were out in the country i was going to propose, but she left me one week before the wedding, then I found out she went back to her abusive ex, and they have not dated for 4 years, then after two weeks, she dropped everything she had where she lived, left her job, and family and moved to California to move in with him and his parents. i have not talked to her in almost a month now and my heart is just breaking every day. it breaks into smaller pieces by the minute. i dream of her every night, i wake up all the time in my sleep, I can hardly sleep, last 2 weeks i ran on only 14 hours of sleep for 14 days. i think of her constantly and everyone is telling me adive that isn't helping me, i am seeing a councilor but it's not doing much good if any, my friends are ignoring me outright. So i'm all alone, my parents yell at me that they told me she was just a user and i don't wanna hear it.
I wanna give up on her, but to me I'd rather just take my own life. I think of her constantly and yearn to talk to her, but the thoughts are breaking me mentally b/c i don't want to think of her, and the yearn to talk to her breaks my heart b/c i refuse to b/c i want to give her the space she needs/wants so she will either see for herself that she has thrown away something good(hopefully) or that she can live out her life the way she wants to and be happy.
I want to know her reasoning behind it all but she would only tell me "things change" but I don't think they change as drastically as she is saying they have without a very good reason and she doesn't seem to have any reason.
Some people say me dreaming of her means she is thinking of me, but I wanna know if it's true or not but I refuse to talk to her b/c i don't want to push her away, or make her think i am trying to control her. But I wanna know the future, will she come back? Do I need to walk away forever? I wanna end it all and just escape this torture, but is it really worth it?
If anyone can relate or would just like to talk I will always listen to anyone, and I would really love to have the friendship.

[Kaily Y]

Salutations,

My name is Kaily. I'm sorry to hear about the troubles that have befallen you within your life and I know that most anyone else on this site would help you out the best they could as well but, I was hoping I could help in any little way I could.
Although I cannot relate to such a harsh childhood I have had a fair glimpse of what it is like feel as though parts of your life have passed you by.
I do however have a strong relation to your latter feelings: The yearning to see someone and speak with them, the uncontrollable way your mind cannot stop thinking of them and even more so the reality that they are no longer around as you wish they were. As a fellow long distant 21-year-old friend maker I can understand how a strong bond can be formed even when they are not always right beside you.
I don't think anyone could tell you the real reason your friend chose to do what she did except her, and clearly she's not talking. I hope your get some clarity on the subject one day.

Through my own experience I've learned two things: Life is precious and I will always care about the bond I made with that person however incredibly painful it may be at times.
I don't think anyone should or will ask you to not care about her and keep the memories for yourself. And I wont tell you that it will be an easy road to nulling those feelings, as I still struggle with them myself, but the third option is certainly not the right one.
Do whatever it takes to convince yourself of that my friend.

There is unlikely any advice I can give you that you have not already heard unfortunately.
Maybe we can both find the right thing to do someday.

I wish you the best.
Stay safe.

[Revankist]

Thank you very much for replying Kaily, I appreciate the message and the support.
I mentioned that i had an abusive childhood but I look back on it and it doesn't really bother me, if it happened to someone else I would be sickened but i have just come to terms that I deserved it on some level. My real depression stems from the thought of losing someone I would consider me soul mate permanently, I never care for my past b/c its dead and gone, I just always looked to the future, a wonderful future with her and thats been ripped away and torn to shreds. I'm basically rebuilding my life all alone, and I tell myself its for me when I am content with how it was, then I long to improve it for someone else.
I will always have an ear to listen to anything you have to say about anything. Thank you again.

[Heather88240]

Hello. I just wanted to say try to hang in there. I'm going through a divorce and we have 4 kids. I don't want the divorce but I can't change his mind so I'm kinda in the same boat as far as him not wanting me anymore. I'm like you, I want the pain to go away but I have 4 kids that I have to put before me. You're 21, you have a full life ahead of you. You had a life before her, and you can have a life after her. I have been married for 15 years and have almost totally forgotten that I had a life without him. I have been married since I was 18 so I've been with him almost half my life. I'm determined to make a new life and if I can do it, you can too. You have to remember that you WILL meet someone else. And you're going to find someone that's going to want you just as much as you want her, I promise. I don't know how religious you are, but I've been praying a LOT! It does seem to help me. Like I said before, hang in there. My husband has been abusive to me also and I want him back. I don't know how to explain why. I think part of it is because he has said that he hurt me because I deserved it. Somedays I believe that and somedays I don't. This may be the issue with your ex-girlfriend. I feel like the only way my husband can accept me, for the times he says I acted out to deserve getting thrown out of my house, is to remain with him. If he were to stay with me, then I would feel like I'm not as bad a person as he says I am. Maybe your girlfriend is looking for this same acceptance? Everyone is different though, I don't know her situation. I wish you well and please know you're life is worth so much and you have so much to look forward to.

[kathyuna]

I felt that i can really related to your feeling, constantly thinking bout the one that not wanting you anymore. I can't find a solution for myself yet, but I hope to be friend too, and so we can both find our way to walk out from this. I felt that there's no road in front of mw now, but i still continue walking, althought i'm not sure where's the way yet. I wish i can provide some support to you too.

[Revankist]

I would like to state that I can feel mydepression growing out of my control so as of now I am on anti-depression pills. I have 0 releif from my stress and drama. It's in my personal life, b/c I am all alone and have to give up all the plans i had to give her and I a good life together, and I am now battling inside my head whether the past 6 years I loved her was nothing more than a lie, or if they actually meant anything. It is in my family b/c both my parents are disrespectful drunks, and don't give a dam how I feel. It's in my work life b/c I am tired of being walked all over and I can no longer deal with it, I also have a back injury due to work and I can no longer work out or exercise until the doctor clears me. I feel the urge to kill myself rising more and more every hour.
I swore I would beat the depresion of my loss without the help of pills but with 0 releif from any of it I have no choice. I call hotlines almost everyday just so i have someone to talk to, but it's not helping anymore b/c it seems that they all have a time limit on how long they can talk. 30 minutes is some times enough but at other times I need more. Since all of my friends ignore me i am utterly alone, it's all i can do to drag myself out of bed and not just do something regretable.

[kathyuna]

I'm feeling almost the same way as well. But I believe loving someone with all you have, is not nothing and is not a lie. So don't ever think that all that love was a waste. Message me if you really need someone to.talk. I'll try to reply as soon as I can. I once feeling too depressed, but can't even find a single friend to be by my side as well. So, at least, get someone to talk to.