Looking for someone who relates

[flowerchild]

My whole life I have been battling depression. I've encountered it all, from the abusive father who destroys your self image to the failed expectations of a rich family. I never have been happy with myself, I have seen various therapists for which my mom has tried so hard to deface my assault, they never knew about my depression. But sending me to college only created more of these unwanted situations that I thought would have ended. Life is hell, i understand. But for being nineteen, I feel like I am the only one who understands that life isn't a game. When you feel you trust someone, they end up pushing you into a hole you won't bother to escape. I hate my current relationship but because of my low self esteem (even though life has handed me great opportunities) I continue to feel unworthy, nobody will understand me. My cry spells have taken a toll, I feel pain, and am wanting to recover from everything. I am going to see a therapist soon, I don't know how to reveal a lifelong string of hopelessness and fait when I always put on that smile from which everyone is familiar. I'm tired of covering up.
Love

[jj]

welcome flowerchild

what stopped you from opening up to your family?

'even though life has handed me great opportunities' - you created all the opportunities for yourself. they didnt arise out of nowhere. dont be so hard on yourself!

how do you know nobody will understand you hun?

thats good you are taking the steps to make things better for you. best of luck. ' I don't know how to reveal a lifelong string of hopelessness and fait '- maybe start at the beginning, first thing that comes to mind. you said youve seen various therapists, so im sure you know the best way is to just be honest, to them, and to yourself.

if youre tired of covering up, dont cover up anymore- i know it is easier said than done, but it is possible, and most certainly acceptable

hugs to you!

[leftover_2]

I can relate to what you said about not knowing how to tell a therapist your concerns. This is a problem i feel i would have myself as it's something I would find difficult to talk to someone i didn't know, especially if when i had an appointment i did perhaps no longer feel as low as i did but still know that while the feelings are not on the surface they will certainly arise again and for potentially a long period of time. I'm also concerned that if I don't resolve problems now i'll carry them over into uni life.

I guess if you see a therapist now, independent of your parents (as i presume you're living at collage rather then with them) things might be different.