I was molested through much of my childhood until I was strong enough too stand up for myself. I still feel odd about the fact that my molester bribed me into being calm in his deeds as he told me if I let him do what he wanted he would leave my many female cousins alone. I did not ever want him to hurt anyone else. In fact when he was going to move some of my female cousins in with him is when I truly stood up to him and made threats to his life - I was 16/17 at the time... that was when the ptsd really began to make it's face known.
When I told my "family" they did not believe me and blamed me for creating a big drama. The truth is that the way I was treated and hated by my mother made me a prime target for his abuse and my father was an angry hateful man who lives for his narcissism.
I withdrew from the family emotionally and two years ago ensured that those who hurt me would never be in my life again.
Just over a week ago they found us... after pleading for maybe 20 seconds to talk they launched into all of the usual stuff - All of my faults being yelled in the street to hear. I remember as a child asking why my brother was beaten and I was not... the woman who had minutes before been declaring her love for me brought that up and told me how much she wishes she would have punched me in my face on that day and how much she wanted to now... The thing is in the two years of no contact I have begun to find a strong self within myself so all I did was offer her the chance to go for it... calmly.... I was so proud of myself... they do not scare me anymore and there is no residual love there - I think that they weren't expecting to meet *me* - but some sad little bitch so easily manipulated.
The trouble is I have ptsd and having been under high levels of stress the weeks leading to this it has been triggered.... the memories I can deal with... the flashbacks are a bitch but I can rationalise but the biology of it.... it is breaking me.... I am exhausted...
I am having to drop so many things in my life right now as I just need to look after my kids, my husband and my house - it is about as much as I can do. That is so unlike me!
I have tried to be brief, I don't know how much I can and should share here.
I am trying really hard to keep afloat but it is too difficult right now and on some level I want to completely sink but on every other I just have to look at my children and find the reasons to smile for them.
Thankyou for reading this.
My story
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St8arrow
Re: My story
[quote="Survivingbyholdingon"]
I was molested through much of my childhood until I was strong enough too stand up for myself. I still feel odd about the fact that my molester bribed me into being calm in his deeds as he told me if I let him do what he wanted he would leave my many female cousins alone.
I did not ever want him to hurt anyone else. In fact when he was going to move some of my female cousins in with him is when I truly stood up to him and made threats to his life - I was 16/17 at the time... that was when the ptsd really began to make it's face known.
From St8arrow
Having stood up to him and threatened him with violence, you then started thinking how he would become violent with you to stop you from being violent to him. After all, you already knew that he wasn't exactly a "normal" person behaviorally.
This is part of the reason why the onset of PTSD started happening to you. Since that happened a long time ago, you should cling to that thought, and all of that time should help to reduce or eliminate the "hold" that the PTSD currently has on you.
From Sbyho: (Survivingbyholdingon)
When I told my "family" they did not believe me and blamed me for creating a big drama. The truth is that the way I was treated and hated by my mother made me a prime target for his abuse and my father was an angry hateful man who lives for his narcissism.
From St8arrow
This unfortunately is a typical reaction, especially if the woman in this case, (your mother) is economically reliant on your (father). I put father in brackets because he doesn't deserve to be called that way. Monster would be more appropriate.
From Sbyho:
I withdrew from the family emotionally and two years ago ensured that those who hurt me would never be in my life again.
From St8arrow
Good for you.
From Sbyho
Just over a week ago they found us... after pleading for maybe 20 seconds to talk they launched into all of the usual stuff - All of my faults being yelled in the street to hear. I remember as a child asking why my brother was beaten and I was not... the woman who had minutes before been declaring her love for me brought that up and told me how much she wishes she would have punched me in my face on that day and how much she wanted to now... The thing is in the two years of no contact I have begun to find a strong self within myself so all I did was offer her the chance to go for it... calmly.... I was so proud of myself...
From St8arrow
Good for you. You know that they are liars and they wanted to find out if they could control you and/or scare you into doing whatever they wanted. They probably needed money and that was their way of asking for it in a round-about and threatening way.
From Sbyho
They do not scare me anymore and there is no residual love there - I think that they weren't expecting to meet *me* - but some sad little bitch so easily manipulated.
From St8arrow
You are absolutely right --- You've been right all along. You're absolutely right and they are wrong. Gee that sounds like a song doesn't it.
From Sbyho
The trouble is I have ptsd and having been under high levels of stress the weeks leading to this it has been triggered.... the memories I can deal with... the flashbacks are a bitch but I can rationalise but the biology of it.... it is breaking me.... I am exhausted...
I am having to drop so many things in my life right now as I just need to look after my kids, my husband and my house - it is about as much as I can do. That is so unlike me!
I have tried to be brief, I don't know how much I can and should share here.
I am trying really hard to keep afloat but it is too difficult right now and on some level I want to completely sink.
From St8arrow
I am somewhat illiterate on this internet stuff. I erased the rest of your submission by mistake. It had the best part of your whole story. "I have to be cheerful for my children." Stand up and take a bow young lady. You are a heroine. But don't inject the damn stuff.
I was molested through much of my childhood until I was strong enough too stand up for myself. I still feel odd about the fact that my molester bribed me into being calm in his deeds as he told me if I let him do what he wanted he would leave my many female cousins alone.
I did not ever want him to hurt anyone else. In fact when he was going to move some of my female cousins in with him is when I truly stood up to him and made threats to his life - I was 16/17 at the time... that was when the ptsd really began to make it's face known.
From St8arrow
Having stood up to him and threatened him with violence, you then started thinking how he would become violent with you to stop you from being violent to him. After all, you already knew that he wasn't exactly a "normal" person behaviorally.
This is part of the reason why the onset of PTSD started happening to you. Since that happened a long time ago, you should cling to that thought, and all of that time should help to reduce or eliminate the "hold" that the PTSD currently has on you.
From Sbyho: (Survivingbyholdingon)
When I told my "family" they did not believe me and blamed me for creating a big drama. The truth is that the way I was treated and hated by my mother made me a prime target for his abuse and my father was an angry hateful man who lives for his narcissism.
From St8arrow
This unfortunately is a typical reaction, especially if the woman in this case, (your mother) is economically reliant on your (father). I put father in brackets because he doesn't deserve to be called that way. Monster would be more appropriate.
From Sbyho:
I withdrew from the family emotionally and two years ago ensured that those who hurt me would never be in my life again.
From St8arrow
Good for you.
From Sbyho
Just over a week ago they found us... after pleading for maybe 20 seconds to talk they launched into all of the usual stuff - All of my faults being yelled in the street to hear. I remember as a child asking why my brother was beaten and I was not... the woman who had minutes before been declaring her love for me brought that up and told me how much she wishes she would have punched me in my face on that day and how much she wanted to now... The thing is in the two years of no contact I have begun to find a strong self within myself so all I did was offer her the chance to go for it... calmly.... I was so proud of myself...
From St8arrow
Good for you. You know that they are liars and they wanted to find out if they could control you and/or scare you into doing whatever they wanted. They probably needed money and that was their way of asking for it in a round-about and threatening way.
From Sbyho
They do not scare me anymore and there is no residual love there - I think that they weren't expecting to meet *me* - but some sad little bitch so easily manipulated.
From St8arrow
You are absolutely right --- You've been right all along. You're absolutely right and they are wrong. Gee that sounds like a song doesn't it.
From Sbyho
The trouble is I have ptsd and having been under high levels of stress the weeks leading to this it has been triggered.... the memories I can deal with... the flashbacks are a bitch but I can rationalise but the biology of it.... it is breaking me.... I am exhausted...
I am having to drop so many things in my life right now as I just need to look after my kids, my husband and my house - it is about as much as I can do. That is so unlike me!
I have tried to be brief, I don't know how much I can and should share here.
I am trying really hard to keep afloat but it is too difficult right now and on some level I want to completely sink.
From St8arrow
I am somewhat illiterate on this internet stuff. I erased the rest of your submission by mistake. It had the best part of your whole story. "I have to be cheerful for my children." Stand up and take a bow young lady. You are a heroine. But don't inject the damn stuff.
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