My Story Day by Day

[RadleySnow]

I'm not good at recalling things from the past all at once. Terrible memory problems. But I was just thinking, my story is not just about past events up til now. It's about the past, sure, but it's also about today, tomorrow, and whatever comes after. So I wanna use this as a place to come and write out my thoughts and things that happen in my life as they happen. I might not do it every day, but I'm going to try to write often. I need something routine like this to do anyway. Anything I write will likely be very unorganized, since when I write things like this I write just as I think rather than trying to give it structure. I'm not writing a novel after all. So who knows if anyone will ever read any of this or if it will be worth reading, but here goes my first entry.


Today. It's been... iffy... between my problems with my fiancé and good things happening to me personally, I think iffy is a good word. My fiancé is moving again. He says he'll be two hours away but when I look it up it says half an hour. I don't know which one of us has it confused but I guess it doesn't really matter. I don't get to see him much anymore and he's already angry about that. I just hope he'll be happier and have the support he needs when he moves. Maybe then things will in turn improve for us. In the meantime, I just want him to take time for himself and just be able to be happy about getting out of the terrible situation he was living in before.
My day otherwise wasn't too bad. I cleaned out my closet entirely and got rid of tons of stuff which actually really made me feel good. My floor is still covered with junk though. I'm hoping to work on that tomorrow. I've always hated cleaning of any kind, but lately I've found that the end results actually give me a great feeling about myself. My whole family went to a steakhouse for dinner, which also brought a smile to my face as it always does. Anyone who knows me well knows I won't say no to a steak and sweet potato. I went to the book store afterward and finally got The Lord of the Rings complete set. I had actually need seen the movies until a few months ago and it made me want to read the books so I get to begin that journey now. Reading is a great escape for me. I can tune out everything else and just get lost for a while. I'm probably gonna be up all night again so maybe I'll start reading it when I'm done writing here. Which I think I am. Can't think of anything else to say right now... so yeah, this is it until the next time I decide to write!

[RadleySnow]

Today I've realized that many kinds of fear are what rule and control my life... Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of just fear itself... I don't want to be afraid... I don't want to be like this... it's not right and I know it's childish to say, but it's just not fair... I have so much to be happy about and thankful for, and believe me, I am. I'm thankful for so much and I appreciate that my life has given me many opportunities and priveleges that so many people might not ever get. It just doesn't feel right though... Like I'd give up everything if it meant being happy, but even then I don't think things would ever be right. Don't get me wrong, this is not about me having material things in place of happiness, that is not the case. I just don't know how to handle myself... It's like I'm broken or something... There's something missing...

[RadleySnow]

I came back from my vacation to Tennessee a few days ago. It was alright for the most part. I got to see the Tennessee Aquarium. I've always had a thing for aquariums. I think it opens up my sense of wonder and adoration for things I cannot fathom such as just how huge the oceans are and the fact that we know so little about our world because so much of it is hidden. It also made me think that maybe I should try a fish tank again. In the shark tunnel area there was a small crawlspace that led to an underwater bubble that was meant for little kids, but being the big kid I am I went through it anyway and let me tell you, I could have sat there for hours watching all the little fish swarming around, the one parrotfish chasing off any other fish that got too close to its hole, and all the sharks drifting past. Maybe a mini aquarium of my own would help me relax. I definitely need it... I'm now truly scared of my fiancé leaving me... we haven't seen each other for about two months and he's threatening to leave if I don't move in with him soon... I think it's very unfair of him to give me an ultimatum like this because he knows somewhere in that stubborn head of his that there's no way we could support each other right now and probably not anytime soon since he recently was laid off from his job and I do not have a job. He's so upset and so mad at me that I don't even know what to say to him, but if I don't talk to him, he just gets angrier... I dont know what to do... There's nothing I can do... I just know, even though it terrifies me, that I'm going to lose him... and probably soon too... I don't know what will happen to me if he leaves, I truly don't... And I hate that I have no one to go to for help or comfort or even just a few kind words, anything... I would normally go to him for everything. I have no friends. None that truly care about things like this or care that I have any kind of problem at all. The most I'll ever get is "Oh, well, sorry." And then they'll keep talking about whatever else. I'm not trying to get attention, but everyone needs a bit of an outlet and a shoulder to cry on and someone who's always gonna be there to hug you or at least pat you on the back and tell you everythings going to be okay. You know what I mean? I don't have that. I have my pillow to cry into every night. I even came here, to this website. I swore I'd never resort to something like blogging or trying to find friends online or joining a site like this. To me that kind of thing was like an outcry of desperation. Yet here I am. And I've still found no trace of comfort, peace, whatever you want to call it. I still have nothing. I thought this was supposed to be a place for support...

[RadleySnow]

I'm still spiraling down... I got a call from my college today about trying to fix my grades... I don't even know if I passed or failed anything really... I know I for sure completely failed one class, and I'm pretty sure I failed the other three... if I didn't, then I just barely passed... My GPA dropped from a 2.8 to a 2.0... I just know that even when I'm able to prove that I did turn in the assignments that they say I never did, nothing will change... I'll still be nothing but a failure. I've never been anything but a failure in my parents eyes. My mental problems and depression started showing up as early as the end of second grade. Ever since then, I've had nothing but just barely passing grades... I don't understand why I can't do this... I know what I need to get done and I even plan out how I'm going to do it and most of the time I have things planned so that I have things done early rather than just on time. But it never gets done that way or it just doesn't get done at all and I don't know why.... I'll admit I'm a terrible procrastinator, but thats why I planned the way I did, but when it came to actually getting things done, it's like I literally have a ton of bricks holding me down so I can't do it. Like some sort of mental block straight out of a sci-fi movie or something... I hate it. I hate it so much because no matter how much I try to show my parents or anyone that I truly am trying and that I'll never give anyone any less than my best, it's never enough. I can't do enough and I can't do anything right. It's not an excuse for me, it's my reality... I need help. I really, really need help but when I've tried to reach out to my parents, they just tell me that I never changed anything before, so why would I now and why would it be worth even trying to help me. My mom has said to me so many times and even just a little while ago that I'll never do anything with my life. She told me all I'll ever do is flip burgers and I'd eventually get fired from that. Anymore when I try to tell my parents that I tried my best, or when I tell them I don't know as an answer, they just call me a liar. To my face, they call me a liar. I know to most people 'I don't know' is just an excuse they use to get out of something, or just because they're too lazy of don't want to tell the real reason. When I say it, it's the truth. I say it a lot. Way more than I should or want to, but when I truly have no other answer, even for things I should know, like why I did something that I did, I truly just don't know... something is seriously wrong with me and no one has any idea how much I want to change and do something about the way that I am. I am literally crying out for help, but no one will give me a chance...

[St8arrow]

Hello Radley Snow:

You are a very good writer and I was especially attracted to the following words that I believe occur in your second post.

___________________


Today I've realized that many kinds of fear are what rule and control my life... Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of just fear itself... I don't want to be afraid... I don't want to be like this.

____________________

If you look at the quote at the bottom of all of my submissions, you will see that I am talking about your situation. The trick now is for you to increase your knowledge as much as possible in any of the many achievements that you are involved in.

Unfortunately I see a negative connotation in the move of your fiance about one half hour away and then he says that it is two hours. I think that says that he is looking elsewhere for a life partner. I think you should confront him straight on about this situation.

While your writing style is excellent, your failure to break up your message into paragraphs makes it rather likely that some people will become irritated at your run-on style and simply stop reading before they get a headache. I hope you will take these words in the spirit of constructive criticism for that is my intention.

I am glad that you have chosen this site to vent and write your thoughts. There are many good people here and I believe that you will be glad that you chose this site to visit. WELCOME ABOARD!!

[RadleySnow]

Thank you St8arrow, for a lot of what you said really.
I know I should go back a break all my writing up a bit. I've been meaning to, but when I write this stuff I'm just writing as it flows and I don't really stop and take the time to separate things. The fact that I usually write late at night probably doesn't help either.

[St8arrow]

Hello Radley Snow:

You know of course that your writing is in keeping with Sigmund Freud's ideas about streaming. That is, saying what comes first to your mind. Unfortunately much of what Freud had to say about psychology was wrong. He was right in his belief that fear was important, but he decided that the fears that his patients told him about were not their real fears and then he assigned his own type of fears to the patient.

One of the worst mistakes he made was to pretend that sexual abuse of his younger patients was imaginary and represented the love that a child has for his or her father or mother. In reality, since the father was usually paying for the psychological help that Freud was offering, to accuse that person of incest would certainly have a negative effect on Freud's ability to make money.

Unfortunately that achievement, or rather, the fear of failure in that achievement, deflected Freud away from the truth which finally was corrected many years later by other psychiatrists who believed the children so involved. Sorry for the rather long lecture. I am done.

[RadleySnow]

Actually no, I did not know any of that. I just call it letting it all out and telling it like it is.

[RadleySnow]

I'm not really sure how to describe today... Stable I guess? It wasn't bad but it wasn't my idea of a particularly good day either.
I got to see my cousin for the first time since her wedding last month. We went to see how her new house is coming along. It looks great. The house is 30+ years old and it's pretty small, but I'd probably live there if I could. Nice and cozy and in a quiet, friendly, kind of stereotypical "small-town" area, you know what I mean? After leaving there we stopped by a farmer's market and I bought a bag of kale to try making kale chips. I also got a box of amazing chocolate zucchini cupcakes. Yeah, I know, a lot of people are gonna go "Eww, thats so gross and weird!" Eh, to each his own. I'm a bit of a health nut even if I can down an entire box of cheez-its in one sitting. Cheez-its are my weakness, I'll admit.
Anyway, after the farmer's market we ended up at a local family owned ice cream shop and sat outside at a park while we ate (by the way, I keep saying 'we' and I mean my mom, my sister, and myself). That was a bit relaxing even though there were screaming little kids running around everywhere.
I have also decided to try again getting into a daily routine. My parents complain that I sleep in too long. I guess it depends on who you talk to, but I usually get up around 10am. Sometimes 11 if my insomnia was particularly bad the night before. Personally I don't think 10 is too late, but they want me to be up and moving by 9, so I'm gonna try backing myself up to that time over a few days. I'm not one of those people who can do and instant change sort of thing like that. Also I've decided that since I'll be getting up early that I'm going yobtake my dog out for a walk every morning. He needs the exercise. He's a long-haired dachshund and he is a pretty big boned dachshund to begin with, but he needs to lose 3 or 4 pounds. I just need exercise in general. I'm not overweight, but I don't really do anything, so walking will be a start. I'm also going to start doing yoga on my wii fit in the mornings. I've also started thinking about going back to ballet. I started when I was 18 months old and I quit when I got to 11 years in order to do 4H instead, which I finished after 8 years (you can't remain in 4H after graduating high school). I've actually thought about going back to dance quite often in the last couple of years, but my schedule was always too full with school and 4H. I didn't want to be one of those people that all they do is run from one activity to the other all day every day. I wanted time to myself and time for my friends and just my life in general, and thats what I got. But now I have so much time that I don't do anything because I just don't know what to do anymore. I think ballet will be a great way to fill that space and will be great exercise and a great outlet for me.

[St8arrow]

From one of my previous posts in this site:

While your writing style, (RadleySnow) is excellent, your failure to break up your message into paragraphs makes it rather likely that some people will become irritated at your run-on style and simply stop reading before they get a headache. I hope you will take these words in the spirit of constructive criticism for that is my intention.

_________________________________

My message today:

I am sorry to see that you have chosen not to pay attention to my words written above. I suppose you will think this is nasty of me, but I consider my eyes to be important and I don't intend to get a headache trying to read your run-on messages. Good luck in the future.

[RadleySnow]

I do believe you've already said that in pretty much the exact words, thank you....

[RadleySnow]

I'm sorry you feel that way. My writing here is not for the sole purpose of entertaining others with accounts of things that happen in my life. I could care less if no one read it at all. I'm venting and writing for my own sake. If people read it, fine, if they don't, fine.

However I did say that I had considered going back and editing my posts to make them look a bit nicer, but I have not gotten around to it. I typically write late at night. It is almost 3am right now. My main concern is getting the words typed before I fall asleep. Not spaces between paragraphs and indentations and such.

So to anyone who may happen to be reading this, it doesn't bother me one bit if you don't stick around because of the way I write. Honestly, you are not obligated to read anything anywhere on this site or on the Internet at all, so if you don't like it, don't read it.

[RadleySnow]

I have been cleaning ALL DAY. And my room is still a total wreck. I never realized how much crap I have. Or had anyway, I tossed a lot of stuff and set aside some stuff to give away.
Have you seen IKEA furniture? It tends to be either small or gigantic. Well, I have two floor to ceiling wardrobes in my room, one at each end of my bed, and a floor to ceiling bookshelf. These two wardrobes, I'd say they're two feet wide (probably a little over that though) and the shelves and drawers are two and a half feet in depth at least. There was soooo much junk crammed in both of them... They each gave two big drawers at the bottom and my clothes had become a big wrinkled up ball inside them and I realized I didn't even know half of what was in there. I pulled so much crap that could just be thrown away off all those shelves and reorganized all my things. For example I've been making lots of macramé and friendship bracelets lately just to give myself something to do besides watch tv or sit on the iPad all day, and now all my string and hemp, buttons, scissors, and other assorted beads and closures are in one box on a shelf where I can easily get to it. I managed to get all my clothes either hung up in the closet or folded in drawers. Well, except for the laundry that needs to be done... thats in a pile in the corner because my mother stole my hamper to use as a laundry basket when the basket broke.
Anyway, now there are several plastic bags full of trash (mostly just papers, tags, a couple of glowstick packages, that kind of thing. My room was cluttered, not dirty), three tote boxes of clothes and junk to get rid of, and other assorted items that still need to be put away. I gave up around 1:30am finally because my back was killing me. I made myself put the last of the clothes away and decided the rest is a job for tomorrow.
Besides my back still giving me grief, I have to say it makes me feel good to get things organized and cleaned up. Which is strange, because I absolutely hate cleaning. I would hire someone to do it for me if I had that kind of money, but I don't and likely never will, so I guess it's a good thing that I'm at least starting to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and whatever else the good feeling is.
So, I think thats about it for today. I can't think of anything else to say and I'm falling asleep at the same time, so maybe I should quit while I'm still ahead.

[Nick546]

Hi, RadleySnow. I enjoy reading your posts, and I hope that you feel better. I know that talking over the internet can seem kind of impersonal and that it can be more difficult to feel that others fully understand what you’re going through, but I think that there are a lot of people here who are very invested in helping others.

I would like to try to help out in some way, too, but I should mention that I don't know you very well and must therefore make some assumptions about you that could be wrong--so please let me know. Also, keep in mind that I’m just talking about something that helps me feel better--it's not something that can really be right or wrong--and that it might not work for you.

I like to think that a lot of our experience of the world is based on the subtle associations we make with everyday events in our lives. Because some of these associations are unconscious, it's easy to go a long time without realizing that they exist--and usually, by the time we do realize it, we think that they are natural, that it's impossible to experience things in any other way, but I don't think that's true. I attribute a lot of the improvement I've made with my own problems to my investigating the various kinds of meaning I ascribe to seemingly insignificant events. Sometimes, I'll find that certain things make me upset for no good reason--that, in fact, I've just been in the habit of getting upset in certain seemingly random situations. This kind of awareness alone can often make me feel better. If it doesn't, I continue to try to understand why I feel bad. To this end, I will, for example, ask myself questions like: What do I want to change? What can I do to make that change happen? What would make me feel better? What am I doing to prevent change? Do I even really want to feel better? I once thought that I knew the answers to all of these questions. I thought that they were all incredibly simple, in fact. It’s certainly possible to answer them quickly and with that call it a case closed. But there’s always more that you can discover about yourself. I don’t think that any questions—not just those about oneself--have final answers. There’s always more to be said.

More generally, thinking about the world in less absolute terms has helped me out a lot emotionally. If we're in the habit of thinking that there's always a right way and a wrong way to perceive some kind of objective reality, it's easy to avoid questions about how we view the world. We sort of assume that we perceive things “correctly” because we don’t even ask ourselves if we could be wrong (or, better put, not right--there's a subtle distinction); we think there is only one way things are and that that way is presented to us through this stable entity called experience.

I'm not trying to say that you should just suck it up. (Personally, I hate it when people tell me that.) On the contrary, I'm trying to suggest some concrete steps that you might be able to take to feel better in the long term. An example might help to give an idea of how you might be able to put some of these ideas into practice.

I'm not really sure how to describe today... Stable I guess? It wasn't bad but it wasn't my idea of a particularly good day either.[...]

I'm not one of those people who can do an instant change sort of thing like that.

So maybe we could just think about these quotes a bit. (All of the following questions are rhetorical, but you can answer them if you like, too.) In the first quote, you say that your day wasn’t bad but also that it wasn’t good. I’d just like to ask: how does saying that your day wasn’t good affect the way you think about it? When you say that something isn’t good, does it mean only that, or are you implying that it was also bad? (This reminds me of how we always say “I don’t like” to mean “I dislike.”) If you are making that implication, why? Because your day really was bad? But you already said that it wasn’t. Maybe, it’s not that it was a bad day but just that things could have been better? But it’s always possible to imagine a world in which things are better. Or maybe, it’s just that you had a specific thing in mind that could be changed to make things permanently better for you—a change that you’d be satisfied with? In that case, what is that thing, and how are you going to change it? The second quote seems relevant here. You say that you’re not one of those people who can change instantly. What do you mean by “instant change”? This might seem like a trivial issue, but I think that it is important to realize that no one changes instantly. Change is always a process, and if you really want to bring it about, you have to be willing to commit yourself to the process. But maybe you knew all of this already, in which case I’d like to borrow your example about sleeping in to ask: how long do you think it would take you to change your sleeping habits? (Maybe you already have, but these questions can still serve as an example.) What is a reasonable amount of time for that kind of change to take place? How should you go about determining how much time is necessary for different kinds of change? And how long have you been trying to change your habit already? I’m also confused when you say “one of those people.” Is there a certain type of person that can change quickly simply in virtue of some innate character trait that they possess? Does it even make sense to talk about types of people, as though personal identity is static? If there’s nothing wrong with the concept of types of people, do you think that you could ever change yourself to become the type of person capable of changing quickly? If you’re not the type of person who can change to become the type of person who can change quickly, do you think that you’re the type of person who can change to become the type of person who can change to become the type of person who can change quickly? Etc. One hopes that the process would end at some point.

These kinds of questions are just a starting point, and there’re always more questions to pose and new ways of answering old ones. I’m not going to try to answer them because I think that your own responses would be much more meaningful and accurate. Again, sorry if I made too many assumptions about you.

[RadleySnow]

Hello Nick546,
Don't worry about making assumptions. It's like you said, you don't know me and I don't know you, so assumptions are really the only starting point in this kind of situation. Anyway (I ramble), I do realize that a lot of things that I say can be confusing or taken in a number of ways. I guess vague is a good word for what I write? It is all kind of a "You had to be there" sort of thing if you know what I mean. Like, when I read it, it all makes perfect sense and I know exactly what I meant by whatever I said, but to anyone else reading it is probably a little odd. Your example of when I was saying my day wasn't bad but it wasn't good either, I think you were mostly right in saying that I meant it could have been better. It was also that the day went well for the most part but it had a few rough patches. I suppose it's all in how I word things.

I am also definitely trying to be more able to adapt to change quickly. As far as my sleeping habits, I've been doing a small change at a time, setting my alarm back about 15 minutes or so each day. Also walking my dog and taking care of my tortoise have given me motivation to get up. Not that I didn't take care of them before, just that now I get up and get things done a little earlier. I've also had to fully commit myself to my "healthy" diet as I call it, due to food allergies. For a while I wasn't being as strict as I should have been about it and felt terrible, so I've had to change again in that aspect of my life. It's pretty hard to turn down a handful of chovolate chip cookies and a glass full of milk (I'm lactose and gluten intolerant) for some kind of fruit instead. With that, I think my biggest obstacle in changing is the fact that no one else in my family or any of my friends eat the way I have to. They can pile on the sweets and junk food (well, what is junk food to me anyway) and I have to sit there with my glass of coconut milk or plate of fruit and veggies.

All in all (before I keep rambling off into unrelated things), I feel like things are taking a turn for the better for now and I hope it stays that way. Of course I'm going to have to keep it that way myself.