Rambling

[WeepingWillow]

I'm 41 and pretty sure I've been depressed my entire life. I don't remember much of my childhood. My siblings tell me it was horrifically sad and abusive so I count myself lucky. I've never been married. Engaged for the first time at 40 but the relationship was doomed. I believe he is on the asperger spectrum. He was a LOT of work but I thought he was worth it despite the debilitating emotional strain I was under. Anyway he's in and out of my life now. Loves me immensely Monday hasn't any idea who I am on Tuesday and on and on.
I know I have social anxiety disorder. I'd rather die than walk into a room full of strangers by myself. People would never understand what an emotional toll it takes on me just to get through the grocery store.
I'm a mother and I don't know if I'm a very good one. She seems normal and happy and developing properly. But you never know.
I think I'm a better friend to everyone than they are to me.
My entire life I've felt insignificant and genuinely unloved and unwanted.
I avoid rejection at all costs. Except my ex fiance was an expert on exploiting each one of my demons.
Without a hint of conceit I can tell you I am regarded as beautiful. I am aware of how society sees me. I don't see the same woman.
I see an average woman that dresses in black most of the time in an attempt to blend in. To disappear. I don't like people staring at me. It's always made me uncomfortable.
I feel my life is pointless
I feel trapped
I feel unloved
I feel alone
I feel overwhelmingly sad
I feel tired
I wish on a regular basis to go to sleep and never wake up.
I'm still here.

[dd-va]

Hi weeping willow and welcome to the forums! It sounds as if you have a lot going on and a lot to deal with at the moment, I hope you will find support here at this site. We are here for you! Take care!