been hurting along time

[shegra4202]

My life has always been bad. When I was around the age of 12 I started hanging out with my cousin and his friends. I got into drinking, smoking, and weed. My cousin and his friends were mean to me. Pushing me around, making me do things I didnt want to do (even sexual things). My cousin even tried to force me into letting many guys have sex with me one after another but it didnt happen cause I was on my period. I never told any1 about what he has made me do. After a couple years he stop doing that stuff to me. When I was 15 I lost my mom to a heart attack. It was really hard on me cause my mom and I was starting to get really close. I always hide the fact that I was smoking weed and cigs. 1 day I was so pissed and she came to me and tried talking to me. It was hard to lie to her. I told her I bought some weed and I couldnt get it. She didnt get mad or anything. She just understood me and talk to me. She told me she was there for me and would help me thru anything. We became really close and like best friends. This was only couple weeks before she died. After she died my brother and I lived with our grandmother. My father wasnt around. My mom left him when we was young because he was abusaive. We only seen him a few times. My younger brother saw him more. Before my mom died I heard my father rape my step sister and even tried doing things with me but I dont remember. A couple months after my mom died I ran away with a guy a couple hours away from my family. We lived with his mom and she treated me like crap. Always bring me down and saying I cant do anything. Always watching me when I do anything and then would always say I do it wrong and Im stupid. My bf didnt care and told me to just deal with it. He only cared bout himself. I never left him cause I was to scared to. He only cared bout sex and would get mad if he didnt get it everyday. 10 years past by and I was still with him and then my grandmother died and then my uncle. July 2011 I left my bf and went back home. Everyday since my mom died I have cried. I hate me and my life. When I came back home I stayed with my older brother. His stepmom (which hes dating...) treated just as bad as my ex's mom. She doesnt want me staying there without paying 100. every week. Which I cant afford. My brother says just stay there and say Im paying him but I cant deal with his stepmom. I cant stay at my aunts cause she alrdy has 8 people living with her but atm Im staying here and my brothers. A couple weeks ago I went into a mental hospital cause I called a suicide hotline. For many years I have wanted to kill myself and to this day I still do. They kept me for a week and put me on 3 dif antidepressants. I have a psych eval in 2 days. I just want my life to be over but I dont want to fight to breath. I know how much that sucks. Im also worried that if I kill myself and theirs an after life that I wont ever see my mom again. I dont know what to do.

[dd-va]

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I hope that you will be able to find the strength that is there, deep inside you to keep fighting these feelings everyday and make a better life for yourself. This is a great place to find support, feel free to vent here as often as is needed. Take Care & Keep Posting!

[shegra4202]

I feel alone and that no1 cares. No1 understands me. My younger brothers wife told me its my fault I'm like this and that I do it to myself. She told me to just get a normal job and get my own place. I know its my fault. I let the things happen to me. I'm weak. I can't tell people what my cousin did to me. I told them of this guy a met a couple months ago and how he kept touching me and trying to have sex with me. I kept moving away but never said anything or fought. I gave in and let him have his way. It hurt but still I said nothing and did nothing. They said it was my fault. I know this. I'm not supposed to feel like I should. I'm supposed to just be happy. They say just leave things in the past. Am I not supposed to be like this? I'm I not supposed to hurt so much like I do? I'm I not supposed to need and want my mom? I miss her so much. But I'm not supposed to let iit get to me. Everyday I just want the pain to stop. I get comfort from thinking of ways to hurt myself and take my life. I go on everday being what others want me to be even tho they know how much I'm hurting and how I feel but they don't care.

[dd-va]

*hugs to you* You are not alone, you have this sight, it is all that many of us here have, so, we have each other. Nothing is your fault, you did not ask for any of these things to happen to you, but they did happen, now you must learn to deal with them, and move on through your life. Are you in any therapy or seeing a doctor for your depression?

[shegra4202]

I am on 3 dif anitdepression meds atm. Was put on them when I went to the mental hospital. I have a physc eval tomorrow. So far they said I have ptsd, depression, and insomnia. They said I will need therapy, counseling, and maybe long term phycitrist.

[dd-va]

I am glad you are in treatment, I hope that it will help make these feelings more manageable. Please keep us posted on how you are doing, take care!