my story (trigger)

[Obayan]

My dear friend ((((((( tracking )))))))) i do so love to hear your words of wisdome and much needed common sense which i tend to forget at times. I've made a few decisions....

1. in regards to my family. Who the hell cares if they know where i am and how to reach me? I've lived a pretty decent life these past 30 years without them, survivied the 2 years on my own before that, and made it thru the 5 years before that on the streets and even managed to muddle thru the 13 years before that living with them. I will live the rest of my days just fine with or without them in my life as well. There is nothing that could possibly happen that would be worse than what i've already lived thru. So let them do their worst. I am strong. I will survive. And I will come out the other side a better person.

2. in regards to finances. Help at home first. Then if able, help others if needed. And that only comes after rebuilding my own savings account again so I have a safety net to fall on in my own hard times.

3. in regards to docs. I give up. I will always be going thru this phase of on and off again with the meds and the tests and the docs and all the rest. I will never get comfortable with being so sick all the time. But, i have increased my own budget allowance to include a healthier diet and proper exercise in a gym. So that will help a lot.

4. in regards to husband. I know he's been gone for 3 years now but it doesn't matter. He is and always will be the love of my life. I don't need a man's shoulders to support me. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with, but that's about all I need or want. And when it is my time to go, i know he'll be there waiting on me. No need to rush that along either. Or sit here alone in my house wishing it was now.

I don't have to suffer to live. I don't have to be in pain to feel something. I don't have any reason to pusnish myself by depriving myself of the basic human needs of survival. So, beings next month is my birthday, i'm treating myself to a day out of pampering. Nice dinner, new hair do, manicure, pedicure, maybe even a few new craft supplies.

This is my life. I set the rules. I define the boundaries. So it's about damn time I did just that.

[Obayan]

I wish there was some way to be more independant. Docs took away my liscense so I can't drive anymore and in response to that, i gave my car to my daughter beings she's the one who's going to be transporting me around. Problem is, i'm at her disposal. Doesn't matter if i've been out of food and hungry for 4 days. I get groceries when she decides to take me. doesn't matter i have to mail off my house payment by the 2nd or get charged a huge late fee. I get to the post office when she decides to take me. Don't even want to start with the doctor appointments. She's so unreliable and i'm at her mercy. It's frustrating. It's aggrevating. And i just want to scream! Spent all last night crying and counting all the sharp edges that can be found in my house. I'm a strong person! Why is my first thought always suicide? It helps to count. when i count, it helps to keep the thought from becoming an action. But how can i be so strong one day and so damn weak the next? I don't get it.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

The last two questions in your post are very insightful ones, (((( Obayan )))). Although, I'm truly sorry that you're feeling so low as to have questions like this on your mind.
I don't know if I'm a particularly strong person, but, then again, I have no reason to believe that I'm a particularly weak person either. So, I've often wondered why it is that I can suddenly find myself experiencing such pronounced suicidal ideation when I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and depressed. And, I have often wondered how I can go from days where I'm feeling fairly resilient to days when I do feel quite overwhelmed and depressed.
As to why this is, I have theories, but I'm still working on these questions myself. Perhaps, the thing to do is to take a twin-track approach, consider the " why " of feeling the way that I sometimes do, while at the same time planning the " how " of getting myself through moments when I'm not sure that I can get through those moments. Things like distracting myself or taking a few minutes to get out of the situation and count to ten/take a deep breath.
( I suppose I could distract myself by counting all the surfaces in my flat that need dusting? But, do I have the necessary four weeks it would take to count that high? ! )
I'm sorry this post isn't more practical, (((( Obayan )))). I just thought I'd weigh in with a bit of moral support. I hope that at least knowing that you're not alone in these feelings will help at least a little.

[Obayan]

I suppose I could distract myself by counting all the surfaces in my flat that need dusting?

24, 958, 112

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I started counting the undusted surfaces in my flat last night...I got up to a googolplex...and then the doorbell rang, so I stopped counting!
Besides, if you dust regularly you lose the fun and excitement of rediscovering items of furniture that you had forgotten all about.
( That's my story, and I'm sticking to it...! )

[Obayan]

Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Every breath a battle. Every smile a milestone. Every day a war. Every thought a memory. It isn't supposed to be this hard. I see people around me every day smiling and laughing and going about their lives. And I know that behind each of those smiles is a hurt they are hiding. Their own little piece of the pain they carry with them everywhere they go. I know that. Why should I be any different? You want to know what it is I hold onto? Five minutes. Every day, when I wake up, for five minutes i forget. I forget my husband is dead. I forget there's no food in the kitchen. I forget I'm waging a war with my life. For five minutes, all is as it should be. And then I remember. Last night, i dreamed about singing. When i was younger and used to sing. And this morning, when i woke up, i had a song stuck in my mind. And for five minutes, in that place between being fully awake and fully asleep... i sang a song in my mind. And everything was good. And now, i'm awake. Tomarrow, i'll have my five minutes again.

[Obayan]

I can't believe this day even happened.....

Tomarrow, I turn 50. Was supposed to eat dinner out tomarrow with my daughter and her family (me paying for it). Then my niece threw a birthday party for her son at a pizza place. We decide to make that our dinner out instead. Then, my daughter and her family eat before we go (they ate lunch out with friends). I ended up spending my birthday celebration telling someone else happy birthday and eating a ham sandwich while my daughter watches. Then I end up spending $15 buying tokens for my grandson to play games with because his parents didn't bring any cash. Then, to top it all off and make the whole day just perfect.... "i thought we were still going to do our dinner out tomarrow (from my son in law)...."

I wish this day was over. I hope tomarrow never comes.

I wonder if I buy myself a birthday card and say happy birthday to myself if it counts as someone actually giving a shit. I wonder if any of them would even notice if tomarrow didn't come.

[Obayan]

I think my daughter felt bad over how things went today. She baked me a cake. She is a very long ways away from being able to cook which is probably why it took her 5 hours to make a one layer chocolate cake that was edible. But she did it. And she did it from scratch. No box or mix. Even made the frosting herself.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Happy Birthday Obayan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/i]

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Happy Birthday for tomorrow (((( Obayan ))))!!!!
Tomorrow may I wish you a " birthday present " of a day when I hope that you manage to feel that " all is as it should be " for more than five minutes. Please take care of yourself!

[Obayan]

Not a good day today. I been sick lately and so very tired all the time. I went to sleep last night and woke up at 1 this morning screaming help help help over and over again. My dreams are like memories. I relive my childhood in my sleep. I have bad dreams a lot. I haven't had one this bad in a long time though. It's now 6am and I'm still sitting here with every light in the house on. In my dream, evil was chasing me and trying to kill me. Evil came in the form of the people around me and what they would do to me. I kept running and trying to escape, but no matter what i did or where i went there was another person there. They say that once you live thru something horrible, once you survive and have moved away, they can't hurt you anymore. That's not true. They hurt me over and over again in my sleep. And my health is mostly due to the things done to me when i was little and still developing. It never ends. I'm never going to have peace. I will be fighting for the rest of my life. I think that is more sad than anything else. When I was born, i was 3 months premature. At 6 months old, i could still fit in a shoe box. At 6 months old, my mother returned to her husband who refused to raise another man's child. I was left in a box in my mother's apartment. The parents that adopted me found me. Right now, I wish they hadn't. Today, I'm going to isolate. Lock the door, turn off the phone, etc. I don't have a choice about the grandbabies being here, but other than that, it'll be just me. I have to. I have to have the time to remember the good things that are out there. I have to feel better about me. If I socialise today, I'll just be reliving it all over again all day long. Stuck in this moment. I don't want to be stuck.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I know that I haven't been through everything or, I believe, even a fraction of what you have.
But, I am so sorry to hear that your feelings are so painful and frightening. I can understand how you feel about being stuck, and being scared in the early hours of the morning. Please remember and believe that, for whatever it may be worth, you are not alone in those feelings.
I thought I was just coming down with a cough or a cold, and my employers are not keen about sick leave so I struggled in last week, hoping it would run it's course, and I wouldn't have to deal with the department's almost-incomprehensibly-self-contradictory-yet-always-somehow-genuinely-threatening sick-leave policy. But, I felt so bad on Monday that I had to call in sick. Consciously, I know that my manager IS overworked and IS stressed, ( He has tension headaches that he tries to cope with in the workplace without anyone noticing, poor guy. ), but I confess I wasn't exactly " feeling the love " from my employer during that conversation. Anyway, turns out I have a chest infection in my upper right lung. In fact I'm just on my way home from a precautionary chest x-ray at a local hospital. And, I'm on antibiotics so strong that they might well have a " street value "! So, I'm feeling ill and tired myself at the moment, which is amping up my depression and anxiety, and also my regrets over chances that intellectually I know that I never had. Does that make any sense?
I applied for a wide range of jobs over the years, never turned a job down, and yet here I am stuck in an employer whose main thought seems to be " payroll reduction ". And, at night. when I can't sleep and can't stop coughing, I find myself worrying about and dreading the obligatory " back-to-work interview ", where I have no idea what to say. Am I meant to apologise for being ill? Or, promise never to be ill again? What is a practical, rational approach to an irrational process?
I sit up in bed wondering if there will come a time when I might be ill one time too many, and I'll be " slid " out of the department and lose my job. Or, perhaps I just won't be able to keep fighting, to keep swimming against the tide. And, what other jobs are there for anyone at the moment. And, I wonder what I did wrong to be alone now. With no girlfriend or confidant I can turn to in those early morning moments, at those moments when my SI, is so persistent. When thoughts of suicide are, God forgive me, almost a comfort, offering at least " a way out of the woods ", if things turn out as bad as I fear. Although, at the same time I know intellectually that that's just " the depression talking ". And, logically, it's extremely unlikely that it's even possible for things to turn out as badly as I fear. ( I have quite a vivid imagination, particularly when I'm scared in the early hours of the morning. )

Sorry to go on. I so don't do brevity!
But, I can say that I do know how " scared at 1:00 in the morning feels. " You are genuinely not alone in those feelings.
So let's you and I both hang-on, huh, ( Obayan )? What do you say? Please hang on, there ARE good people in these world, they are everywhere to be found, eventually. As a friend of mine at work, Michelle, says: " There are angels in this world ". This faith, this personal experience, helps and comforts me. As I hope it will you.
As for me, I'll rest, rally some Celtic stubborness, give the antibiotics and cough medicine a chance to work. And, God willing, hold fast to the real possibility that there are friends I haven't met yet, a job where I could truly belong, feel comfortable as myself, and make a contribution. You never know, I might even find " true love " yet...?
Please do keep taking care of yourself, (((( Obayan )))). When I'm lying awake coughing/worrying/regretting I'll send good thoughts your way! God willing, let's both, and everyone else on this site, find our way to better days!
( As far as " the girl of my dreams " is concerned...Does anyone know where in South Wales I might meet truly desperate and vastly patient women who like Science Fiction and US TV?! )

[Obayan]

Ok, repeat after me.....

the sailer went to sea sea sea
to see what he could see see see
and all that he could see see see
was the bottom of the sea sea sea

.......

there is a field
there is a field with a lake
there is a field with a lake and a log
there is a field with a lake and a log and a frog
there is a field with a lake and a log and a frog with a wart on his butt
go ahead and have a seat in the field with a lake and a frog with a wart on his butt on the log....

.....

ok, i admit it.

Hello, my name is obayan and i've gone insane.

BUT I STILL HAVE COOKIES!

[Obayan]

My dear friend ((( tracking ))) I am so sorry you are so ill right now. When you speak to your employer remind them of the money, time and labor they would have lost by you coming in and spreading around the infection to all your coworkers.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks for the kind words (((( Obayan )))), they are VERY much appreciated just now!
As you say I am going to reason with my employers as calmly and patiently as I can... ... It's an odd situation, though, as if there doesn't seem to be a right answer. If you struggle into work when you're not well, as I did the week before last, you're told you shouldn't come in if you're ill. If you take sick leave, as I have the week just gone, you're made to feel as if you shouldn't have done that. Everytime they've changed the sick-leave policy it's got tighter, seeming to leave people with less and less room to manoeuvre when they are actually sick. And as someone who struggled into work when I was sick, and then had to take sick-leave anyway, I'm now rather feeling as if I've now committed both these " offences "...
Ironically, I feel that if the department was a little more flexible about sick-leave, then I might have taken a few days sick-leave earlier in my illness, and possibly been less ill for less time than the way things have actually turned out...Something I will probably have to phrase as clearly and...diplomatically as I can. Sometimes, I do rather feel like Sherlock Holmes trapped in Alice In Wonderland. ( Although, I'm not as intelligent as Holmes, obviously! ) Can you imagine Holmes trying to used his techniques of deductive reasoning and scientific enquiry on The Mad Hatter's Tea Party, The Queen of Hearts or Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee? There doesn't seem to be a way to make sense of things, to chart a safe course...
For example, I very much feel as if those at the top of " the greasy pole ", almost don't believe that anyone is ever actually, genuinely, ill. If you give them medical evidence that you were ill, they won't dispute the evidence, but at the same time I'm still left feeling as if they don't accept it either...
And, this not really knowing what to do for the best does amp-up my depression, anxiety and feelings of low self-worth.
Sorry to ramble on ( Obayan )! It helps to have someone to talk to. ( There are times when if I didn't know that I was Welsh, and therefore basically perfect, I don't know how I'd cope... ) I hope that you're keeping well too, please do take care of yourself. And as you very wisely say I may have gone a bit twp, ( As we say in these parts... ), but I've still got biscuits!
( Biscuits being UK for cookies! I used to watch Sesame Street as a child, and the Cookie-Monster had a profound and lasting effect on me! )
(((( Obayan )))) (((( All ))))!