I do talk about abuse and SI experiences, just to warn you.
I have dealt with anxiety, depression, SI of some form and low self esteem for as long as I can remember.
I have always known I was intelligent and intellectual, but in school I either did great or awful because of my depression. I also started having abusive "friendships" since the first grade. I did manage to have some true friends in the mix, but the abusive relationships of course came out on top. Just before middle school I moved to a town where I was horribly bullied (and even with evidence, no one was punished). I was almost held back a grade because my grades dropped so badly. In HS I got by with only a class or two a year that would suffer, but overall I missed a lot of school because of my depression. I started cutting when I was 15 but had always self injured (hitting myself, trying to break bones etc) since I was very small. I was also raped for the first time when I was 17. My parents got divorced that same year (difficult but better for them in the long run).
In college I did okay but was still socially awkward. I didn't drink a lot but I started smoking pot which I of course thought was helping but only made my anxiety skyrocket and added paranoia. I didn't hang around the right people and ended up dating someone for years that was not good to me. My depression got worse and I didn't feel like I fit anywhere. I started cutting again and after being raped for the second time by a "close friend" I "went off the deep end". I cut so much that a school counselor agreed I could withdraw for the semester and got me in to see a psychologist (who was the best one I ever saw). I was on meds and going to counseling, but I was still smoking, drinking a lot (alone) and isolating myself through a video game. I went back to school the following semester. Everyone was relieved to see me back, but looked at me like I came back from the grave.
In '08 I decided to leave my ex (who I'd been with for almost 5 years) and take care of myself. That was a high point. I was actually doing something for myself. It felt good. I took a good 8 months to really spend time on myself for once and get better. I met my now husband and we began dating. Things were great. I left my crap job to freelance and we got engaged pregnant and married all within a year. My depression came and went but I could usually handle it well enough save for a week or two here or there. Or maybe I'm just good at pretending.
This past fall, I started to realize I was sexually abused as a child. I dont' remember much and it's really difficult for me to think about or admit. I've never told a soul about it. Now I'm having a harder time with my depression. I'm stressed about money I should be making but can't seem to have time for with my mom duties and I am thinking I should go back to therapy but I'm nervous. My highs and lows are just insane. When I have a good day, I'm on top of things, motivated organized creative and get things done. But then I always wonder how long it will last and then within days or weeks I start feeling so low I don't want to do anything. Yesterday while DD was napping, I just sat on the couch with DH and felt like the world was on top of me. I hated letting him see me like that, but I guess it's good he knows what's going on. He is endlessly supportive and wants me to get whatever help I need, I'm just awful about doing it. I've had times where I've thought of cutting again but I've managed to resist it. I'd be pissed if I killed my four year record now.
ETA: In '06 when i was in counseling, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and bipolar tendencies. I am really starting to wonder if I'm bipolar as I mentioned in my intro post. I'm terrified of going to a counselor again and if I get that diagnosis, begin put on meds that could complicate our future children (we want at least one or two more).
Sorry this is so long winded, but it helps to get it out. Thanks for reading.
