lost hope

[jjrainey]

I never knew what i was feeling was depression. I'm still not sure. All I know is I have made such a mess of my life that I'm not sure if I can continue. I can fake being normal just enough to get by, so most people have no idea how I feel inside. i feel like my inside is a black rotting hole, but on the outside I appear normal. Those closest to me know I get really down, but with a daughter who is bipolar that is acceptable. I have always had this ability to put all my "bad stuff" aside and pretend it is not there. I imagine it like these neat little boxes inside of me. When bad things happen, I put it inside a box and close it. This is the only way I can function. The problem is I an overwhelmed. I have allowed things to pile up; things I should have done but just didn't have the energy or ability to take care of it. I am in financial ruin because of this. My husband has no idea and i cannot bear the thought of how he will feel about me when he finds out. I have ruined everything good in my life. I am so behind in paying bills and taxes that there is no hope.

[Obayan]

Hi. You really need to talk to a few people. First, a counselor. Second, human services in your area. That way you can get some immediate help with the depression and find out what options you have available to help with the finances. Putting things in small boxes is ok for short term. But when you bury things, they have a way of exploding when you least want them to unless they are dealt with. I know it's hard. I know it's painfull. We are here if you need us.

There is also a DU chat room here if you want to try it out as well.

[jjrainey]

Thanks for responding. I tried the chat room and it was too overwhelming. I think it's too late to talk to anyone. Maybe if I had tried it years ago it would have helped. I take an antidepressant and that used to be enough to help me but not now.

[balcony]

jjrainey, welcome. (((jjrainey))) It is never to late to talk to someone, please remember that. Life is a constantly changing thing and it never stops moving. I know you feel too overwhelmed to see a way to stop and examine your choices and options. But, in taking the steps that Obayan outlined, you can stop the flow and make some needed decisions. This is a great place to share your frustrations and concerns and we are happy to help if we can. You are not alone, good luck.

[jjrainey]

Just hearing "you are not alone" makes me feel a little better. I have carried the weight of the world for so long and I have been all alone while doing so. How have I been able to fool people? No one suspects how I feel. Does this mean I'm not really depressed? I didn't think you could hide depression. I can't believe people can't see it. It seems so real, so physical, to me.

[balcony]

(((((((((jjrainey)))))))))))) I would say that only a doctor can accurately diagnose whether you suffer clinical depression. Having said that, you can suffer a lot in-between too. Life and hiding problems is extremely debilitating even for those you are not technically depressed. Remember also, people may not notice things because most people aren't paying attention. In general, people are absorbed with their problems and often miss the pain and suffering in others. That is no fault of theirs, just how it goes. I hope you will be able to talk more openly about how you feel and find some peace with your pain. Much luck and hugs.