There is little in life that I enjoy

[Martin]

TL;DR: 19yo priveledged college kid hates life so far

Just now, I woke up in the middle of the night. I feel sick and there's a knot in my throat and I can hear loud talking and laughing from the kitchen. My roommates seem to be having a good time with university and I am not. It made me so sad I was lying on my bed in tears, I don't think I've felt more miserable than I've ever been in my life. It took me twenty minutes of laying there convincing myself that I'd feel better getting some food, so here I am eating a bowl of KD and hoping that typing this up would make me feel better.

I've been a recluse and an outsider for longer than I can remember. I could never truly penetrate a social group or make a close friendship. I've always been told that the next stage in life (high school, university, etc) would be much better and I believed I could be happy when I got there but it feels like its the same.

I was never abused or neglected. My family was the best I could ever hope for, but perhaps it was even too good as I did not leave the house often. I hated school and the time I spent at home seemed to fly by. I was very much a homebody.

I am the oldest in my family and the first to go to university. I hate that. My friends and family want to know about "the best times of my life" and I've got nothing. I am not proud of my two years I've spent here. I haven't had great times, I have not made friends, I have not had a memorable experience.

My roommates are quite different. I've fallen behind a year and they haven't. In fact they've found jobs as part of work experience. They've both got girlfriends and social lives. They've had memories and adventures back in high school and I don't. They're very well-adjusted people and are probably going to become good students and then working adults. All I've got is my crippling depression returning to slow me down.

I think it all comes down to me not knowing what I want in life. There's very little I truly enjoy. I find it hard to socialize with people and even harder to enjoy it. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of sex and intimacy and I have never had a girlfriend. I don't like drugs or alcohol. The only hobby right now that encaptivates me is video games, so I'll spend all weekend hiding in my room playing them.

I know that I am a young person who still has a lot of life left, but I just don't know. I don't feel like I've lived at all. I have a sad and empty existence.

[dd-va]

Hi Martin. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I noticed that you did not mention any treatment you had tried for your depression. Have you considred going to a doctor or therapist for help with coping with your feelings? Are there any support groups you could attend at your university? Just some options you might want to look into.

[Martin]

So far I'm seeing a counsellor and the only support groups that fit with my schedule will start next month. I'm taking cylexa atm and just trying to plough through my schoolwork.

[dd-va]

Good, glad to hear that you are seeking help and treatment. I am on celexa as well. It has helped me be able to manage my depression. Keep on working with the school work. Get support wherever you can....we have a chat room here on this site that is very helpful to many of us. There are many college students that come there that have expressed some of the same problems you have. Might be beneficial to talk with others going through the same type problems. We are here to listen and support you whenever you need to vent. Sometimes it just helps telling others that are not close to you what you are feeling, and what you are going through.

[balcony]

Hi Martin, I understand a bit how you are feeling. I have a 19 year old, a firstborn too, who is away at college. The expectations she felt were huge. The endless stories of great times ahead haunted her mind in the beginning and did not match with her reality. She was so lonely and missing her home and quiet life. I am glad you are open to treatment and counseling, I think that is very wise. Remember, the big social scene that everybody does in college is not all it is cracked up to be. Many people pretend to be "happy" in the crowds of college social life when in fact, they would rather be home with a good book or a close friend. I would continue to search for small groups on campus,perhaps groups that do volunteer or charity work. Sometimes these types of groups make it easier to form bonds with like- minded persons and do something that makes you feel good too. ((Martin)) Best of luck to you.