I can't remember the last time I was truely happy. (Trigger)

[confusedandalone]

Hi, I'm 18, a freshman college student. I've been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Anxiety for 3 years now. I have attempted suicide in various different ways. I have been hospitalized once. I do not wish to shame my family anymore with my pathetic issues, and therefore just want to disappear.

Although I have a strong religious upbringing, I've always had a nagging self doubt and low self esteem. I've never felt worthy of my life. Yes I am thankful everyday for the love that God's bestowed upon me, but I don't deserve it. I simply wish that I could fade away. No one would notice, if anything it would be a relief to my family.

I was quite literally born this way. Nothing about me is right. I've had every issue you can imagine. I've done drugs, self-harmed, had eating disorders, had no friends, lied, created a completely different self image of myself, and lost myself in the process.

I just don't care anymore. There is no escape.

[hollyann]

Hi there. Im sorry youve been dealing with so much. Its a lot to deal with and having college onto that it has to be hard. Its not a shame to need help. If you are struggling its not pathetic. It just means you need help.

Have you tried to work on your self esteem? I know you said you are religious, have you tried therapy by talking to a pastor, or even therapy outside of a church? Some Pastors would tell you that none of us deserve it, but we are given it anyways. Im not sure what you believe.

I dont think it would be a relief to your family. That is the depression talking. The ones left behind are often left to wonder, could I have done something different. I should have tried harder, should have seen the signs etc. It could actually lead them to have feelings similar to what you are having now.

There is always room for improvment. I know right now things look bleak but it will and can get better. You must care or you wouldn't worry about the impact of your family or be reaching out for help.

wishing you the best.
holly