life without joy - pointless?

[sk]

hi everyone

I don't know why i have registered with this website. Do i want an advice or do i just want to be listen to? Not sure. Perhaps, i just need your opinion to see whether i should be feeling the way i feel. I'll start at the beginning.

I come from broken family without any siblings. My parents divorced when i was 11 yrs old, but they lived together for two years after that. The day me and my mum left was very traumatizing. I remember lot of yelling, slapping and finally my mum reaching for my hand and running. We were running from my screaming, angry and i think drunk farther that was running after us. We run to the nearest police station and then i can't remember anything. Nothing, blank. I never talked about it, or rather i had noone to talk about it. I have no sister or brother, and friends at the age of 13 had different problems and would not understand how i was feeling. Honestly, i don't know myself how i was feeling. I guess, shocked.
Me and my mother stayed with my grandmother. I remember my mum started bringing home some man that she spent a lot of her free time with. My relationship with that man was and still is very formal. No more that good morning, good night and how are you. My mum was not happy with my attitude, she wanted perfect, happy family. But i could not do it, i could not bring myself to have a proper conversation with him. I just could not, i tried for so long. My mum used come to my room every night crying and saying that i did not want her to be happy. But that was not true! So i knew that i had to leave to make her happy. Me living with her and not behaving they way she wanted me to behave was not making her happy. I wanted to make her happy, but could not do what she was asking me to do. So, see, i had to leave. But there was one obstacle. i was not 18 yrs old yet. I researched on where to go, what to do, how much it is going to cost me. I had some money saved from my summer jobs inbetween my school terms. So i purchased a ticket to come to the UK and work as an au-pair without telling anything to my mum. i told my mum about my leave the night before. Lot of tears were cried, but i knew i had to do this to make her happy. Leaving my family behind made me independet in very short space of time. I knew that now i was making all decisions on my own. Since then i have lived by two rules: don't do anything that you don't want others to do to you AND always work hard towards everything you want to achieve. I really believed that living by these rules was the perfect recipe for happy life.
I met a man in the UK, whom i married to 3 years later. However, instead of happy marriage life i imagined and promised by this man, i was physically and mentally forced to work 6 if not 7 days a week, sometimes having two jobs at the same time whether in pain or not while he was not. He had rather numerous excuses up his sleeve and was always promising me good life together. I listened to each order he gave me because i knew that you had to work on your life together to make it enjoyable. Problem was i was the only one working towards it. I had the strength to end up this relationship when my father was in hospital. I knew he was in bad state having diabetese and that i had to fly back home. Ideally i wanted to go with my husband as i thought we should be doing everything together. He instead refused and spent all the money. I had to borrow some money to go home and see my father. i arrived back home, saw my father the same day, the following day he past away. i was 26 years old. MY EXHUSBAND COULD DISRESPECT ME AS MUCH HE WANTED BUT I WAS NOT GOING TO LET HIM DISRESPECT MY FAMILY. I could have missed my dad alive because of him! After funeral i came back to UK, i filled for divorce. 3 years after divorce my exhusband was stalking which lead to him being warned by police. After i left my exhusband, i found a new man. very polite and respectful. during our time together, i managed to complete university and chartered accountancy exams, find a job in a bank. Then i fell pregnant, i was delighted. BUT, my partner asked me to get rid of the baby. it was the hardest thing i had to to, but, again, i thought he was going to make it up to me by planning a life and family together in the future. Then after 5 years together, he has left to dubai for good to work with his father. He will never come back to stay with me. He is in touch with me and asked me to live a separate life together based on messanger and skype and occasional visits. So now i have a job which is ok but doesn't justify all that hard work i put into my studies. I much rather work in accountancy, but my job applications are never successful. And i have partner that will never be able to marry or live with me. Therefore, my question is: all my life i worked hard towards happiness - good job and happy relationship, i always treated people they way i wanted them to treat me, but outcome of all this is ...? I have nothing, through my life experience i lost all my beliefs and hopes for better life. All my life i feel like that every single day is a fight which you cannot win, a fight without any break to gasp for breath, a fight that leaves you with nothing but pain. Therefore, i do not want to live this life anymore. I tried to change it but it just lead to another heartbreak. My heart so scarred so extensively by my own family, my exhusband, my partner and even by my carrier. I am really tired and i just want to close my eyes and never open them again, i want to sleep forever and never feel the pain again....

....or am i just a big baby that cries if something small goes wrong. should i feel this way i feel knowing there is much greater misery out there and my pain is nothing compare to theirs? but i worked so hard towards happiness! but then they did too! i don't know what i should feel anymore, i am just so confused...

[Eric0620]

Hi SK,

No you are not being a baby at all. I can certainly relate to the feelings of being depressed and wanting to die --- I have had those feelings before and understand exactly what those are like. The sources of my pain are different from yours and everyones here, and what matters is that we need help and need to be able to talk about what is oppressing us.

You've had extremely horrendous things happen to you from what you shared with us, and it's no wonder you're feeling so upset. I wish there was a magic wand that could just make the emotional pain go away, but since we're not so lucky to, sharing it with others like you did is just the beginning to you getting better. I'm glad you shared your pain, and hope you will continue to do so when you feel low, no matter how often you need to. Sending hugs to you.

Sincerely,
Eric

[jj]

hey sk

here is a quote i think is relevant for you:

"we cannot judge the lives of others because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation" -paulo coelho

i really try to live my life by this quote. if, on top of feeling awful, we feel guilty too, well thats just double suffering. i dont think you should compare your feelings and what youve been through, to anyone else. because for you, that is the worst pain you know, and it hurts, regardless of what someone else might have been through.

the most important thing is to recognise that you are unhappy, and to do something about it. dont worry about comparing yourself to others and if you are a "cry baby". pain is pain and no-one should have to go without help. i think you are a very strong person to still be here telling your story.

stay strong hun

jj