In the 'Waiting Room'

[Amanda]

I've been suffering from depression ever since i was very young, it runs in the family, my mother also has it, which makes for an interesting dynamic between us at times. You'd think we'd b more supportive of each other but when two people have so much despair they can't see each other's pain. i suppose having depression makes me very self-absorbed, i can't think about anything but how shit i feel all the time. I've given up thinking anyone is going to help me, im supposed to help myself, so im trying. All i think about is dying. I feel like life is wasted on me cos i can't make much of it for myself. I'm miles away from where i want to be (figuratively speaking). I just finished college, but i cant get off my arse and find a job. I sleep during the day and im awake all nite wishing i could just shake this feeling off. I keep trying to find ways to distract myself so i dont have to listen to my inner dialogue, but there isn't much i can do. My friends are never available, i need people around me, but they're not available. They have their own lives i suppose, still i wish i felt like i had a friend in this world who would drop everything and listen to me. I just need someone to listen to me, im on my own wit this, i feel isolated, detached, on the periphery of life just waiting until the day i finally shuffle off this mortal coil.

[Eric0620]

Amanda,

I'm listening to you. Believe me, I get completely what you're saying, and want you to know that I care. I'm going through some pain, too, and am tired of being unhappy, but I'm finding this website to be so helpful and glad you came here. We all relate to each other because the pain of others here speaks to us in a way that only we can understand that non-depressed people cannot. I've been there, too, as far as wanting to die and, regrettably, having tried to make that happen in the past dozens of times. If I were a cat, believe me, I came with more than 9 lives. I don't know if you are religious or not (I'm a Christian Lutheran) and when I was younger and going through this, I would ask God "why... why... WHY... am I going through this?" In retrospect, I have come to realize that He brought me to the lowest-of-lows so that later in my life I could identify with others and offer my experiences to those also suffering this pain since I know exactly what it's like and what it is capable of doing to people. I believe He felt it was time for me to "have patience and bear my cross" again right now so that I can try to help and be helped. I know that you need relief now as soon as you can get it, and for what it's worth, please believe me that even though I tried so many times to end my life that it really is not the answer. I completely understand the feeling/urge to want to do it, but please try not to give in to that. If you haven't already seen it, please take a look at the post I put in this "Your Story" section a few days ago --- NOT to focus on me, but to see how we relate to each other in so many way.

Hang in there, Amanda, please. I'm with you.

Sincerely,
Eric

[Amanda]

Hi Eric,

Thanks for your reply, it actually means alot. I've only just found this site, but knowing that I can talk to other people out there like me is a comfort in itself. Sometimes that's all it takes to keep going is just having someone listen. I'm the kind of person who finds it hard to talk to people about how I'm feeling so getting it out there is a relief. I am very spiritual myself, i spend so much time asking God for help. I do feel God's presence in my life which is how I think i'm still here today. I've attempted to end my life consciously on one occasion (overdose of pills) and subconsciously on another (I drank an inordinate amount of alcohol), but I'm still here. I just hope it's because God has some purpose for me, although I don't know what that may be yet. You seem to be doing well from what you've said, how did you get to that point? How do you cope?

Amanda

[Anguisette]

It's when we feel alone that we feel our worst. You will never be alone so long as you have us to talk to.

[Eric0620]

Hi Amanda,

Yes, it definitely helps a lot being able to talk to people who understand you without having to spend time explaining what depression is nor having to worry about being rejected. For me, it's very therapeutic being able to come here and interact with people who are my own kind, and I mean that in a good way. I've never joined any forums before until this week, but I just had an instinctive feeling that this was the place for me to help supplement my therapy.

I'm sorry that you had a dark period to go through and are still struggling and glad you felt comfortable confiding it with me. Trusting and praying to God is always best and has been part of what helped me. Years back before anyone knew I had depression I kept it all bottled-up and that was the absolute worst thing I could have done. Doing that was no different than me being on a deserted island by myself. When everything unraveled at my lowest, that was the real turning point for me. You know they say that when you hit rock bottom, there is no where to go but up and that was exactly what happened. I was rescued from myself and my misery and I almost couldn't shut up when I started talking about it because the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Sorry for all the metaphors! So I guess how I started feeling better was leaning on God, talking about it with loved ones, certain close friends, and getting medication. I'm going through moderate depression right now; praying that it doesn't grow worse. Today was a real horrendous day for me, and I'm coping with it by being open about it with my wife, talking with only certain local friends, and with all of you here. I feel it's the best "recipe" for recapturing happiness again. I know I will do it, and I know you will, too. If you need more encouragement to help you get through it, I'll be here for you and so will everyone else.

Sincerely,
Eric