Broken

[rampage316]

I am a broken man. I walk through life with my head down, blended into the crowd. I've hated myself ever since 1994. It has gotten to the point that I have begun plotting and planing my suicide. Maybe I'm not really depressed. Maybe I'm such a loser and wallow in so much self-pity and regret that I've driven myself to depression. Why did I come here? Why did I register for this site? I've been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication that put me to sleep. I'm then told years later that I've got tendencies that fit with bi-polar disorder. It explains why I live 3 to 4 months out of the year and the rest of my year is spent feeling extremely bad about my life and the things that I have done. The things that I have done in my life in retrospect aren't all that bad, but to me it means everything.

I can't tell this to my friends because I don't have any. I am afraid to meet new people. The mere thought of going out and saying the smallest thing to someone sends me into a panic. When I am out and meet someone new its impossible for me to be friendly. No matter what I want to say, the most a**holeish or creepiest thing that could possibly be said comes out. It's because of this that I've driven the people closest to me so far away that I haven't seen them for the better part of 3-5 years.

Since the medicine didn't work, I had to deal with it on my own. I thought I had everything under control. Everyone knows that you never have it under control. The insomnia started in 2006. Sometimes I need help falling asleep but when that isn't an option, then I don't sleep. I have recently become addicted to metal music. I believe this is so because when I go more than a few hours without listening to it I feel a lot worse. When I do listen to it, its like I'm chasing the high that it gets me. It makes me feel better but only for a short time.

I don't know if anyone will read this all the way through. I much less know what anyone will think of this. I didn't mean to sound like a complete a**hole but I wanted to say my story as truthfully as possible. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hello rampage316,

Welcome to the forums. There are people here that do read, and go through a lot of the same, as you. Please continue posting for it does help to get the thoughts out, to share with others.

Have you spoken with your doctor about the meds? Perhaps something else could be tried to help you.

The is also a chat room connected with this site, maybe go in and chat with the ones there. Always someone in there talking. Helps to have people to talk to that do understand.

Take care,

Warmsoul

[rampage316]

I think my depression speaks to me. I keep hearing sayings ringing in my ears, but when I look around no one is there or no one is talking to me. Its been a while since I've been on this site. I don't know why I came back to here. Talking about it helps a little because hiding it is ripping my brain apart.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( rampage316 ))))))))))))))

Welcome back. Good to see you posting. Talking here does help so many, gives you the chance to get the thoughts out of just the thinking stage.

Feel free to talk with us, we do can and will do our best to reply.

Warmie

[llorona]

Hi Rampage.

I am also a new poster and can commiserate with much of what you are saying. The feeling of ""living a few months out of the year" drives me insane as my life is not as bad enough to fuel my depression (for example, I have wonderful friends, I am sociable and make easy acquaintances) but those moments of a**holish behavior exist even when I am at least socially comptent with people. I believe that saying "**holeish or creepiest thing that could possibly be said comes out" may be a very manifestation of our depressive selves, don't you think? At the moment, I am debating whether or not to go study at school since I will be acting like a big jerk to people I care about.

Hang in there.

-Llorona

[Amanda]

Hi Rampage316,

While reading ur post i recognised alot of what u said because i've felt similar things, like being afraid to speak to new people because ur afraid of sounding stupid, and trying to blend in with the background. I'm the same so i understand where ur coming from. You also say how uve become addicted to metal music lately; i find myself becoming obsessed with the most random things. I'll obsess about it before moving on to the next thing, it's a distraction, a coping mechanism. Hating urself, i know what that feels like! I hope u'll find some solace in ur life. I've heard it said that happiness is just moments, i hope we can recognise those moments when they come.