Ive had enough

[striderowens]

I'm new to this. I never really talk about whats going on with me with friends, or my mother.

Im 30, and I guess a lot of the bad stuff in my life, from stuff that wasnt a fault of mine, to stupid mistakes I have done, have been haunting me hard this past year. Ive always had a little bit of depression, but I could always, or at least usually, handle it. Its gotten worse for me though. I find myself being very desgruntled, angry, hating everything, just wanting to lose control and just destroy everything I can. I honestly don't care if I die at any given time anymore. Food doesnt taste as good, I have to resort to high levels of diet pills to have the energy and confidence to work out at the gym. I find myself drinking more (just beer. I swore off hard liquer), my work performance has dropped a lot, because I'm struggling to care anymore. I found myself blowing up on ignorance rather than just dismissing it like I used to. I now carry a crowbar in my car incase someone wants to start something road rage wise. It just feels that everything I have doneor do, is just in vain, for nothing. I know my life isn't as bad as I make it out to be, but I just cant get rid of the hate and anger that just keeps dwelling inside of my mind..... I just dont know what to do anymore

[Obayan]

I know that feeling of things piling up so high and just keep pileing on it gets so overwhelming you feel you are about to burst and then you don't. And all you are left with, is this empty feeling of panic waiting on "what's next"... I don't know if this is you too, but it sure sounds like it. There can just be so much to do, so much to handle, you feel trapped and confused and angry and about to burst. I know that feeling. For me, what I do, is I take a step back. I sit down, breathe deep, and make a list. I write out everything that i would like to see changed in my life. All the problems. All the improvements. Everything. I cross out what is out of my control. With what's left, beside each one, i write all my possible options to make a change with it. Then next to each option, i write the possible outcome if i did that option. Know what i have then? A list of possible solutions. I pick the option, no matter how small an effect it may have, and do it. Because even small options, grow. And at least i'm doing something. I'm makeing a change. It may not work out, or it may work better than i expected. That's not the point. The point is to get into the midset to make a change. I hope this helps you any.

[striderowens]

I dont know. It may. I mean, I guess a lot of what I do have is baggage, pretty much where my drinking probably stems from, which also combines with the low self esteem and having to use massive artificial substances in order to feel energized and top of the world. Aside from the baggage, what stresses me most is worrying if Im going to have enough money to make the next bill(s). I cannot move back into my parents house, due to my father being one of the "baggage" things. I know I should take it one day at a time with it, but Ive lost a lot in my life, so I panic when everything goes into the yellow, which I have been for a few years now. But with what you also said, you're also right. I feel trapped with no way out

[Obayan]

I don't wanna preach to ya here, but alcohol and drugs are not good hon. they only fool you into thinking they are helping. Once you sober up, you'll find they have added to the problems. I've seen so many young lives destroyed by these things. I hope you get the help you are looking for hon.