need help and dont no where to turn

[starraver]

i have been with the same man for 4 1/2 yrs, we have been married for 3. we have 2 beautiful kids together. right after our first child was born( about 3 months b4 we got married) i found emails between him and an ex gf saying how much they miss each other and and how they wish they could hold each other lots of flirting and pet names, they were also planing to get together when i was supposed to b out of town but i never ended up going away. they insist that nothing happened and it was strictly emails, we was also email girls on dating websites. after he was caught he cried n begged me not to leave him n promised it wouldn't happen again that he would block her from face book and everything 2 yrs later i found similar emails to the same girl n freaked out at this time she was living in a different province so i new nothing could have happened but still felt emotionally betrayed. around the same time he was partying allot and wouldn't come home for days n spent all our money drinking and doing drugs while i sat at home cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids and worried. we fought allot n he insisted that i was crazy for snooping not trusting him ( i didn't actually snoop we share a computer n i often leave my emails open on the desktop because i have nothing to hide so when i sat at the computer n the email was open i thought it was mine and started reading) he says that the more i don't trust him the more we wants to cheat, he feels like he should because that's what i expect of him. with no money and being kicked of our home i decided to call my parents and move back home he stayed with friends for a month until he had enough to make it home on his own, we spent over a month on opposite sides of the country and i told him i couldn't handle the lies n i wanted a divorce he convinced me to give him another chance to try n make it work. when he finally got back he started hanging out with a girl we had both been friends with for awhile. i saw the way she looked at him and new that she was a proud slut so i did not like the 2 of them hanging out alone all the time. but he insisted that nothing was going on n that she was just a good friend someone to talk to n get advice from. i tried confronting both of them but they constantly brushed me off and lied to me, eventually i told him that what he was doing was inappropriate and if he kept it up i would divorce him so he stopped hanging out with her i still felt in my gut that there was something that had happened even thought he denied it so went on a search for the truth and found that he had an affair with her for 5 months i kicked him in the balls n threw him out of my house he came back 2 days later begin for forgiveness and crying saying that he couldn't live with out me and if i didn't take him back he would kill him self. as much as hate what he did to me i was still in love and i didn't have the strength to turn him away. i forgave him and took him back on conditions that he not speak to her anymore or the other girl he had an on line relationship with so he blocked them on face book and msn and deleted there phone#s but once i was out of the room he unblocked them n still had secret conversations with the on line girl i caught a few text msgs from the girl he had an affair with he swore that he never responded to any of the text n that his on line messages were only of a friendly nature n that there was no inappropriate behavior. this summer he was supposed to take me on a romantic get away he said he wanted to show me how much i mean to him instead he selfishly planed a down hill biking trip for him self and a friend and once he was far away invited a girl to join them the friend they were with insisted they treated each other a just another guy n that there was nothing between them n i believe it i don't think he physically cheated this time but they have tons of pics together and they went to the hot springs and got in hot tubs together n she stayed in the same hotel room as the 2 of them n if it were another guy i wouldn't care but i feel like Ive been replaced. i never said he couldn't b friends with other girls but its not fair for him to treat every other girl like a queen while sit at home alone. if u want to go out to a bar or to dinner u should bring your wife if u want to go on a vacation u should bring your wife. it is inappropriate for a man to get in a hot tub with a girl who is not his wife or to have another girl in his hotel room whether or not they sleeping in separate bed doesn't matter. when your married u have to think about the other persons feelings and how your actions reflect on u. i am very hurt and don't no what to do i no it doesn't help that I'm constantly questioning him or making comments on everything but even now he has not done a single thing to make me feel good about my self or to make me feel like he still loves me. i need help and don't no where to turn.

[Obayan]

Looks like you have a choice to make. This guy is a cheater. It's not going to change. You can either decide this is acceptable behavior and learn how to live with it. Or you can decide this is not acceptable behavior and do something to change your situation. There are shelters out there that can help if that is your choice. I hope you are able to come to a decision soon and start to feel better again.

[starraver]

he keeps telling me hes trying and hes workin hard to b the man i deserve and even my friends can see that hes trying to change. i just dont no how to get through to him that it still hurts when he goes out and doesnt even ask if maybe i would like to join im just tired of sitting at home being the responsible one while he goes out n has fun i feel like we should get a sitter and go out together but its almost like he would rather go out with any one other then me i mean we havnt even been on a date in well over a year. i just feel like for so long it was about this other girl who is now far out of the picture and i just want him to show me that hes still happy to b with me. just take me out n show me that im appreciated. but i dont no how to say that to him cuz everytime i try we end up fighting.

[Obayan]

If you choose to stay with this and work on it, then you need couple's therapy. It may be the only way he will listen. Because actions speak a whole lot louder than words and his actions are not respectfull of you or the relationship.

[starraver]

thnx for ur input its nice to here it from someone else. sometimes when its just the two of u talking about things u start to feel a bit crazy even though i no im not

[Obayan]

My ex used to do that a lot. Something would happen and he really hurt me but somehow by the end of it, i was the one feeling guilty and trying to make him feel better about it. It's called manipulation. And abusers are wonderful at it.