The tale of the Cryptic Avenger

[Cryptic Avenger]

On a March day in Toronto, in the middle of a winter storm, I was brought to this world. A quiet soul, with not much to say. My childhood started out normal, Went to school made friends that would last a lifetime, and had no reason to grow sad.

By the end of third grade all the friends I knew, left. They moved to cities that left like a lifetime away, which I am ironically now living in. Yadda Yadda, the rest of elementary school sucked. I was the girl who was weird, fat and quiet. My sister was on the PTA so I was always around the popular kids with supportive and loving families.

Continuing on to middle school, some thing for the next year. Till grade seven. Where I meet my first "best friend" since kindergarden. We were friends from day one. It was weird for me, to have a friend like her after so long. We did average friend things, sleepovers, hangouts, movies. My naive mind let this new best friend take over. She controlled me with her obscure mean manipulations.

By grade 8, things started to brighten up. I was still the over weight girl who wore only baggy sweaters and jeans, but I meet two people who would forever change my life. I will call them Tom and Jimmy (I laugh at this because its an inside joke) Tom and Jimmy were the friends I longed for my whole life. We could do anything. Tom was the more damaged one. This made her the most sour out of the bunch of us. Jimmy, she was from a happy family, besides their controllability at the time, Her family was supportive and she always had people to talk too. She was funny and happy. Funny now, thinking of it, how we were all so damaged but I new realized till now. A Bunch of misfits. Nearing the end of 8th grade I meet another person who would have an intense impact on my life. I will call him Beverly (Ha, another joke). He was my first real crush. He was my first kiss, and my first guy best friend. Middle school was the best three years of my life. I was happy, and I knew it.

High school. What a joke. Grade 9 started out okay. It was easy to make friends, for the first time in my life, probably because everyone was in the same boat. New faces. I had bleached blonde hair, and pink under it. Tom's idea to start out school like this. It was easy to dress for school, since we had uniforms. I didn't mind them. They were baggy, more to hide in, and semi comfortable. By the end of grade nine I cut off all my hair and it was short and brown. Why? I have no idea. What a stupid thing. By this time I was closest with Tom. However, she always did things that hurt my feelings, childish thing I let go of. She had a mean side. There was reason for it though, I suppose. my bother was heavy in a pot phase at this point. I hated everything about it. Till the day I ate one of his weird brownies. Then the drugs started. In there some where Tom meet another misfit to add to our group of broken minds. I will call her Snail. (smile)

Grade ten. What a load of dog s**t. Which reminds me. In 7th grade I also got my first dog, that was all mine. His name is Ollie. Dogs are a huge part of my life. I also had a chihuahua, Tina, since second grade. Grade ten was the worse. Beverly had disappeared all summer to his dads. He was different. Things with him crashed and burned. Things went bad, and I said a bunch of bullI didn't mean. He ended up with some girl the next day. I flipped and after a bunch of drunk texting to him from a party, things were done. To this day, I regret every word. Another misfit was dragged in, this girl I feel sorry for. We ruined her. Things in grade ten continued to grow bad. Our friendship in our group was weird these days. Tom and Jimmy had know each other their whole lives pretty much. They were always different people, but now they seemed more different. Grade ten ended and the summer started with lots of booze. This was the summer of unexplained bruises and making out with randoms in the forest. I was also know as mono girl for a while after getting strept throat. Fun times. Grade ten wasn't all bad. I dressed better. Took care of my self better. Started to care about how I looked. Nearing the end of the summer, Me, Tom, and Jimmy all talked about how diffrent we were and how we all felt. Heartfelt emotions were felt yadda yadda. The novelty didn't last long and we were in the same boat as before by grade 11.

Grade 11. Semester one I missed a total of 1.5 days the entire semester. I liked school. I got a 93 percent in a call. Grades started to matter to me. Everyone else, was falling apart. Tom was getting wild. Jimmy, reluctant. At this time I was closer to Jimmy. We had lots of good times. It was easy to handout with her. Half way through grade 11, Moving become a word of my vocabulary. I was excited. A whole new start. We found a house in oshawa. I could not wait to start school. Two weeks into this new start I changed all my thinking. What a load my new school was. No uniforms, which was more freedom. This was where life as I knew it crumbled to the ground. I was promised a puppy though, when we got new house. He came home right around my birthday. A Border Collie. I named him Sniper. I was heavily involved in online life, since 2007. I had friends all over he world. We talked about dogs and agility. Sniper was my shot at my dreams. To make it to nationals and to get titles. Ollie was trained all wrong and he never took to competing in agility. I even went to visit some friends in Illinois in 2008. Fun, Fun. Continuing on with grade 11. My grades were bad. My friends back home were having their own issues. They entire group fell apart after I left. Sniper proved to be the world hardest Border Collie puppy. I grew deep into lonelyness and I had no one. I still talked to friends back home. I even got to visit sometimes. It was pretty much just me, my dogs and my online world.

Grade 12 was the same as grade 11. However, things started to change a little bit. Tom was experimenting with drugs. Jimmy always had bad trips on pot, so she didn't want to try harder chemical things. By november I had lost all hope in everything. My life was a mess. I felt very alone. No one understood me. I tried to tell a few people how I felt but they never understood. I decided grades really mattered to me and I was going to go to college to be a vet tech. Wait what? Yeah, random. At the end of november I decided to go vegan. Always an animal lover but with new views from friends, it was just what I wanted to do from then on. I lost about 20 pounds. I felt great. Also nearing the end of november. I met some very very very important to me. I will call him Shaded. Me and shaded, we instant best friends. We met online, on a random dating site. (creepy and unsafe but I was desperate to find someone to help me feel like a person, and not a depress person.) Things were good. I met him for the first time just before christmas. He became my entire world. Litte did I know. He was already with another girl, who I will call Misty. They had been together for 6 months. Also, another one of his ex girlfriends, came back into his life. I will call her Raven. Three girls at one time. What an awesome dude. I didn't find out till about a month into my and shaded's relationship. What awesome timing. Shaded lied about Misty, said he didn't even think they were in a relationship. (HA) Later he told me that he had to be with her. I was crushed. I told him I couldn't stay, I can't stand having feelings for people I know I can't be with, let alone be their best friend. He had a melt down. I had no choice but to stay and try to ignore him posting things about her. About his happiness. It made me sick. I was alone. All in good timing Raven came along. Shaded become consumed in her lies, since she was also playing around with three people at one time. Misty found out about Raven coming back into his life. She left him. He lied to me and told me he broke up with her because he wanted to be with me. (something that bothers me to this day). Shaded was consumed in his own problems. I was still their just a girl he hung out with. We still had relations. Even when he was with Misty. I felt wrong, but I le myself do it. I loved the feeling of closeness with him. He loved Raven, but when he found out her story and the other two guys he left her, and come crawling back to me. We were together. Why did I agree to this? I was naive. I was hopelessly in love with him. He was my everything. I wanted to be with him. School was bad, it was hard balancing all my classes and a coop job. I was at shade's house every weekend. I rarely saw my other friends, which caused issues. School ended. I finished high school the shittiest 4 years ever.

Shaded has become my world. My everything. Hoevr, we have more then just issues. We have major problems. Ever since th whole Raven and Misty huge explosion. I haven't trust him. I can;t trust him. I also cannot talk to him about how depressed I am, because he can't handle it ad I can't say it right without him getting angry. Were broken. I'm broken. I can't do simple things. Every small thing bothers me to no end. I have no one and I am alone. Yes, I have an amazing boyfriend, he tries really hard for me he really does. I just think I need serious help. No matter what he says to help me, I always fall down again. This has such a toll on him. I know he wants to leave me. I can feel it. He says how much he loves me and wants to help me but I just don't believe him. I'm nothing special. I'm not worth it. He could have anyone he wanted because he is simply amazing.

I hate myself. I can't do normal things because I have terrible anxiety. I'm headed to college, but I haven't found a place to live. I have no job. I have no social skills. I smoke everyday to try and make the thoughts of suicidal hate upon myself go away. It calms me. Till I sober up again. Its hard to be away from Shaded for more hen a few days because I can't live with myself.

My parents are still together. They arn't home from 5 am till about 7 pm. I have no relationship with either of them. I talk to my mom when I need something. Other wise my family is not part of my life, even though I still live with them.

There is nothing that can calm me when I am having a break down. I can't go to Shade because he gets frustrated and gets off the computer to avoid me. My online friends stopped caring because I complain so much, and I'm so bipolar in what I tell them. Tom, Jimmy, Snail and the other misfit (whom does not have an alias yet, let her be JD) are all still around. They have their own lives now though. I have mine. Not much of a life.

My story has gaps, and things I left out because honestly its too much to write, and honestly who wants to read this. I'll be surprised if anyone reads this. I'll probably get no replies, then regret ever posting, and continue on into my depressing life where I can't cope with anything. Tina was PTS on saturday. Another thing to ad to things I miss.

One thing I want to explain before I finish this off and continue on in my life. Is my Alias. Cryptic Avenger. This is actually my dog Snipers show name. I gave it to him because I flt is represents a sniper well. Little did I realized how much it represents me too.

Hope this made a bit of sense.

Cryptic Avenger.

[CloudedVision]

It sounds like you've had a really rough life there kiddo. Lots of friends over the years. Some good, some bad. The fact that your here right now is a good thing. To be able to open up and post this proves your a strong person even if it is over the internet. I just want to hit a few key points here. Tom and Jimmy seem a bit odd. Friends are your friends for a reason. We choose to hang out with the people that we do. Drugs well hell we've all done drugs. No one can say they haven't. I was addicted to meth for awhile but then I found out I was going to be a father in a few months. So I had that time to clean up. Your at a good age to fix your life still kiddo. Choose your friends wisely or try to meet new ones. Your going off to college. This is where everyone grows up and runs into the friends of a life time as well as the parties!

Shaded seems like a complete douche bag. How ever.. The fact that he "Came" crawling back after all of that. Why would he do that? Why not just move on? Clearly he has had feelings for you the entire time. Maybe his life has been just as shitty. Maybe his parents are divorced and he doesn't get enough attention at home from his family. There are a lot of reasons people will do the things they do for attention they don't ever get. It seems as if he didn't "crawl" back to you in the bigger picture. You say you met him in November and it's not July. I'll assume your still together. People f*** up kiddo. I mean hell I'm a father of twins now yet their mother took me back after I cleaned up my drug addiction. Seems as if this Shaded fellow may have issues of his own that he has to deal with as well. Maybe he feels this way as you do. Depression is a hard thing to go through alone. I think also after all of this you two have been through if he wanted to "Leave you" he would have left after the "Misty" event. Knowing his world was crashing down on him at this point. If he says he loves you and shows it every day and wants to be with you well.. Who says he's lying? You two have had an epic experience of a relationship that is just blooming. Every relationship has its flaws but from what you've said. How you feel about Shaded. Well kiddo maybe you need to reconstruct with him. Rebuild with him. Sit down and talk to him about how you feel and tell him straight up how somethings he does makes you feel. If he doesn't listen then maybe you should be the one not trying for him. He needs to realize how much you love him and he needs to grasp on how much he loves you.

Family.. Eh I never had a family until this point. Now a days kids are lucky to have both parents still kiddo. To me and my experience with family. It's not blood that defines this word. It's the people who enter your thoughts the most. Who make you feel loved. The way your body and mind relaxes when your with these people. You've still got along way to go in life. Who knows what will happen down the road.

I'm just a bunch of letters and text on the internet I know. It's still good to hear someone make sense of it all. Trust me I know. So just try to keep positive. Fix things with Shaded. Don't keep them buried. That will hurt even more. Your moving out soon for college? Well college starts really soon. So when you finally get up there maybe you'll meet the friends of a life time. With or without Shaded. This life is yours. You need to take control of it and mend it into something beautiful.