Sinking more and more

[justme277]

Hello everyone,

I feel everyday that i have a good life but do not deseve it. I feel that even though she would never admit it that my wife knows she would be better off without me and i feel im a horrible father. dont get me wrong i do not and have never abused my wife or child but lately ive been going up and down with depression. i feel i cannot talk about this to anyone not even my wife, if my job knew i probably would be fired. im ashamed of myself for things ive done in life and still think about things i did way back in middle school that to me are so awful cannot be forgiven. im ashamed that because of my crappy mood my wifes good mood went bad tonight and she went to bed alone and without me even saying goodnight but then the longer i think about it i think she dont care about how im feeling cause if she did she would try to talk to me about it then i think well she asks me whats wrong and i say nothing but she dont press the issue so i feel worse. im ashamed that i could not even muster up the motovation to leave my house today and sat around all day. im ashamed that i feel like this and cannot recover and feel trapped because if i reach out for real (doctor) help word will get out and ill lose my job. i dont beleive in suicide and could never do that but i think about death alot and just wish sometimes that it would happen for me somehow. i feel that life is slipping away and im not doing what i want to do with my life but because of my family i cant do what i want to do, what i need to do to be happy. i guess im just meant to be unhappy and meant to be trapped. maybe thats how im paying for my sins i dont know. i just want to talk to someone openly and i cant and its driving me crazy. i feel i want my life to be wrecked in some way and just crawl off somewhere and die and hope the next life or afterlife is better but i dont know if it would be for me. i think i may have seasonal disorder but how can i be helped when it is currently the season i love. i am no longer interested in things i used to love. i hope by writing this and trying to sleep tonight that ill feel better but would apriciate your guys views or advice on how i can get my life back before its too late if its not already.

[shmuel]

Hi justme777,thanks for sharing and welcome,
One of the most important steps to take is to share your worries and feelings with others who can support and be there for you.
You are here so you have sarted...
Do try to be honest with your wife,maybe you feel you don`t want to burdon her with your thoughts.. but I consider it far more important to let her know whats in your thoughts.

From my own experience...I know that depression gets rid of all rational thoughts...fills me up with negative thoughts and fears without substance,guilt feelings,making mountains from molehills..ach! the list goes on..with depression we can`t think straight.
Please don`t be afraid to visit your Doc or another form of professional help - keep in mind that your fears at the moment are irrational,sure they have a power but its a con.
Don`t isolate yourself..you are not alone - there are people around who know what you are experiencing and who are there to help you.

It is an overwhelming experience .. thousands of thoughts flying through our heads and everyone of them a bad one.Sapping and crushing any chance of a good or positive thought to get in.
There is hope and there is help - As someone once said - its not motivation that comes first its action.
But we need a little plan -
maybe talk to your wife very soon..it doesn`t have to be a long talk about everything ..but do share some of your worries.
Do you have a trusted friend that you could share some thoughts with?
Make an appointment with a Doc.
And stay in touch here in the forums -
Build a little oasis of people that are there to support you.. thats us
Take care justme77 and keep in touch,let us know how you are doing.

[hey-its-ok]

hey... you know... of cause you deserve a good life, everybody does... whether your wife is better off with or without you is in your hands, you can change things so that she IS better off with you...

EVERYBODY can be forgiven, there is nothing that you can do that can't be forgiven, you just have to learn to forgive yourself, and let the past remain in the past, and look at your current situation and make things better...

have you asked yourself why you are depressed? why don't you tell us a bit more? just remember, i have this motto, that things can change, and things WILL change, there is no such thing as a permanent situation, and things can always change for the better, you just have to work at it, and see how to make it better...

[justme277]

Hello again everyone and thank you for the replies.

The last few days have definitly been better, ofcourse i have low times still but atleast its not an all day and night issue atm. I really feel like just posting on this forum helped alot. Just to get out my issues to someone (you guys) made me feel like a weight had been lifted so thank you guys for being here. I hate to think what it would be like without having a place to vent.

I fear that the depression will come back full force and im sure it will, but i will just be back here ranting to you guys and hoping it makes me feel better again.

As for what depresses me, im not real sure i just get to thinking about things that have happened in the past and i dont think i can forgive myself but im trying to accept that and hope someday ill get over it. I also feel trapped sometimes because i want more out of life, i want to move to another state so bad and do more with my life but i cannot cause my wife will not entertain the idea at all. I feel a move would help my seasonal disorder and would just help me forget the things that have happened here, kind of like starting over in life. Im trying to accept that ill never move though and trying to deal with it the best i can.

I have tried to gather the courage to speak to my wife about this but cant seem to do it. I really dont have any friends that i trust or am comfortable enough with to share these thoughts either. I know its pretty pathetic but i cant help it.

Thanks alot for your replies I read them alot and it does make me feel better and not so alone.

[hey-its-ok]

You are never alone, and this forum really welcomes you (I do too), and you can write whatever you want to write, and say whatever you want to say, and we are all here to listen and go through this with you.

Yes, i'm afraid that depression may come back again as you said, but before it does, remember this... it comes.... it goes... its just for a certain period of time that its here, and you have to recognise it for what it is... its just that, depression, a certain state of mind, a state that you have control over to a certain extent... you can tell yourself that you are not going to let it get to you, you can tell yourself that you want to turn it around and get the better of it... by using logic and reasoning, by not going with your depressed emotions but using what logic you can come up with right now before you get depressed again, and when you are depressed, remember now, today, when you try to logic to yourself how depression is just a state of mind that does NOT match your real situation, its an exagerrated mindstate... a mindstate that the hormones in your brain triggers...

"As for what depresses me, im not real sure i just get to thinking about things that have happened in the past and i dont think i can forgive myself but im trying to accept that and hope someday ill get over it.

why can't you forgive yourself? forgive and forget... no matter what you done, it does not bother me, you are remorseful, that's good enough, let it go... its ok.... learn to forgive yourself... this is the first step, if you feel comfortable, you can tell me what you have done, we are always here for you, whatever you have done, it does not matter... the past is gone, the future is a long road ahead, and you have to embrace the future with a fresh spirit...

You have a wife and you have kid(s)... its not easy to move to another state, of cause a fresh start is attractive, but with all your current commitments... depends on how old are your child(ren)... what has happened that is so bad there that you have to run away? Sometimes moving to a different place will give you a new start, but not all the time, if you are depressed, just because you move to a different place doesn't always mean your depression will go away, there are lots of challenges too when you move... there is one saying that i really love, let me share with you... it says "you can cover the entire earth with carpeting, or you can simply wear a pair of shoes". What this is saying is that you can try and change the whole world, change your external circumstances (which is very difficult, like covering the earth with carpeting), or you can just change your internal mindset (i.e. be happy) and then you will be happy everywhere you go... it is telling you to just put on a pair of shoes, and you won't have to spend the effort in covering the earth with carpeting... if you know what i mean...

[hey-its-ok]

Hey Justme, this is Just for you, i took it from warmie's corner... i hope the day is going well for you...

Words To Live By
An excerpt from No Glass Ceiling, Just Blue Sky
By Marcy Blochowiak

Dream what you want to dream;
Go where you want to go;
Be what you want to be,
Because you have only one life
And one chance to do all the things
You want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human and
Enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily
Have the best of everything;
They just make the most of
Everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always
Be based on a forgotten past;
You can't go forward in life until
You let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling
Live your life so at the end
You're the one who is smiling and everyone
Around you is crying.
- Anonymous