Hear Me Out?

[Lyssa]

I am in that arduous and egotistical process of attempting to better myself. To that end, I have done the fashionable thing: I am seeing a therapist. In my own subjective view, I am riddled with flaws, things I would embrace in others but cannot seem to forgive in myself. With the purpose of self-improvement in mind, my therapist decided it would be a good idea for me to write down my thoughts and my feelings… I have decided to share it with you, instead. I do not know you, but I will share a deeper intimacy with you than I have ever shared with anyone. I will make no apologies, this is for my own sake, but if any can derive any lesson from it then perhaps it will not have been in vain. I am not trying to gain sympathy, you should not feel sorry for me. Through all the things I will share with you, I have never forgotten what a truly amazing thing it is to be alive, how fortunate I am. We all have our burdens to carry, our own secret sorrows. No, I do not want your sympathy, or your support...

I share this with you, because I want to feel understood.

I know absolutely nothing about the woman who gave birth to me, nor do I care to. I do not know the reason she did not want me, I suspect it may have been due to my “disability.” This is no bad thing, however, and indeed is the best thing that could have happened to me. Had she stayed, I have no doubt my life would be significantly worse than it is, as she could not have had a caring bone in her body if my “disability” really was the reason she did not want me. If that was the case, then I do not want her either. You see, I was born profoundly deaf. Regardless, I was a very happy, bubbly baby who didn’t seem to notice she was missing out on anything. My earliest memory was being confused, of trying to get to grips with the concept of what other children were trying to do when they tried to speak with me. I was however, fortunate enough to have the best foster parents anyone could ask for, they were patient, understanding, they even learned sign language themselves in order to teach me.

Over the years, I have become very adept at making myself understood, even to those who cannot sign. I can lip read very well, though most people slur their words of make it impossible by turning their faces when they talk. I can sense when people are talking, and I can read expressions well. I have learned to speak, but feel so self conscious about this that I never do, only three people have ever heard my voice. All of this paints me as a fairly well adjusted person, if it were not for one thing… I simply cannot connect with the vast majority of people.

Language generally, is deeply flawed. I say the word lonely, you hear the word, and your perception of it is tainted by your own ideas and experiences about what it means to fee lonely. Words may be publicly maintained, but how can I possibly believe with any certainty that you do understand? "Wherever you are, and whatever you do, you live your entire life inside your own head." Everything we experience is viewed through the veil of perception, everything we hear is coloured by our own memories and word associations. If words are flawed... Try to imagine this problem, when you cannot even speak.


It can be so isolating, silence in a world that is full of sound. I like the way I look, but when men or women approach me, I smile, I sign that I am deaf, and the conversation is simply… Over. They say something like “oh okay.” They are very polite, they are not trying to be offensive, they just assume I cannot possibly communicate with them. I have very few friends, because of this, but equally because of me. I get very nervous around groups of more than two of three, I become withdrawn, and I all back on my deafness as an excuse not to try to reach out. I have isolated myself, more than being Deaf ever could have.

I think isolation is the reason I fell in love with mathematics. I can scarcely imagine a more solitary pursuit. Maths is the universal language, it doesn’t matter what language you speak, or even if you can speak. When I’m working with others on a problem, there’s no need for words, and it is the only time I feel even close to being understood.

I am getting ready to start my masters in Pure Mathematics this September, having just achieved a first class honours degree from one of the finest universities in the world. I should be grateful, I should be on top of the world. And yet, I have never felt quite so alone. Every so often, I get this sudden blinding panic, as ridiculous as this sounds in those moments; I literally feel I am about to die. A sense of impending doom, a wild, irrational despair. I do not know what causes it, or how it started, more and more I am withdrawing into my own world of silence and I do not know why. The man who was in every way that counts, my Dad, died very suddenly when I was fourteen years old, I had idolized him beyond rationality; he was my hero. I have never felt pain or anger like that in all my life. Perhaps I have never come to terms with that. I cannot sleep, I barely eat and I very seldom go outside now. I am so very aware, of how self-involved all of this is, and I hate myself for expressing it even as I type. I have always been proud of my self-reliance, I never lean on anyone and I never complain. But as I share this with all of you, I lose even that. I feel rotten to my core.

The story of my life, is never feeling understood.
Am I wrong? Is there someone who understands…?

[tryingtobewise]

Hello,
"I cannot sleep, I barely eat and I very seldom go outside now."

Ditto.

I can hear and speak and I relate to never being able to connect with people; I relate to isolation.

I am unable to change who I am. Over the years I was able to alter my responses and behavior, but that never got me through the isolation.

I am 55 now and have given up the pursuit to connect with people that I had when I was young. I tired and feel now my only path is to accept and learn to deal with the pain that comes with loneliness.

There are many, many people around the world experiencing the same thing. As economic hard times continue, many more will join us, I believe.

It is wonderful you will begin your graduate program soon. There is a chance that you will meet people that you feel you can develop relationships with; even if it is only one person.

Are you at all engaged in the deaf community? I would think there you would meet people who go through the same experiences you shared about how people respond when they find out you are deaf; and that I would think such a shared experience would develop bonds between people.

I have never met a deaf person in a social situation (I have 4 cousins who are deaf and saw them only a few times in my life). Since you do not speak, do you have something to write on to socialize? Since the majority of people do not sign, what could a person do once they realize the person they are talking to is deaf? I think everyone understands people who are deaf read lips, but how are we supposed to understand the deaf person?

I understand and know your pain of loneliness, isolation and not feeling connected. It helps me a little to know other get it.

Kathy

[Lyssa]

I'm glad to hear someone can relate, at least =) Perhaps it is something I will accept over time, as you have. I'm twenty years old, I just feel like I should be out... being young, and I just can't seem to do it.

As for the deaf community, there is a group close to where I live, while I can communicate with them much better, I've never felt drawn or close to any of them. The idea from most of them is because we are all deaf, we have conversation points and reasons to talk... Aside from being deaf, I don't find I do. I don't want my social interactions to all revolve around the fact that I'm deaf. Notepads is a great way to talk, and my main way usually, but its a difficult medium to connect with, and many find it too difficult to try over long periods of time.

How long have you felt the way you do? I hope you are managing to cope with it, Kathy.

[tryingtobewise]

Hi,

I have felt this way all my life. Although throughout the years I had 'friends' from time to time, they never lasted and I never really felt connected.

When my two children were young it was easy to feel connected to other mothers with children, but once they were grown it was back to being alone.

Lately I am feeling like life is to much to handle. I am unemployed. I have a 24 year old son who has a mental illness that keeps him from working. As my money runs out I have so many fears; one of the biggest is being able to take care of him.

You are just beginning life! I know you must desire to be out engaging with other young people; to become a part of a group. At the school you will attend soon if there is a language department that teaches sign language they probably have a lab where students can go practice. Maybe you could volunteer or work in such a lab. You mentioned it becomes troublesome to develop a relationship with communicating through writing. It seems you need to meet people who sign. My sister and daughter took sign in college and attended a lab to practice.

I am glad you are going to a therapist. It is important you analyze how you are feeling. You are so young and have years ahead of you. You are not only starting to develop your personality. A person becomes strong over time. You are a highly intelligent women. Others, I am sure, admire you and your accomplishments. Focus on the fact that soon you will be at school; you will be around people again and have to leave your house. It will be good for your well-being. I envy you. I would love to be back at school.

Take care and take comfort in your brilliance, not many people had that.
Kathy

[Lyssa]

I've been volunteering at a BSL (British Sign Language) class while I've been at home, that's been nice, and I've had a few laughs there. I don't even think being deaf has very much to do with it, it makes things difficult, but I'm very shy and I get so nervous. I've had boyfriends, but it has never worked out, maybe I'm looking for that mind-blowing connection and am simply asking too much.

Are you seeing anyone, to talk about the way you're feeling? I'm sure there are so many people who feel the way you do, especially the the economy the way it is at the moment. I think your advice to me is good, perhaps you should take it too? Try to find some group, or some activity that will provide you with some human contact, but that is also inexpensive. Do you not receive any support for your son, if he is still a dependent? I am hoping against hope that the economy picks up, people like you are the most affected and it isn't fair. You have done a wonderful thing to raise your son and support him with his illness, it must take a strength I can scarcely imagine. You can take a great deal of pride in that, I think.

Thank you for your advice, it means more than you know to me. I had felt a bit guilty for posting this online as soon as I'd done it, but I don't anymore.

[tryingtobewise]

Though out my life I saw a number of different professionals. The last one as I was sharing my thoughts and feelings became agitated and said that her cat had gotten out before she left for work, and that was a real problem not what I was sharing. I left and did not return. Most of the professionals I saw would look at their watch during our session. I think their schooling should include to not look at a watch. I have given up on professional help.

I have recently decided I need to seek out some sort of support. Last week I went to a church I found on the Internet. I do not believe the Bible is literal, and, therefore, most churchs are not for me. This one was not either. Next Sunday I am going to a Buddist temple for a meditation service. I know I have to find something where I can feel connected.

My son has food stamps and a housing voucher. I was paying for a studio for him last year, and I live in a studio. We cannot live together because he thinks I am out to get him most of the time.

That is great you volunteer! It is a great way to keep being around people regardless that you do not feel connected. All you need to find is one person that you can bond with. You probably have noticed those around you also go through many relationships. Men do not tend to be dedicated to just one person. Yet, there are ones who desire a long term relationship with honesty and dedication, so do not give up.

When does school start for you? Are you going for a Masters or PHD?