Hello,
This is my very first time being a member of a site like this and my first time posting. However, this is certainly not the first time I have felt as bad as I currently do.
Here's a glimpse at my life...First of all, I feel so guilty for being depressed and sad, because I do not have a bad life. I feel like I need to apologize to anyone who has things worse than me. I'm 29 years old, female, I have a great career, I don't make tons of money, but I'm doing what I've always wanted to do for work. I own my own home, I have a loving, sweet boyfriend who lives with me, and I really don't have any massive problems in my life...
I go through periods of time where I am completely fine, happy, smiling, totally content with life...then all of a sudden, something triggers THIS, and I'm miserable, crying, and just want to run away. I take everything in life personal...everything. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I take it personal. If someone at work gets a promotion, I get angry, because it wasn't me. If someone doesn't answer an email or text, I think it's because they don't care about me and don't have time/effort for me. I truly believe all of that stuff. I am here on a website because I am absolutely NOT comfortable talking about this with family, friends, co-workers, boyfriend, no one. They won't understand, and they will look at me like I'm a nut.
I also look at my life as a complete and utter embarrassment, for a few reasons. I am a perfectionist and when things don't go the exact way I need them to, I get down on myself and anything less than perfect isn't ok with me. If I make a mistake at work, I go on a swearing rampage and freak the hell out (usually at a time when no one is around to hear, thank God).
Also, I feel like a failure because I feel at 29 I should be on my way to being married. I know it's not a race, but I feel like everyone around me is getting married, and I feel like it's God's way of punishing me and throwing it in my face as if to say "haha, everyone else is doing it except you!!!!" So I currently have no interest in associating with anyone that I know that is engaged....I feel like it should be me, I feel like there must be something wrong with me because at 29, I'm not engaged, and I feel like it's never going to happen. I truly feel that people look at me and laugh because they are laughing at my failure. I feel like they are thinking, wow, she's been with her boyfriend for a long time, what a loser, he doesn't want to marry her!
I don't know what my problem is....I try so hard to make a better life for myself, and I feel like I constantly let myself down. I'm not happy with anything right now. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I act.....I'm just in a bad place and I don't know how to get out. I have been reading The Secret and The Power recently and I absolutely believe in those books.....but I am finding it to be SO hard to put the information in those books into my life! I want to be positive and happy and be happy for others and just live life normally....what is my problem?! I feel terrible that I am upset and depressed over things that I feel are not huge problems. I should be so grateful that I have 2 legs, and 2 arms, and I'm healthy, I can see, I have a job, etc.! I feel so guilty for feeling this way!!
Sorry this is so long...but I felt the need to come here and post because I started getting scared of being alone, like afraid I'll do something bad. Sometimes when I'm driving I think about driving myself right off the road....I have screwed up feelings like that more and more often, and I know that's completely unhealthy and frankly, pretty scary. I think it's time I seek out a therapist, if not, I'm afraid I will just get worse. I've been putting it off for a few months now, because I am afraid that insurance won't cover it and I'll have to pay out of pocket, which I cannot afford to do. I will have to find a way. Thank you for reading. I hope someone can offer some advice. Thanks.
This is my story
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
-
crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Hi there! Welcome! I just want you to know that you have stated some of what your problems were. That's actually where you start.
I just want to say now that I am not being hard on you or being critical, so please don't take it that way. I suffer from a similar problem as you do, so I am not throwing any stones.
#1: The 1st thing would be to stop taking things so personally & maybe so seriously.
I was just like you. I always felt a way when I messaged people & there was no response. Then, I realized, "You know? They have a life, too. I have a life, too. They're free to do what they want & it's not going to ruin me."
The other thing I did was to see what their pattern was. Do they usually email you once per week, once per month or only at Holidays? Then, you can come to expect that or what's even better, don't expect anything.
I know it probably sounds weird, but I have come not to expect anything from people. I just look and see, wait & see. Every now & then, I get a nice surprise.
One reason I may not answer people is that my pattern is to stay away from others, if I am going through something. Also, sometimes, I have too much to deal with in my own life that I do not feel I can deal with something from anyone else's at the moment.
What I try to do is work with what people will give me & make sure I don't overwork or overexert myself (basically overreaching). The point is to keep it reciprocal.
#2: Please don't feel guilty.
There are lots of things that can get people down, one way or another. Feeling guilty is the last thing you need. It only becomes a hindrance.
There is always going to be someone who has had it worse than you, I feel. Why should that take away from the validity of your issues?
Don't feel guilty, but work through it!
#3: Perfectionism
Sometimes this is good, but when it starts working you over, that's when it's a good idea to cut back & cut down on it. Or rather, address the negativity that comes into play.
Also, watch out with the swearing because someone just might hear you. Maybe it's because of where I live, but I always feel someone will either see or hear whatever it is I'm doing. Be careful.
#4: Self-persuasion towards positivity (SUGGESTION)
Start on working on this & what you read in those books may very well come to pass. It requires paying a lot of attention to yourself & confronting + shooting down every negative thing that you either say (especially about yourself) or your life or other people. Forget other people. You have yourself to nurture.
Keep a log for a week & you'll see what I mean.
What those books are really encouraging people do to is problem solving. Part of problem solving is [positive] energy & putting it to use for you. Take negatives [about yourself] & turn them into positives. Make them work for you, instead of against you.
#5: You are NO embarrassment. You are NO failure.
Please don't think so. This is just a hurdle to a happier life.
#6: You want more than you are getting from people or out of your life.
Remember in your post where you asked what your problem was. In my opinion, that is it.
That can be solved. If you want to get married or at least engaged, have you had those talks with your boyfriend? What was his response? How long have you all been together? If it's been long, when you bring up the conversation, you can say. "Well, you know we've been together for so long. Why don't we get engaged?" Or however you are going to put it.
The reason for the talk would be that you are not getting any younger & that if you want to have kids, you need to start soon. Or however you are going to put it!
Go carve it out for yourself. It's there for you. You have control. Whatever you don't like or is not working for you, you still have a choice in the matter--whether you stick with it or leave it there where it is.
Your perfectionist streak can be put to good use there to help you!
What else do you need to do in your life to make your feel more worthwhile? Think it up & do it, so long as it isn't harmful. Is it volunteering, seeking more hobbies, working on more projects? ETC. ETC.
#7: Forget people! They may not even be thinking about you.
How I look at it is this way: If they are saying crap about me, they're all cowards as far as I am concerned & they are undeserving of respect. That's all they can do: snicker when I'm not looking or even if they do it in my face, I know they still aren't worthy.
I don't care what people say because I know what I've done in my life & I lived it the way I saw fit--regardless of whether I made mistakes or errors or I did everything spot on at that time.
We both can do it. Let me know how it goes. Seeing your post reinvigorates me to continue working steadfastly on my own issues.
I just want to say now that I am not being hard on you or being critical, so please don't take it that way. I suffer from a similar problem as you do, so I am not throwing any stones.
#1: The 1st thing would be to stop taking things so personally & maybe so seriously.
I was just like you. I always felt a way when I messaged people & there was no response. Then, I realized, "You know? They have a life, too. I have a life, too. They're free to do what they want & it's not going to ruin me."
The other thing I did was to see what their pattern was. Do they usually email you once per week, once per month or only at Holidays? Then, you can come to expect that or what's even better, don't expect anything.
I know it probably sounds weird, but I have come not to expect anything from people. I just look and see, wait & see. Every now & then, I get a nice surprise.
One reason I may not answer people is that my pattern is to stay away from others, if I am going through something. Also, sometimes, I have too much to deal with in my own life that I do not feel I can deal with something from anyone else's at the moment.
What I try to do is work with what people will give me & make sure I don't overwork or overexert myself (basically overreaching). The point is to keep it reciprocal.
#2: Please don't feel guilty.
There are lots of things that can get people down, one way or another. Feeling guilty is the last thing you need. It only becomes a hindrance.
There is always going to be someone who has had it worse than you, I feel. Why should that take away from the validity of your issues?
Don't feel guilty, but work through it!
#3: Perfectionism
Sometimes this is good, but when it starts working you over, that's when it's a good idea to cut back & cut down on it. Or rather, address the negativity that comes into play.
Also, watch out with the swearing because someone just might hear you. Maybe it's because of where I live, but I always feel someone will either see or hear whatever it is I'm doing. Be careful.
#4: Self-persuasion towards positivity (SUGGESTION)
Start on working on this & what you read in those books may very well come to pass. It requires paying a lot of attention to yourself & confronting + shooting down every negative thing that you either say (especially about yourself) or your life or other people. Forget other people. You have yourself to nurture.
Keep a log for a week & you'll see what I mean.
What those books are really encouraging people do to is problem solving. Part of problem solving is [positive] energy & putting it to use for you. Take negatives [about yourself] & turn them into positives. Make them work for you, instead of against you.
#5: You are NO embarrassment. You are NO failure.
Please don't think so. This is just a hurdle to a happier life.
#6: You want more than you are getting from people or out of your life.
Remember in your post where you asked what your problem was. In my opinion, that is it.
That can be solved. If you want to get married or at least engaged, have you had those talks with your boyfriend? What was his response? How long have you all been together? If it's been long, when you bring up the conversation, you can say. "Well, you know we've been together for so long. Why don't we get engaged?" Or however you are going to put it.
The reason for the talk would be that you are not getting any younger & that if you want to have kids, you need to start soon. Or however you are going to put it!
Go carve it out for yourself. It's there for you. You have control. Whatever you don't like or is not working for you, you still have a choice in the matter--whether you stick with it or leave it there where it is.
Your perfectionist streak can be put to good use there to help you!
What else do you need to do in your life to make your feel more worthwhile? Think it up & do it, so long as it isn't harmful. Is it volunteering, seeking more hobbies, working on more projects? ETC. ETC.
#7: Forget people! They may not even be thinking about you.
How I look at it is this way: If they are saying crap about me, they're all cowards as far as I am concerned & they are undeserving of respect. That's all they can do: snicker when I'm not looking or even if they do it in my face, I know they still aren't worthy.
I don't care what people say because I know what I've done in my life & I lived it the way I saw fit--regardless of whether I made mistakes or errors or I did everything spot on at that time.
We both can do it. Let me know how it goes. Seeing your post reinvigorates me to continue working steadfastly on my own issues.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 100 guests