Strange

[RenaMoon]

I have always felt strange, like a being pressing at a skin tight covering, trying to get free; all the while, screaming. I can't really say when all of this pain started. I know that I think I've always been this way. As far as my memory goes people have always been mean to me. Cruel. Always taking advantage of me. There were a few that saw me as a hard worker. Always praised me for putting so much effort into anything. My family... has always been torn. My dad has aggressive anger issues.

To this day I will never forget when I saw my dad kick my little brother in the back then tell him he hoped he busted his kidneys and he was dead by morning. My brother was crying in his chair at the table. I was scared. This was on my mom's birthday. I'll never forget when my mom attacked me, blamed it on me then called my dad. He started threatening my very life, telling me he was going to come home and kill me. My grandma came and got me that night. I stayed with them for two years listening to them badmouth my family. My parents kept trying to get me to come back but I didn't want to because I thought that he would kill me.

Obviously he didn't and eventually he came and got me after I got so sick of my aunt and my grandparents blaming me for every little problem then never letting me do anything like going to get my license or a job. My grandpa told me that I would never graduate from high school. I proved him wrong and graduated at the top of my class in 2008. All through school I was an outcast. Never fit in anywhere, but people admittedly would only be "friends" with me because I was smart. And if I refused they tried to cheat off my papers. I went through a cutting phase in middle school. I tried to overdose on meds in high school. I tried again in the navy boot camp. After I ended up where I am now I tried to poison myself to escape. Now when I hit the really bad lows I grab me a drink, hide in my room, and put enough alcohol in my system to fall asleep. Sometimes I think about combining sleeping pills with the alcohol because all I can think about is how much better life would be without me. How much happier everyone would be.

I liked writing. I loved it, writing stories... but never really finishing them. But then people started getting mad at me because they thought that I was writing about them. They accused me of jotting down bad things. I stopped writing. I have ideas but when I pick up a pencil, my thoughts... everything it all just stops and I end up staring at blank piece of paper.

There is only one person in all this world I long to see every day. He is three and a crazy little energetic monster at times. My nephew is the only one in the world that can hold my heart. I love him so much I'd do anything for him, even protect him from his mother - who only ever has guys on the brain. It frustrates me that my dad thinks he's my nephew's dad. My dad tries to control everything. And when he can't and something happens, like my nephew's tantrums, then he goes ballistic on everyone. I won't even be around then suddenly it is all my fault. I'm the world's worst person. I'm a disgrace. He comes in close trying to push me around. In the past he would have knocked me down in the floor, shoved me against the wall, hit me... without a second thought. But now he's got so much over on me that all it takes is his intimidation tactics.

I want to leave but I'm not financially fit to take off. I don't even have a vehicle of my own yet because all of my money always goes to them. I won't put the burden on my friends. They have enough on their plates, and I don't want them to get mad at me because of my depression. There has already been a few times when they ask me why I am being like I am. I pass it off as just being sleepy after working all day.

I'll stop there. Too much, I know. I also know its like a jumbled mess. That's how everything is in my head... a mess. There are some things I cant remember at all. My nightmares are bad enough, I don't think I want to cross the line into the darkest blackness.

[BeautifulDisatr]

Please continue...

I love to write too and in my years of thearpy I am always encourged to write. It allows us to express all the emotions, thoughts, feelings...so on and so forth with in us. I am sooo happy to have found this forum, where not only I am heard ,but I can also release my thoughts ...some days are good and most are bad. But ultimatly despite my enviroment I am slowly realizing that most of the thoughts and feeling in my mind is the depression twisting my thoughts. Anyways even if I don't make sence, we seem to make sence here because we all have this unexplainable emotion we can all relate too despite our very different situation.

Reading your post, many parts of it sounded like my life. Many parts I could relate emotionally as if I was a child standing next to you experiencing the same fear, anger, frustration and love all at one time. But as a grown woman now (still fighting the demons of my childhood) I do realize I am a valuable, intelligent, hardworking beautiful disater. I am not perfect, I struggle internally and my thoughts and feeling rule my world... but I am this path to help myself find this serenity or happiness with in myself. It may take me a life time, but I will do it.

Please continue, please keep writing, you are not alone.


(((HUGS))))

[BeautifulDisatr]

On a silly note, my spelling sucks. I lie in bed. Reading the various post on my cell phone. So I apologize for the awful spelling, however I am sure everyone understands my point.

LOL