Lost

[Chuck]

Hi,
I don't know what im doing on here, so you might have to excuse my post if it ends up sounding jumbled or making no sense. i guess im just hoping maybe i can get some advice (if this is the right place to ask it).

Its just each day i seem to be struggling with depression worse and worse, to the point of getting home and having panic attacks ending up on the floor and coming to a few hours later. Without going into to much detail its even been at such a stage every now and then that i've harmed myself and tried to od.
The depression itself goes back quite some years though i've generally been able to deal with it holding it off and only having the odd breakdown. but recent problems and changes that are happening in my life seem to be all going against me and i really haven't a clue how to deal with it.
The first problem i think is that quite often i feel very alone, as i only really have a couple of friends. What doesn't help this is that for some time i have fallen in love with my best friends girlfriend (who also happens to be my other best friend), now to clear things up i know im in the wrong and the bad guy of the story for having these feelings for her, and i would never say or do anything to get in the way of my friendship with either of them. As a result though it just causes me a lot of pain as im crazy about her and can't stop thinking about her, but i know that nothing will ever work out (for me at least). on the plus side their happy together and thats the main thing. I know doing nothing is the right choice, but why does doing the right thing always mean having to suffer? life just seems even more cruel for making the right choice always the hard one!
The other major issue again actually involving my best friend from above is that i get the feeling lately im being replaced. We have a saturday person at work who he seems to be gradually replacing me with, where as i used to get asked round quite a bit, asked to play football on sundays etc, im not anymore. he'll always leave me out of conversations at work on saturday now to, barely ends up saying two words to me. i hope that its just in my head, and not really the case, though if it is then i guess that means im paranoid and insane, so either way it seems like i've had it!
I know nothing can really be done and its just something i have to live with. But i've had nightmares of my future and i can't see me having many years left if i continue like this. but at the same time i can't see any way out. i've tried certain anti depresents, i've even tried to see if theres some way of inducing amnesia to just forget who i am.
Im just very lost and can't see an ending.
hopefully i didn't ramble to much, if anyones still awake after reading that post then thanks for listening.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi Chuck,

Welcome to the forums. Hope you have read some of the post and find support there, learning how we all deal with the same thing.

May I ask, do you see a doctor? On meds? Perhaps consider it if not. There are no professional here, we give peer support in the best way we can.

There is a chat room connected with this site, have you gone in and chatted with others? Really fantastic people in our site. Welcome again.

Warmsoul

[Chuck]

Thanks for replying. I have tried some meds but didn't really seem to have any effect on me. I've tried to avoid going to a doctor as i just seem to have a fear of seeing anyone in person to talk to this about. I did phone up a helpline last night but didn't really get anywhere i don't think. In addition to that think i had a sorta confirmation today that my friend pretty much has replaced me.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((( Chuck )))))))))))) a hug for you.

The first step is usually getting into a doctor. They don't judge you, they do understand depression and anxiety. There are different meds out there that do help. Just need to find the one that works for you. Just a suggestion.

Do understand not wanting to talk about it to anyone in person. Yet doctors are trained to help with this. Give it a thought.

Warmie

[Chuck]

My heads still all over the place with this, but i'll try and look into it, i've read a lot of different things about meds though seeming to make some people feel worse sometimes which is a bit of a worry, though that said i guess its worth a try.

Thanks again

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Chuck,

Like most meds, there are those trial and error phase. What works for one, doesn't for another. But to find out, you must try. With the guidance of a good doctor, you will find the right one, an answer.

Good luck and know we are here and the chat room for you.

Warmie

[rober]

Hi chuck!
I'm so sorry for the way you are feeling....
probably the fact of being replaced is just a wrong impression...but if it makes you feel bad why don't you talk to your friend?
I think it would be very usefull for you to try to make new friends....do you have any interests that could help you to meet new people?
those are just guessing...I'm not in the position to give you advice of course!
I would ike to tell you another little thing...why don't you try with a therapist? if you find the right one I'm pretty sure is going to be helpfull.
I really hope you feel better.... A big hug for you!

[Chuck]

Hi rober
Thanks for your thoughts. Im afraid though that being replaced turns out not to have been in my head, looks like its actually happened now. My friend won't even seem to talk to me anymore, and now my other best friend seems to be distancing herself from me to, so within a few weeks looks like i've lost them both.
I tried to talk to them about it, but there never seemed a good time to bring it up, so i never managed to. And now they won't talk to me at all so don't think i'll be able to.
I'll keep the therapist idea as an option, though with these recent events i can't see anything fixing them, i think i've just given up and shutdown. i don't even have the energy to go downstairs to check if i have any post.
thanks