ME

[izekrystal]

Me.
I’m 20 years old, and im still looking for a reason. I’m still trying to figure out myself, my feelings, my emotions. I know im young and that people have had it worst than me. I know also that everything that happened to me, I brought it on myself. I let it happened. There is no one else to blame but me. I have a lovely family that loves me and always gave me everything, but somehow I can’t talk to them. I feel like im going to disappoint them or brake their hearts. Since I was 15 guys became my priority, I dated plenty guys but they all only wanted me for sex. I created a reputation of being a slut which I deserved. I decided I didn’t wanted that anymore so I move out. I was able to convince my parets to move so we did. I decided to started all over, new state, new life, but somehow problems always find me or better say I always find problems I met a guy n I like him so mux but he treated me like garbage like I was useless. I was convinve I love him so I stayed eventhough it hurt so mux. It wasn’t till I met “C” that I realized this guy was wrong I left him and started dated this new guy everything was alright till I got pregnant. We couldn’t have the kid. We are both full time college student and we don’t have the money. I kept telling myself we were doing the right thing so I had an abortion. I am catholic so I know im going to hell. If I had been stronger and taken responsibility I wouldn’t feel like this. My boyfriend didn’t know how to handle things he said whatever I decided was the right thing. After the abortion everything became weird he left me alone and I felt like a piece of shit baby killer. We were able to get over it or so I thought. We are ok I guess but now im unable to trust him as well. I don’t have anyone to talk to no friends no life outside my house. I feel trapt, I feel like nothing will change I don’t know where to go or what to do anymore. I got to school and all but I feel this emptiness growing. No one notice it. I feel like im screaming but for all im o.k. maybe im ok and im just crazy for feeling like this maybe im just too much drama maybe I don’t know who I am anymore.

[shatteredhopes]

It is a shame that mainstream mental health ignores post abortion syndrome which is like a form of post traumatic stress disorder. But since you are Catholic/Christian, there is an avenue where you can find healing. The Catholics have something called Project Rachel. Many crisis pregnancy centers offer a post abortion counseling ministry called Heart. You are not alone. I too had suffered post abortion but found some measure of healing and hope through such a program. I personally believe if God exists, God is big enough to forgive, even when we cannot forgive ourselves.

Big big hugs! You sound like you are being much much too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, but when we know better, we do better. I know for me the depression magnifies every wrong I have done and every wrong committed against me. But at my most lucid moments I know, my thinking is distorted by the mental disease I suffer, and I am not an awful person, and I don't believe you are either.

Something a therapist told me once that stuck with me: imagine someone in my exact circumstances. I would have compassion for someone else, so why shouldn't I have compassion for myself? Be kind to yourself!

Wishing you love and light in your day.

[izekrystal]

((((dear: shatteredhopes))))
thanks for telling me about project rachel. A part of me knew something was wrong but i was scare to ask for help because asking for help will be admiting that i am not right. I know that i need to forgive myself if i want to move on, but it feels so hard to do. I keep pushing away people that cares for me and i can't stop it. I feel awful, but im going to try to keep moving.