when a tree falls....

[sndrsemily]

When a tree falls, does it make a noise if there's no one around to hear it? My opinion is no, although I don't neccessarily disagree w people who think otherwise. But in regards to a good metaphor? I have been doing everything I'm told. I got sober. I'm staying sober. I'm applying for jobs, although I got another rejection today. I exercise everyday and eat right and do my dishes and clean the litterbox. But it feels like a farce. You can keep telling me it'll get better over and over, but those are just words. And it's patronizing. I can't even go on my facebook anymore, although I barely know some of my facebook friends, they have lives. And their married or have kids or finishing college etc. It's not like I haven't tried. I have like 12 credits. And I don't want to be married right now or have kids. I would like to see my twin sister, but that's not possible. We were separated at birth and she doesn't have the money or vacation time to get a visa and visit. And we don't talk much cause she doesn't speak english. I found out I had a twin when I was 21, and I met her over there for a week. It was nice. And a little weird. I pictured a life with her in it after I met her. That's not going to happen anytime soon. This is my first winter sober. (7 months). My family doesn't understand that I drank because I was miserable, not the other way around. I am trying very hard. I joined a gym. I go to the library. But like I said about the tree, its all a farce. Its not a real life. A real life has people in it. And I could keep closing the door when I go to the bathroom, even though I live alone. But whether I close it or not, it doesn't change the fact that no ones out there. And I can keep living this pseudo life, even though I'm basically a non entity. But because no ones around, it really wouldn't make a difference if I just stayed in bed all day because no one would be the wiser. Its very difficult to care about yourself when you feel that. No one else does, and
no matter what you do, no one will. I mean its not like I don't have family. They care, but they have their own lives. And you who are reading this sort of understands what I'm trying to get at right? Or you wouldn't be in this depression forum. No matter what anyone says, its not a life if no one knows you exist, and it doesn't make a noise if there's no one around to hear it.

[Obayan]

Hi. Have you tried to google a hobby or something that you enjoy like reading, crafts, movies, etc... and see if there is a group closeby you can join in on? You would already have something in common to talk about so that would help.

[crystalgaze]

I just thought that I should say this to you & it's that:

Things can change & things may be different in the future/present.

If college is not for you, it's not for you. Find something that is, so that you can at least survive. (e.g. pay bills, etc.)

The only how you climb out of the hole is to keep trying, keep climbing, keep scraping dirt off the sides, so you can use it to your advantage.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( sndrsemily )))), I do very much agree with (((( Obayan & crystalgaze )))). I agree with what they say all the more because I very often feel the same as you do. There are times for me when it all seems pointless, when I feel pointless. This holiday season has felt particularly like that for me. No family. I can't really visit friends, who are with their own families. The libraries have been closed, so I haven't had access to the 'net. The laundrettes have all been closed, so I haven't been able to wash anything And, the plumbing in my flat has packed up entirely, until my landlord can get a plumber to call. I couldn't even go to a cafe or coffee house, because they were closed too.
So, when I say that I agree with (((( Obayan & crystalgaze )))), I say so with real knowledge of just how bad, just how empty, " pseudo life " can feel. ( I also am aware of how often I have read posts by (((( Obayan & crystalgaze )))) and found them wise. )
And, I can tell you, based from my own real, personal experience, that even what can feel like " pseudo life ", is not " pseudo life " ALL the time. Even in my lowest emptiest moments, I have found that there can be " moments of Grace, moments of meaning. " And, they can be enough, if only to get to the next moment, the next hour, when as (((( crystalgaze )))) so rightly says things CAN change. I submit to you that there is no way that you can be CERTAIN what will happen in your future. So, please DO keep trying.
If all else fails, there are things that can, in however small a sense, give you a moment of joy or meaning. Again, this ISN'T just a platitude. Last night I felt really low, I'd got through the afternoon on " auto-pilot ", trying to hide my despair and isolation and sense of sheer futility. ( " Don't frighten the normal people, hold onto the job, try to say " I don't know " when what I really feel is " I don't care. " ) But, I knew I needed something to take me " out of the shadows". So, I went into a second-hand DVD shop and nosed around and I found a copy of season one of the original Star Trek, with the new, upgraded CGI, at a very reduced price, so I bought that for myself. I have so many happy memories of watching original Trek enthralled, man and boy, and it never fails to make me feel more " connected ". Whatever, else I may or may not be, I'm still a Star Trek fan, still a geek. At least that part of me still works...!
And after that, I went to see a film that I'd been anticipating when I was thinking of things to keep me " centred " and out of " the shadows "... The film is called The King's Speech. It's the story of King Edward VIII's younger brother. A man who hated the limelight, in large part because of a crippling speech impediment, that made him almost-completely incapable of speaking in public, and led to criticism and mockery from his Father, George V and his Brother, Edward VIIII. However, when Edward VIII abdicates, his younger brother suddenly finds himself ascending the throne as George VI. The film is about his relationship with his wife, Queen Elizabeth, later to become the Queen Mother, and his friendship with an unorthodox Australian speech therapist, found for him by his wife...Who hasn't given up on him, even if he was close to doing so.
It made me feel better anyway...and that's enough for now...
Please do take care of yourself...Please do keep the hope of better days...