A year ago, I posted on here some stuff about ex-girlfriends and whatever. In the end, that really didn't matter so much. I decided to take on my real problems, which was my procrastinating in school and not taking my life seriously. Long story short, my life got better. Much better.
But I still feel bad. For a long time, the bad feelings went away, but I feel awful right now. I'm unhappy that most of the friendships I'd made in this town were ultimately meaningless. All but one of the closest relationships I'd had in this town disintegrated for no reason. Not my fault, I know. It was more about them than it was about me. But it did mean something to me.
Whenever I mention my depression, nobody really understands. Things don't suck for no reason. If I feel bad, it's 'cause something I messed up on is bothering me. And did I mess up?
I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm sad and I just want to feel better again! I wish things weren't so complicated. Do they have to be?
I started to teach myself the piano after I found one that never gets used in a back room of my college. I've realized since I started how much I've been bottling lately. And I'm afraid I'll burst soon. I went from being this quiet, weird friendless guy to one of the most well liked people in the school. But I still don't really have friends.
I have one... but she's an odd case. I fell for her a while ago, and I guess she for me... but neither of us can get close for dumbass arbitrary reasons that I honestly think are just excuses on both sides. But I'm okay with that. Having a friend like her is all I ever really wanted.
I just want to graduate and leave this damn city. Take my family back home to someplace where things make sense. And now I just feel like I'm rambling.
This is dumb. I came so far, I didn't need any help, so why is this so chaotic? What is racing through my head right now? Why am I falling apart?
Some people never feel lonely. I wish I were one of them right now.
Waking up crushed every morning
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DarthKobold
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Mon Aug 10, 2009 9:42 am
- Location: Tucson, AZ
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Hello DK!
First off, there's nothing wrong with needing some help. Have you tried a doctor or the college counselor? (My college counselor was one of my rocks.)
About those lost friendships, I feel you on that; I've had many of those, but the thing about it is that there are many people still out in the world, so it's possible you will find more. Maybe right now, the thing to do is to take a break. That's what I did when the disappointments got to me. Then, one day, I started searching again & went out to look.
About things being complicated & whether they have to be, perhaps they don't.
I know keeping it simple has worked for me. Maybe that's minimizing things, but it has helped me greatly. Now, minimizing is not the same as bottling (how I do it). It's sort of like I look at a situation. Then I ask myself: What can I handle? What do I want to handle? Is it necessary & why? I take on only what I feel confident with doing &/or what is necessary. The rest I make every effort to toss, like I'm throwing out trash, so it doesn't get me down & in the gutter.
Post if you need to alright?
Take care!
(((((((((( DK ))))))))))))))))
First off, there's nothing wrong with needing some help. Have you tried a doctor or the college counselor? (My college counselor was one of my rocks.)
About those lost friendships, I feel you on that; I've had many of those, but the thing about it is that there are many people still out in the world, so it's possible you will find more. Maybe right now, the thing to do is to take a break. That's what I did when the disappointments got to me. Then, one day, I started searching again & went out to look.
About things being complicated & whether they have to be, perhaps they don't.
I know keeping it simple has worked for me. Maybe that's minimizing things, but it has helped me greatly. Now, minimizing is not the same as bottling (how I do it). It's sort of like I look at a situation. Then I ask myself: What can I handle? What do I want to handle? Is it necessary & why? I take on only what I feel confident with doing &/or what is necessary. The rest I make every effort to toss, like I'm throwing out trash, so it doesn't get me down & in the gutter.
Post if you need to alright?
Take care!
(((((((((( DK ))))))))))))))))
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DarthKobold
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Mon Aug 10, 2009 9:42 am
- Location: Tucson, AZ
Thank you, crystalgaze! I appreciate it.
I generally just took the last couple days to figure out what was going on in my head and try to stabilize things. At the moment, a break is definitely what I need right now, at least until the end of the semester.
Things are only complicated when I let them be. And honestly, for a long time, my life was so dull that I thought I needed a little complication. But really, what I needed and what I gave myself at the time was just handling my concrete problems and letting everything else work itself out. Things turned out so well, I thought that I could somehow magically solve my other problems suddenly, but instead, I think all I've done is just stress myself out for nothing.
But really, I guess that's just what's been getting to me. I spent so much time on those other problems again that I let the concrete ones get out of hand, just like last time.
So I guess that issues like friendships and relationships are just things I have to let happen to me, instead of worrying about where they're going all the time. Yeah, I think I'm just going to take care of the things I know I can take care of and figure out the rest later. And I should swing by my counselor's office again. She's always been very helpful. Thank you again for your advice and just plain listening.
I generally just took the last couple days to figure out what was going on in my head and try to stabilize things. At the moment, a break is definitely what I need right now, at least until the end of the semester.
Things are only complicated when I let them be. And honestly, for a long time, my life was so dull that I thought I needed a little complication. But really, what I needed and what I gave myself at the time was just handling my concrete problems and letting everything else work itself out. Things turned out so well, I thought that I could somehow magically solve my other problems suddenly, but instead, I think all I've done is just stress myself out for nothing.
But really, I guess that's just what's been getting to me. I spent so much time on those other problems again that I let the concrete ones get out of hand, just like last time.
So I guess that issues like friendships and relationships are just things I have to let happen to me, instead of worrying about where they're going all the time. Yeah, I think I'm just going to take care of the things I know I can take care of and figure out the rest later. And I should swing by my counselor's office again. She's always been very helpful. Thank you again for your advice and just plain listening.
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Not a problem at all! 
You don't have to let the friendships + relationships happen to you per se. You can actually go out & look, but only if you feel up to it! The idea is to remain as open as you can for if/when the opportunity arises. Like for me, I am always so shocked when/if it happens that I forget to do things like ask for a telephone #, email, or whatever (like the other day). I was too busy trying to pick up my jaw from off the floor, so as to not look uncool or too eager.
If you have a problem that you don't have an answer for yet, you can like put it down briefly on a notepad or so. Map it out with lines/arrows, if you feel like it. By putting it down, you won't forget. When an answer hits you, you can just jot it down quickly.
Example:
Friends
|
--------------> Sit with someone new in the cafeteria....
------> Check out a different club.....
Those were ways I got to know of people & feel them out a little. (I don't know how things work at your school, though.)
Glad you are doing a bit better!
You will solve your problems; it just may take some time & thinking about them, which is exactly what you just did. Just keep at it! When you get stumped, you can ask for someone else's perspective or take a quick break!
(((((((((((((( DK ))))))))))))))))
Take care!
You don't have to let the friendships + relationships happen to you per se. You can actually go out & look, but only if you feel up to it! The idea is to remain as open as you can for if/when the opportunity arises. Like for me, I am always so shocked when/if it happens that I forget to do things like ask for a telephone #, email, or whatever (like the other day). I was too busy trying to pick up my jaw from off the floor, so as to not look uncool or too eager.
If you have a problem that you don't have an answer for yet, you can like put it down briefly on a notepad or so. Map it out with lines/arrows, if you feel like it. By putting it down, you won't forget. When an answer hits you, you can just jot it down quickly.
Example:
Friends
|
--------------> Sit with someone new in the cafeteria....
------> Check out a different club.....
Those were ways I got to know of people & feel them out a little. (I don't know how things work at your school, though.)
Glad you are doing a bit better!
You will solve your problems; it just may take some time & thinking about them, which is exactly what you just did. Just keep at it! When you get stumped, you can ask for someone else's perspective or take a quick break!
(((((((((((((( DK ))))))))))))))))
Take care!
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