okay, lets start. (triggering material)

[ceg_2002]

Okay. I thought that this might help. Either way I am interested in your thoughts as I no longer have any. At the moment I fell like a spectator in my life.
Okay where do I start. My family is messed up not especially messed up, but yes messed up. I am the second of three kids. Two sisters and a brother. My youngest brother is retarded and suffers from episodes when he gets physically violent. I was sexually abused when I was four till about seven. I don't actually know what is actually involved. I just know that I have genital warts before I was eight. It was a man trusted and indeed still revered by my family. When it was publicly accused of children molestation, my parents defended him.
I have always been a loner, not at all many friends. I was not allowed to have sleep overs or indeed attend outside school activities. My parents might seem protective, but I have wondered if I am simply needed to look after my brother. We are not at all a demonstrative family. I have never hugged any of my family and neither have they ever said anything about love. I have trouble with relationship, I feel very social awkward. I don't know what to say and really can't read body language. I have never had a boy friend and have only really had one close relationship my whole life.
Two years ago my elder sister left the country to get away from us, that was exactly her words. I lost the only person I could talk to in my family. This year my only friend, which is a guy, started a relation with a girl and then promptly got engaged to her. I read about it online on face book. I was told that only close friends and family was invited but I later found out he proposed in front of his church, which is nothing short of a cult. It is just that if someone asked me last year who my closest family member was it would have been him. I can't tell you how disgusted, angry and upset I was over been told that I was not important in his life when I always placed him important in mine.
Since then my life has been an ebb of low points. I have literally walked out of two jobs interviews. I have considered hiring a male prostitute and taking up all sort of drugs. I have gotten drunk several times by myself. I have made a list of possible suicide methods and have judged them by mess they made and pain involved. I have made it to a doctors office but walked out shortly afterward. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here.

[crystalgaze]

Well.... Hello there. I will ask: Are you male or female?

I would say go back to the doctor.

About your friend who proposed, if he has moved on without you, you move past him, too.

That's all I could think of at the moment.

Take care & welcome!

(((((((((((((( Ceg )))))))))))))))))))))))) [A hug for you]

[Obayan]

Hi. welcome to the forums.

You say your family is not a communicative one. That doesn't mean you have to be that way. Silence is what allows things to stay the way they are. If you want a hug, go up and tell your mom or dad, "i could use a hug please". I know it sounds cliche, but the middle child often times gets lost in the mess of the older child expanding their horizons and the baby getting all the attention. Especially when the baby of the family has an illness. Please do speak to a doc or therapist and see what kind of help you can get.