It's been too long since I last came in here to write. I'm sorta lost as to what i need to say.
I've been feeling really good. Had some good visits with my therapist, and the nightmares and flashbacks have stopped for the most part. I'm very thankful for that.
But there are questions that play over and over in my mind, and although the answers may never be found, I feel they deserve to be asked.
1. Does the abuser really move on with their life? Or do the memories haunt them as well?
2. How do abusers stay out of jail, and off of the police radar? It just doesn't make sense.
3. Why do I actually care about the people who hurt me?
4. Why didn't I ever fight it? Why did I just take it?
5. When things happened, and my mind separated from myself, where did I go? why can't I remember things?
6. Why do memories haunt me? when I know that they can no longer hurt me?
7. Why was I never strong enough to tell the whole story?
8. Why does it even matter anymore?
9. Am i a failure? A disappointment? A joke?
10. What makes a person want to hurt a child? A young girl? A teen?'
11. Will I ever really get past it?
12. Will there ever be a time when someone really cares?... More specifically, will there ever be a time when those who turned me away and called me a liar see that the only lie was in not telling everything that really happened, rather than exaggerating it?
13. Will I ever be able to forgive the little girl for not fighting hard enough. yelling loud enough. running fast enough. Or is the hurt my eternal punishment?
A Little at a Time (trigger)
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
Amen to your 02/09/10 post, (((( Warmie ))))!!!! 
I've been fortunate enough not to have ever experienced any form of abuse. So, I don't really know what to say in respnse to some posts. How could anyone hurt, terrorise another human being, let alone a child? How could anyone treat another human being as if they were disposable, as if they were nothing more than a light bulb, napkin, or paper plate? I don't understand people like that. I hope to God in His mercy that I never so change that I ever do.
So, (((( daffodilly )))), I'm sure I'm not the only person who reads a lot of posts that I don't have the wisdom to reply to. But, please don't ever doubt that your posts are read, read by gentle people of good conscience, ( Among which I would like to count myself. ), people who are hoping that you find your way to better days, healing and the answers that you're looking for.
( And you are CERTAINLY not worthless!!!! )
I've been fortunate enough not to have ever experienced any form of abuse. So, I don't really know what to say in respnse to some posts. How could anyone hurt, terrorise another human being, let alone a child? How could anyone treat another human being as if they were disposable, as if they were nothing more than a light bulb, napkin, or paper plate? I don't understand people like that. I hope to God in His mercy that I never so change that I ever do.
So, (((( daffodilly )))), I'm sure I'm not the only person who reads a lot of posts that I don't have the wisdom to reply to. But, please don't ever doubt that your posts are read, read by gentle people of good conscience, ( Among which I would like to count myself. ), people who are hoping that you find your way to better days, healing and the answers that you're looking for.
( And you are CERTAINLY not worthless!!!! )
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daffodilly
- Posts: 37
- Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
- Location: Alabama
Thanks so much Warmie. I really needed your hugs and support.
Often I feel that my questions are insignificant, unworthy of even being asked. I have been told so many times to just let it go, get over it, move on with your life.
And I have tried. But the dreams come, the scared feelings of being completely helpless, knowing what is about to happen and you can't do anything about it.
Those feelings are seldom gone from me. I hide them, put them in a little room and throw away the key so they can't come out and get me. But they're like wispy ghosts, or tendrils of clouds slinking under the door and through every crack they can find.
Before I know it I turn around and have to face the dark fog again. It encompasses me, and I feel lost. I move forward carefully, stubbing my toe on an unseen rock, falling helplessly to the ground. The ground is rough and rocky, and I crawl forward slowly, painfully. Every step forward is marked with pain, and still i'm fighting through the fog once again. I just want it to end.
I have discovered how to make the fog go away. In real life, when the fog covers the road and makes it hard to drive, I have literally sat and watched to see how and when the fog will lift.
Two things remove the fog, maybe more. I'm going from my own observation, not google, and I'm surely not a scientist
1) when the sun rises in it's full strength... not obscured by clouds or rain, but full brightness, the fog is gone in a matter of seconds.
2) When the wind blows hard enough, the fog is rolled away somewhere else.
So I suppose that I need to figure out how to make the sun arise in my life, because I've already fought through enough storms, struggled with the harsh winds... and the fog is never really destroyed by them, it is simply rolled somewhere else for me to have to struggle through at a later time.
I'm reminded of the song that Pebbles and BamBam used to sing on the Flinstones (100 years ago, I know, I'm old )
so let the sunshine in, face it with a grin
open up the windows and let the sun shine in.
=) I'm feeling better already =)
Often I feel that my questions are insignificant, unworthy of even being asked. I have been told so many times to just let it go, get over it, move on with your life.
And I have tried. But the dreams come, the scared feelings of being completely helpless, knowing what is about to happen and you can't do anything about it.
Those feelings are seldom gone from me. I hide them, put them in a little room and throw away the key so they can't come out and get me. But they're like wispy ghosts, or tendrils of clouds slinking under the door and through every crack they can find.
Before I know it I turn around and have to face the dark fog again. It encompasses me, and I feel lost. I move forward carefully, stubbing my toe on an unseen rock, falling helplessly to the ground. The ground is rough and rocky, and I crawl forward slowly, painfully. Every step forward is marked with pain, and still i'm fighting through the fog once again. I just want it to end.
I have discovered how to make the fog go away. In real life, when the fog covers the road and makes it hard to drive, I have literally sat and watched to see how and when the fog will lift.
Two things remove the fog, maybe more. I'm going from my own observation, not google, and I'm surely not a scientist
1) when the sun rises in it's full strength... not obscured by clouds or rain, but full brightness, the fog is gone in a matter of seconds.
2) When the wind blows hard enough, the fog is rolled away somewhere else.
So I suppose that I need to figure out how to make the sun arise in my life, because I've already fought through enough storms, struggled with the harsh winds... and the fog is never really destroyed by them, it is simply rolled somewhere else for me to have to struggle through at a later time.
I'm reminded of the song that Pebbles and BamBam used to sing on the Flinstones (100 years ago, I know, I'm old
)
so let the sunshine in, face it with a grin
open up the windows and let the sun shine in.
=) I'm feeling better already =)
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
Ok, let's do this by the numbers.....
1. Does the abuser really move on with their life? Or do the memories haunt them as well?
I don't now the answer to this one hon. I think if they had any ethics or morals they wouldn't abuse to begin with
2. How do abusers stay out of jail, and off of the police radar? It just doesn't make sense.
Because the abused don't want to talk about it. Don't want to make what happened public for fear of degredation and further abuse.
3. Why do I actually care about the people who hurt me?
Because you have a kind heart full of compassion and love.
4. Why didn't I ever fight it? Why did I just take it?
There are small little tactics abusers use to keep us under control. They are very good at it and we can't always fight against it.
5. When things happened, and my mind separated from myself, where did I go? why can't I remember things?
You went to a safe place. Some day you might remember, but might not. It's your mind's way of protecting you.
6. Why do memories haunt me? when I know that they can no longer hurt me?
Because it did happen to you. And it did hurt. And it still hurts to think someone is out there right now experiencing the same things.
7. Why was I never strong enough to tell the whole story?
You will be. One day you will be.
8. Why does it even matter anymore?
We are the sum total of our past. It's what makes us the person we are today. Our experiences, our choices, etc. The decisions we make today can only be made by drawing upon those past experiences. Therefore, out past still affects us. And you matter.
9. Am i a failure? A disappointment? A joke?
no. no. and no.
10. What makes a person want to hurt a child? A young girl? A teen?'
power. control. for some people, the only way they can feel good is thru others pain.
11. Will I ever really get past it?
yes.
12. Will there ever be a time when someone really cares?... More specifically, will there ever be a time when those who turned me away and called me a liar see that the only lie was in not telling everything that really happened, rather than exaggerating it?
that depends on them. not on you. you can't force someone to be the way you want them to be. Nor can you take responsibility for someone else's feelings or actions. Only for your own.
13. Will I ever be able to forgive the little girl for not fighting hard enough. yelling loud enough. running fast enough. Or is the hurt my eternal punishment?
someday, you will find it inside yourself to forgive yourself for what was out of your own control. And when that day comes, you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your heart, your shoulders and your life.
1. Does the abuser really move on with their life? Or do the memories haunt them as well?
I don't now the answer to this one hon. I think if they had any ethics or morals they wouldn't abuse to begin with
2. How do abusers stay out of jail, and off of the police radar? It just doesn't make sense.
Because the abused don't want to talk about it. Don't want to make what happened public for fear of degredation and further abuse.
3. Why do I actually care about the people who hurt me?
Because you have a kind heart full of compassion and love.
4. Why didn't I ever fight it? Why did I just take it?
There are small little tactics abusers use to keep us under control. They are very good at it and we can't always fight against it.
5. When things happened, and my mind separated from myself, where did I go? why can't I remember things?
You went to a safe place. Some day you might remember, but might not. It's your mind's way of protecting you.
6. Why do memories haunt me? when I know that they can no longer hurt me?
Because it did happen to you. And it did hurt. And it still hurts to think someone is out there right now experiencing the same things.
7. Why was I never strong enough to tell the whole story?
You will be. One day you will be.
8. Why does it even matter anymore?
We are the sum total of our past. It's what makes us the person we are today. Our experiences, our choices, etc. The decisions we make today can only be made by drawing upon those past experiences. Therefore, out past still affects us. And you matter.
9. Am i a failure? A disappointment? A joke?
no. no. and no.
10. What makes a person want to hurt a child? A young girl? A teen?'
power. control. for some people, the only way they can feel good is thru others pain.
11. Will I ever really get past it?
yes.
12. Will there ever be a time when someone really cares?... More specifically, will there ever be a time when those who turned me away and called me a liar see that the only lie was in not telling everything that really happened, rather than exaggerating it?
that depends on them. not on you. you can't force someone to be the way you want them to be. Nor can you take responsibility for someone else's feelings or actions. Only for your own.
13. Will I ever be able to forgive the little girl for not fighting hard enough. yelling loud enough. running fast enough. Or is the hurt my eternal punishment?
someday, you will find it inside yourself to forgive yourself for what was out of your own control. And when that day comes, you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your heart, your shoulders and your life.
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daffodilly
- Posts: 37
- Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
- Location: Alabama
((( tackingintothewind )))
((( obayan )))
((( Warmie )))
thankyou for you kind words. I often find myself in a place of simply not knowing what to say as well, but the heartfelt kindness goes a long way. and so many times, words aren't necessary. A hug, an act of kindness, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an helping hand... those things say more than anything ever can. Thankyou for taking the time to listen with your heart, to respond, and to reach out through cyberspace to offer comfort.
This is the most amazing site, so thankful I found it, and thankful for the loving people who visit and offer compassion, even through their own pain and hurts and disappointments. This place is amazing.... wait... I already said that, didn't I?
((( obayan )))
((( Warmie )))
thankyou for you kind words. I often find myself in a place of simply not knowing what to say as well, but the heartfelt kindness goes a long way. and so many times, words aren't necessary. A hug, an act of kindness, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an helping hand... those things say more than anything ever can. Thankyou for taking the time to listen with your heart, to respond, and to reach out through cyberspace to offer comfort.
This is the most amazing site, so thankful I found it, and thankful for the loving people who visit and offer compassion, even through their own pain and hurts and disappointments. This place is amazing.... wait... I already said that, didn't I?
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
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daffodilly
- Posts: 37
- Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
- Location: Alabama
so today has been really difficult.
I have fought suicidal thoughts all last night and today. although, i'm not doing so bad right now. and i'm thankful for that.
last night my husband and i were driving somewhere... had to meet someone. we ended up in a really stupid argument.. not even worth repeating.
I had nothing to hurt myself with. so i clawed my arm with my fingernails... until i was bleeding. he was in the truck beside me, but never even saw me or noticed.
He got out to get a drink, and i was still so hurt and angry and the clawing had not satisfied me... i dug in my purse but there was nothing there... that made me even more angry. so i got my keys out. they hurt, cause more bruising than blood. but i felt a little better. not much. just a little.
got home, went straight to the bathroom and cut myself over and over. and have been cutting all day... and i'm still fighting the urges to do more.
I have fought the thoughts of suicide all day as well. it would be so easy to just take the pills and go to sleep and never wake up again.
so easy to just give up. quit. never have to worry about anything again.
I'm tired. emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. I'm exhausted.
If i could go to the hospital for a few days, not the psych ward, but the hosp, i would go in an instant.
i just need to rest. to let my mind rest. but it just keeps racing and running... I feel like i'm running in circles in my mind. so i'm exhausted physically, and that makes it even worse.
i'm empty. and achy.
trying to think of a way to be hospitalized without going to the psych unit.
i'm tired. i know this is a stupid way to end a post. i'm jsut tired.
I have fought suicidal thoughts all last night and today. although, i'm not doing so bad right now. and i'm thankful for that.
last night my husband and i were driving somewhere... had to meet someone. we ended up in a really stupid argument.. not even worth repeating.
I had nothing to hurt myself with. so i clawed my arm with my fingernails... until i was bleeding. he was in the truck beside me, but never even saw me or noticed.
He got out to get a drink, and i was still so hurt and angry and the clawing had not satisfied me... i dug in my purse but there was nothing there... that made me even more angry. so i got my keys out. they hurt, cause more bruising than blood. but i felt a little better. not much. just a little.
got home, went straight to the bathroom and cut myself over and over. and have been cutting all day... and i'm still fighting the urges to do more.
I have fought the thoughts of suicide all day as well. it would be so easy to just take the pills and go to sleep and never wake up again.
so easy to just give up. quit. never have to worry about anything again.
I'm tired. emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. I'm exhausted.
If i could go to the hospital for a few days, not the psych ward, but the hosp, i would go in an instant.
i just need to rest. to let my mind rest. but it just keeps racing and running... I feel like i'm running in circles in my mind. so i'm exhausted physically, and that makes it even worse.
i'm empty. and achy.
trying to think of a way to be hospitalized without going to the psych unit.
i'm tired. i know this is a stupid way to end a post. i'm jsut tired.
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