i hate what i'm doing to my child

[sotired]

hi, i'm a stay at hom mother of 2 boys - 10 & 5. i've been married for 16 yrs. however, i never ever felt loved by my husband. He's a nice man, everybody says so & that i'm so lucky to have married him. But, to me, he's always about himself himself himself. Whenever he's not working, he's always busy with his own stuff - planting, playing with his remote control, playing his music etc etc. He's a shopaholic. He'll buy stuff that he already has, & he'll buy and buy and buy. And he messed up the house and he's one who won't care even if he's living in a sty.

My children are very good actually. My elder boy is in Grade 4 and he's work is very tough. I'm constantly making sure that he's doing well. Yet, he's so playful. He simply couldn't concentrate in his work. So almost everyday, i'll be yelling at him. I've many times tell myself to relax but whenever i let him be for a week or 2, his work starts to pile up and we have to play catch up and it gets even more stressful.

I've been having migraines so bad that i've seen several doctors to get pain killers but they don't help. Recently i've felt sharp chest pain. I've done a complete check up and everything is fine.

Then to add to the stress, my mum has been staying with me. I've never been her favourite and she's so used to picking on me. Every single thing i do, she'll complain. I give her pocket money every week and i hate it when she asks for it. Then, she likes to pick on my husband. If she sees me doing some housework, she'll grumble to my husband that he's not helping me. It really makes me so sick. So, now whenever, she's around, i'll just laze around. Then she'll complain that my house is dirty and again stress to my husband that he has to help. I have spoken to her so many times to just leave me alone, yet, again and again, she just has to meddle.

My worst fear, i guess, is that my eldest boy will end up like my husband's younger brother. He's already 35, yet, he's still being spoonfed. He doesn't have a fixed job and he blames my husband for it. He's playing music part time with my husband and he said that he's sacrifised for him and that my husband is making use of him. Fyi, he gets paid more than his regular job (if he has one), yet, he's not satisfied.
When he was younger, we've paid for his bail, help to pay for his education, brought him for holiday, bought him gifts and yet, he said he's sacrifised. I think he's such a loser. And i readlly really hate the idea that my son will end up like him.

I know it is not right to compare my son to his uncle. But whenever, my son gets lazy, i'll start thinking of his uncle and i'll start yelling at him. I am really so worried that he'll get the genes of my husband's family and be just like his uncle.

I hate myself when I yelled at my son. Sometimes, I get so mad that I'll say very nasty stuff. I've been trying to control myself. I'll walk away or goes to sleep. But most of the times, i Just snapped. And I'll regret it
later.

I've talked to my husband many times before and i've talked to my mum. But it doesn't seem to help. They just doesn't seem to care.

I need help to not keep snapping at my children.

Thank You

[Obayan]

first off, it's important to realise that your son is an individual. He may show similar traits as other family members, but he's not that person. In your overzealous attempt to control his actions and behavior, you might possibly be leading him down the path you don't want him to follow. I know in raising my children, that being rebellious and doing the opposite of what we want is natural for a kid as they grow and learn how to be independant and develope a sence of individuality. What I did, was I carried a picture in my pocket of my family. I had it with me at all times. When I wanted to yell, and scream and cry.... I'd take out that picture and look at it. I'd ask myself "are these the people I want to hurt? Because i know if i say this or do this it's going to hurt." The answer was always no. It helped me a lot in controling how I felt and taking control over my own actions which in turn helped me to sit and talk reasonably with my family about how I felt and my concerns. And that was the key to getting the behavior modifications i wanted.

Basically, if what you are doing right now isn't working, then find a different way to do it. This is just one way that helped me. I hope it helps you too.

[sotired]

thank you obayan you are absolute right. i should not compare my son to his uncle. i have concientiously told myself that. And when i stopped doing that, i was a better mother . Then the uncle started to create trouble again recently and once again the cycle started. I am now working doubly hard to not allow myself from snapping.

i'll try your suggestion. i'm sure it'll help coz everytime when i look at my boys when they are sleeping, (the time when they don't argue ), my heart just melt