My Story

[ThreeTimes]

I'm really struggling with the "My Story" thing. I've started writing this post three times already (this is number four), and it all seems like too much. I have more than 20 years of experience with depression, so I guess it's hard to condense the highlights (or lowlights, if you will).

Basically, I noticed my omnipresent sadness in second grade. By fourth grade, I was pulling my hair out. I've had a lot of happy times in my life, and a lot of incredibly low, discouraging times. Even when I've been happy, there seems to always be sadness in the background.

I've gone through periods in my life where I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Where I believed that the world would be a better place without me in it. Where I wondered why I wasn't worth loving...and wondered why I couldn't just snap my fingers and "be happy."

I was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin's lymphoma three years ago--I thought (and so many people told me) that maybe dealing with the disease would help me get a better perspective on things. And I guess it did, for a little while. But when the treatment was over, and I was "healthy" again, I was still dealing with the same issues as before--feeling lonely and unloved.

Lately, my depression has been out of control. Or maybe it just seems that way, because it's affecting someone other than me. About a year ago, I met a guy who I thought was pretty special. And for some reason, he thought I was special too. Being with him truly makes me happy. But all my happiness rests with him. I live thousands of miles from my closest friends--he still lives in his hometown and sees his friends all the time. He doesn't understand why I'm so lonely, and it frustrates him. He tells me that I "feel" too much...and I'm a drain on him emotionally. And I can see that it's hurting him, which hurts me. But I don't know how to make it better. How to make ME better.

So I've come here. Looking for folks who might understand--even though I've been extremely vague with what my experiences have been, despite being overly wordy!

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to get through My Story, the super condensed version.

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with and have had such a hard time of it. I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy. One way to keep from overwhelming him is to broaden the support network you have so no one single person is too overwhelmed. You started doing that by coming here. Lots of great people here who really care and want to help. Another way is to get into group therapy. Seems as though you've been dealing with this a very long time. There is also a chat room here that you might find very helpful too. I hope you get the help you need hon. Please keep us updated.

[ThreeTimes]

Thanks, Obayan. One of the biggest things I struggle with is having a support system. I literally have NO friends or people I can talk to who are located in the same time zone--and of course, usually my greatest need for support comes at night (as in, after midnight). I seem to do alright as long as I'm not alone...but these days, it seems that I'm alone all of the time.

I haven't had many good days lately...just good moments that seem to disappear as quickly as they come. I try to focus and tell myself that whatever is upsetting me is not that important...but I just HURT.

Anyway, just trying to think (but not overthink) things through. I used to write to sort through everything, but now, that doesn't even work much for me--usually I just come to the conclusion that I'm a horrible human being and not worth anyone's trouble.

[hollyann]

You aren't any trouble. And you are not a horrible human being. You are just someone thats hurting. You can post here any time. And like Obayan said we also have a chat room. The chat is open 24/7. So no matter what timezone you are in someone is always there. It has slow moments and moments that it goes by fast just keep with it, and you'll do fine. Its an international chat, so someone is always up with you. If it seems like you are passed over, or missed. Please don't get discouraed, just try again to be heard. As there can be a lot of convo's. But everyone, and everyones pain is equally important. You aren't alone.

Holly