School of terror

[CyCoLoner]

Hey!
I'll now try to tell you which circumstances made me be the person I am. But I warn you, some elements are quite shocking, especially some thougts of me and a comrade ... homicidal and suicidal.
A key element in all this is, as the title already says, school. Elementary school wasn't a real problem, but when I joined highschhol, life became miserable.
From the beginning on it was me who the other students picked on. Punched me, kicked me, stole my stuff. They ridiculed me. It was my haircut, my clothes, my behaviour in general. I'm not sure what I made wrong, but for some reason I was an outcast for years.
I was a loner, tried to live with this, but school was hell for me anyway. I needed seven years to get used to be alone. Seven years to learn how to be a loner.
I found one real friend, who had the same problems that I had. His life was made miserable by bullying. We used to spend our time at school together, discussing ‘bout our common interests. And we became really good friends. There was a third one, a friend of my comrade. He was okay, but for some reason I never trusted him really.
Okay, the following part might be the worst ... did I mention murderous thougts? Okay, it's all past and not to be realised anytime, but still ... a kind of a badge of shame.
I don't know, how we found out that we were thinking the same stuff, but somehow we did. My comrade and me began planning to shoot up the students and teachers who made our life hell. We learned to make bombs, we got weapons, we learned to use them. We were armed and ready. But we didn't do it.
One month before the operation was supposed to start, I decided to stop it. I didn't want to die or go to prison because of this ... so I talked with my comrade, and in the end we terminated the plans and preparations.
These plans kept me alive for several months, without 'em I had just shot myself in the head or something ... but in the end I could live without 'em. But unfortunately, my comrade couldn't.
Some students found out about our ... "special interests" and informed the schools principal, who then called the police. Two officers interviewed my comrade, but he managed to escape. On his way home, he jumped in front of a train and died from the injuries. After this, I was arrested an send to psychiatry.
Our weapons were confiscated, and after a time the psychiatrist let me leave.
I joined another highschool after these happenings, to get away from my past. In addition, I weekly meet a therapist.

So, that’s my story. Depression caused by school, solved by getting used to my role, and awakened again by losing my only comrade. This past made me be full of hatred towards mankind, and towards my former classmates and teachers in special. I became egoistic, misanthrophic, and I lost my emotions.
And day per day I’m asking myself ... what made my environment do all this to me?!
I survived all this, and I don't think that I'll blow my head off 'cause off all this, but anyway it's kind of hard to live with it. Dunno if anyone is really interested, but for me it's helpful just to write it down ...

CyCoLoner

[Emotional_77]

hey, just letting you know I read your story. Im sorry to hear about your friend. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me.

[CyCoLoner]

Thanks for your offer, Emotional_77. I guess it's never wrong to have someone to talk.
Whenever you need someone, you can PM me, too, of course.

[Emotional_77]

thanks CyCoLoner

[waiting4?]

Hi, CyCoLoner,
Your story really touched me. I work in a high school - a fairly large high school, by my standards - around 1700 students. I am sorry to read about your friend, but very glad to hear that you were pushed into getting some help before completing an action that cannot be undone. Everyone says, "High school is the best years of your life." That's balogney! I couldn't wait for high school to be over (20 years ago), and I am still thankful everyday that it is!
I think there are a lot more students out there who would be very happy to not be bothered by the cliques of high school than people realize. I see kids pretty regularly who tell me this whole education thing would be much easier if everyone would just respect their desire to come to school and learn - skip the drama, please!
Thanks for sharing - I hope you are doing well!

[loneranger17]

I'm pretty much going through the same thing-minus the homicidal plans. Its nice to know you made it out in one piece, it gives me hope for myself.[/i]

[CyCoLoner]

Hey waiting4?
Thanks for your words. Yeah, my thoughts are quite similar to your ones. I cannot wait to reach the end of all this. One year to go. But this one should be easy - the new school I'm in is way better. Even though everyone knows who I am, everyone knows, what I planned, hardly anyone has any trouble with me. They are kind of ... human? In contrast to the guys in my former school ...
It's better now. Yes, I'm doing quite well.

loneranger17, unfortunately there are many people who have to live with that. Terrible. And nobody really seems to care, they all just wanna live their own, easy lives ... The way through all this is a hard one, but it's able to make it.
If you fell like speaking to anyone 'bout this topic, just pm me, or ask for my UIN.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((CyCoLoner)))))))))))))

Read what you wrote. Thank you for sharing.

If you would like to talk to someone very supportive chatters, come to the chat room. A wonderful place to make friends, get and give support.

Take care

Warmie