My Story.

[vayacondios]

This is my first time doing anything remotely like this so please bear with me.

Let me start off by telling you how I appear to other people. I am told repeatedly that I am beautiful. I am what would be considered popular; I have more friends than I can count. I was homecoming queen and prom queen. I was a cheerleader, had a 4.0 GPA, and I snagged myself a full-ride to my state's university solely on my academics. I have no trouble finding dates. To everyone else, I lead a perfect life.

People are so shallow. To me, I am the ugliest, most despicable person I know.

From a young age, I always thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so sad all the time. My dad left when I was five. He barely speaks to me, especially now that I am an adult. Not that the material things are what matters, but he can buy my stepmom and step-siblings expensive new cars (Jaguar, Porsche, and BMW) and go on huge vacations and yet tells me that if I ever want to come visit, I have to buy my own plane ticket because he can't afford it. Even so, I feel so selfish for allowing this upset me because I have been blessed with an amazing stepfather who will go to the end of the world and back for me.

My mother is ridiculously manipulative. I am the only child, and she continuously makes me feel like I am a horrible person for nothing, and then mocks me when I cry or get upset about it. She mocked me and laughed at me when I suspected I had some sort of depression.

Mostly because of her, I tried to brush it off all my life. My first real run-on with suicide was when I was fifteen and had an abusive boyfriend. I allowed myself to fall so deep into a hole that I thought I couldn't live without him. I survived the suicide attempt, got away from him, transferred schools, and I was fine.

Since then, I've been mostly okay, graduated high school, moved on to college, yada yada yada. As of late, I can feel myself spiraling back into that hole again and I don't know how to stop. I am ridiculously lonely because I have no one to talk to. My college/future is stressing. I am broke. I live in a small town with my parents for the summer where "misery loves company" is an understatement. No matter how many friends I have, I still feel like I'm so alone in a room full of people. I feel so trapped. The only time I feel happy is when I go further south, so I'm considering a move to Florida once I graduate in the next year or so and can be independent of my mother.

I feel so selfish for feeling so depressed because I know there are people with much worse situations. And my selfishness only makes me despise myself even more.

[SOUP]

Welcome vaya.

I´d like to start off by congratulating you for mustering up the courage to step up and express the way you are feeling. Even though this isn´t the best way to get better it certainly is a very positive step; sharing with others.

From what I´ve read you feel bad for feeling the way you feel. You´re good looking, smart, talented, popular, a person like this shouldn´t feel sad right? Well, not exactly. Depression hits anyone, the rich, the poor, the tall, the short, it does not discriminate. Depression is a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. There are plenty of things that could be making you feel this way, your best bet is consulting a therapist and working on everything from the beginning little by little.

What you wrote also tells me that you have great empathy (feeling for others), and that is a wonderful virtue to have . I know that you will get better, and I wish you the best of luck. Your next step now is finding a way to consult a therapist, you can do this!

Hope I was of some use,

SOUP

[aim]

((((Vaya))))) So glad you found us.

Please remember that you are NOT selfish for feeling. We are all entitled to feel any way that we do. And besides... if we didn't focus on our own feelings, who would, really?

Depression is an illness. Not something you are doing on purpose. Please don't beat yourself up about it, ok? Just try to get through it the best you can and remember that things won't always be as bad as they seem right now.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( vayacondios )))))))))))))))

Welcome to the forums. There is a lot of support in here, from people that do understand what you are dealing with. Please continue postings and releasing some of the feelings that you, as many of us find the need to hide.

Warmie

[aim]

I agree with SOUP that it does take remarkable courage to share your feelings and put yourself out there. Sharing is a part of life that makes the circus worth it. We're all here for you, vaya. I hope you share again.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Yes it does take courage, something we all need to remember.

Warmie