I've had three good years of my life, then relapse hit.

[melancholyhill]

Maybe some of you can offer some insight. I know what works for me because I've been there throughout my adolescence up until about 22 years of age. I had a breakdown, many things lead that way, but I knew I had to do something, so I did. I had three good years and now... everything has fallen apart again. I feel like such a failure.

I've never sucked at interaction. I can talk people's heads off. However, I have trouble making lasting friends. I figured that out in junior high, a long time ago. It's even more apparent to me today, when I look around and realize that I have nobody to lean on. Nobody to talk to. Nobody that even calls to make sure I'm alive (save for my wonderful mother, but I feel guilty venting to her).

My stepfather was very mentally abusive to my family when I was in high school. My father didn't leave, he died. Massive heart attack. Still the worst day of my life.

My stepfather has his own harem of demons that he needs to get under control, but won't. He'd rather blame everyone else around him than admit he has problems. He's a horrible, disgusting person. I wish I were saying this out of anger, but he's proven on more than one occasion to be completely out of his damned skull. Accusing my mother of sleeping with his son, with her son, and every man that even makes eye contact with her. Paranoia, anxiety, anger management issues, the works. He's sick and doesn't want help and it's almost impossible to get rid of him, he's like a cockroach. Why doesn't my Mom leave? I don't know. I've tried getting her away from him, but he's very controlling. Either way, he's the root of most of my problems. The last time I tried he called me a whore (which was silly, I haven't gotten laid in years). I could really care less about what he says to me today, but he screwed up what was supposed to be the best years of my life. I really hate him. He's the only person I've ever hated.

I used to be married, unfortunately. Dated eight years, married for less than a year. I tried to get help after we moved in together, but his family didn't believe in depression. They just thought I was stupid and lazy. So, I left him and went all over the country. Trying to figure out what I wanted, but just ended up deeper in depression. When I came back, he took advantage of me and my worsening depression and hurt me in ways I can't even talk about. Part of me thinks he wanted revenge. Part of me thinks he was just being like any other man.

After I came back, I couldn't get back on my feet. No job, no money, no car, nothing. I couldn't even leave when I wanted. I ended up staying at my grandmother's house for a while and it got so bad, I attempted suicide. I drove myself to the ER though, before it was too late. I'd had enough and I wanted help.

I spent 18 days in a mental health facility that also catered to addiction patients, so that was... interesting. When I got out, I was medicated, but it wasn't helping.

Eventually, I got my footing back and found a good job. Things were going so well. I got my own place, my own things, everything. That lasted up until January of this year. I don't know what happened, but everything started falling apart again.

I have no friends around me that I can truly count on. My Mom is my rock, though, and she tries her best but I just can't let her become consumed with my screw ups again. She has enough to deal with. My only real friend lives states away and we've never even met. He helps me a lot, though, just talking and listening. It's not enough, though, and it's not because he's not a great person, it's because nothing is enough.

I ended up having to take FMLA leave to get my stuff together. My boss, who is also supposed to be a friend hasn't even asked how I'm doing. Which hurts. A lot. The HR woman at work is incompetent. They haven't even faxed me my FMLA paperwork, despite leaving several messages. I'll get it, though, if it means I have to march up there. I have no health insurance, so I'm getting the runaround at the free clinic, the place I went through during my last serious bout with depression. I don't even have a Dr currently, just a case manager who's younger than I am and keeps canceling my appointments.

I don't even feel like leaving the house nowadays. I buy things up to last days at a time just so I don't have to leave. I don't even shower. I rarely leave the couch. Even checking the mail is stressful, even though there's nothing there. I just... people are so mean and inconsiderate. I know that every person I meet can't be all that bad, but it seems that I just keep running into the wrong people. Or maybe I'm too much for them to handle, so they stop caring. I don't know, something's gotta be wrong with me. I have zero people in my physical life. It sucks, to have to deal with everything on my own and I don't know how much longer I can keep trying to convince myself that eventually, everything will be ok again. Just like it was not so terribly long ago.

I don't know what to do. I can't go back to work until this is taken care of. I can't handle this and my job. I'm barely keeping afloat nowadays and it's like everything gets worse with each day.

I feel like such a failure. Like I don't even deserve to be taking up space.

I am trying, though. Honest to god, I'm trying. It's just like no matter how much I stretch and reach, help just isn't there. I would be ok if I could just get back on my medicine. I know it, but right now... I can't just go to a Dr and get it, I don't have the money. That's why I'm doing the free clinic thing. I feel so hopeless. Like... nothing is working and nothing's worth trying for anymore.

This Saturday is my 26th birthday and I feel like I don't even deserve it. There won't be a party, I have nobody. What the hell have I done with myself? I have nothing to show for these years and I hate myself and this life.

I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do.

[Obayan]

I know how you feel. When my husband passed, I closed myself off from everyone. I sank into a dark dark place. I order my groceries online and htey are delivered. My daughter brings me what i can't get delivered. My nephew comes over to take out my trash. I quit my job. Worst mistake i ever made. But too late now. So I know what you are giong thru. I had to keep telling myself every day a few things out loud in front of a mirror.... 1. I deserve to be loved. 2. I deserve happiness. 3. This is only temporary. 4. Things will get better. 5. I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. 6. I deserve to be loved. It's not easy. But it does get easier with time. I'm now up to going outside as long as I'm with someone. I can even stay out doors for hours if someone is with me. Usually my daughter. Shorter times if it's someone else. It's taken a while to get this far. And it will take you some time too. Be strong. Keep fighting. This is one battle that is worth winning.

[Carlos_87]

I can begin to imagine your situation somewhat. My dad took every opportunity to put me down, growin up, issues that I'm dealing with today in my life. And in my introverted isolation by fear of getting hurt, I never had anyone who loved me aside from my mom and late grandparents.

I've also spent the last 3 years of my life, hidden away, barely going out of the house and severely under performing at times because of my frame of mind.

Sadly, some of us go into lock-down when we're depressed, I know that feeling all to well. And the state in which the world has gotten today, everybody's got so many problems and worries that they neglect niceties or the simplest of things that give us warmth.

It's true that in this tricked out day and age, there are a lot of superficial things and people in the world - some are cold as ice for various reasons/problems, others just aren't worth the time of day and treat others horribly. But even though well-being seems like a long shot, you gotta concentrate on the fact that, despite happiness coming easier to some than others, we're all aspiring for the same things.

Not one of us can survive without getting the things we need but any one of us can succumb to depression without them. So that somehow gives us all a common cause.

I guess I'm in no position to hand out advice since my experiences at 22 probably don't amount to much, or cause of the fact that I despise the place in my life that I am in now, but I have to agree with the poster above.

If there's anything I learned and can call my own, it's the pride that I will never admit final defeat to fate, and that I'm still here and alive, in a position to get better with the right amount of support.

All bad experiences just educate me and make me a better, warmer person for it. I get to begin to understand people like me and not turn a blind eye(God, I least I hope not).

The job I hate will be just one more chunk of experience on paper that might contribute to someday landing myself in a stimulating environment that I love and defines me.

Every person alive is in the same boat, terrified of loneliness and lack of affection, so that's the #1 opener to finding people one can count on. People are being loved out in the world while others suffer, but that just means that eventually we are gonna get our own. Sorry if the way I express myself is confusing, it's just hard to put some ideas in words.

[SUGAR]

i think i can understand feeling a failure. i was married to an addict 8 yrs ago, went through the whole "no money, sleeping in the car, he relapse, etc" situation,then we separated. I went to the doctor and said i might have depression. I stopped taking the med 2 yrs later, didnt tell my doctor. I was actually doing good. working 2 jobs,concentrating paying off the debt and bought a house. 3 year later, I was asked out.. I almost chickened out, but decided to give it a try...turned out he didnt want to have a relationship. at the same time, one of my best friend is getting married; found out my ex-husband was back to prison for 15 yrs. I wake up 5 times a night for 3 months, started smoking heavy, eating, but not feel the joy of eating. i cried when i thought about my ex... a couple days ago, I almost felt like the old me... I finally decided to go to doctor again, and maybe go back to the med. I didnt want to since I have no insurance now, but I do not want to feel sad, lonely again. on the surface, i am pretty, successful with what i have now, but I feel a failure sometimes that I cannot be loved. I have no families around me. just pets.

[Obayan]

((( sugar )))
((( carlos )))
((( melancoly)))
((( ))) <---- hug