Alone

[Scarlet]

Hi guys, am pretty new to this website. To cut a long story short; I'm 21 and have been suffering from varying degrees of depresison for the past 5-6 years. It has got pretty bad this past while tho. It feels as if life keeps throwing misery on my doorstep and theres very little positive I can grapple onto in order to stabilize my mood at all.
I don't have any friends;I do try tho. I started university recently;hoping this would be a fresh start for me;an opportunity to meet new ppl n have a bit of company for a change but it really hasn't happened that way at all. Ppl r nice enough;they say hi to me in class n that but thts about as far as it goes. The more I try to reach out to people;the more I seem to get shot down and then I feel worse that ever.
University was meant to be a positive start;its what kept me going when I was geting teased at college but now that that hope has been taken away from me it feels as if there really isnt anything to look forward to in life except more of the same and that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It's not all bad tho;I do have my family. It's just I feel so guilty n horrible for having gotten to this age and still being such a mess. It's not right;they shouldn't have to still worry about me. I feel like such a failure.

I can't eat so good or sleep at night;I guess I just keep replaying stuff in my head... I know it's not healthy but my mind just can't seem to switch off from all the negatives. I know I can't live like this much more,I feel like throwing up or crying my heart out most of the time. I need help. I've visited my gp twice within the past 6 wks;1 increased my meds and then anothr gp decreased them n refferred me to a psychiatrist. I don't think even they know wat to do to help me. I just pray to God something can offer me even a flicker of hope. The psych appointment is ages away but I've been told I'll hear back in 7-10 days about an appointment with a counsellor. So basicly I'm just in limbo atm;that why I was kinda hoping I could talk to u guys as u may feel/ have felt in a similiar situation at one time. I can't tell u wat it wud mean to know I'm not alone in experiencing this darkness. Any advice or support would b greatly appreciated.I really am struggling to find a way forward atm..

[sauer_kraut]

Welcome to DU!

I can relate to how it goes starting Uni and things just do not seem to change or get more difficult. I had to quit within the first few months due to my mental health difficulties. That was in 2002. I now am looking to go back to it and I am really excited about it. Don't feel discouraged because of that time frame..that was just how things were for ME. Now things are changing and I finally have some decent meds and a pretty good pdoc (or so I hope because I just started seeing the new pdoc today) and it takes time and communication with your pdoc and mental health advocates that you may have, therapist, doctor, whichever. Nothing will change overnight.

It is great that you have taken the steps to get well. Also, your interest in the forums here is an extra step that is a wonderful way to gain some support. It is free and there are a lot of people here that go through the same things and can relate. The friendships I have made here in only a year, are very important and valueable. I hope you find that same niche and home here. =)

[Scarlet]

Thank you for your reply sauer;it means alot. I'm glad you seem to be finally gaining control.Hopefully in a while I feel that way too;I understand that it will take time though and I thank you again for taking the time to reply to my post.

All the best with everything

[lynn]

In highschool I did not really fit in. I only had a couple of friends who were mean to me. At my first I didn't fit in. I made friends, then lost them quickly. It kept going on like this I got really But when I went to a new university the people were so much nicer and I made some good friends. Dont give up, you will find the correct place for you and you will fit in and make friends. It took me a long time.
You are not a failure! Things will turn around.

Good luck.

[Scarlet]

Thanx Lynn...
I hope one day things will finally seem to get better...feel like I've been going through constant lows for the past six years now. Hopefully the fog will soon clear tho.

Thanx again for replying to my post ..means alot

[average joey]

Hello Scarlet

I am new to this website and yours is the first forum that i read so far and already i feel like you and i have common ground to stand on. I can't give you any advice or anything i just wanted to tell you that i know your pain very well and i sincerely hope that you find a way out of the vicious circle. If you ever find a way to quiet your mind PLEASE share it with me

Good Luck wish you the best

Your friend
Average Joey

[Scarlet]

Really??
I'm so sorry your going through similiar negative experiences Joey though I can't tell u how much it means to know I'm not alone.
I have still a way to go and the situation with feeling isolated is still pretty much the same;but I am feeling slightly better than when I wrote the original post.
I'm hoping one day I'll be able to overcome the darkness completely but be sure when that day comes I'll let u know how I get there. In exchange for the promise that if you get there first yo do me the same favour? lol.

Thank u so much 4 replying to my post...
Hope things get better for you soon.
Scarlet

[Peep212]

Welcome home. Your story is very touching, as are many here. Just remember, you re with family/friends now that care and are willing to help. You are not alone any more. Hugs

[BlueberrySman]

your story was close to me. i have ony a little advice to give. those bad feelings you can shake. i suggest you try meditation. learning to meditate properly can help you focus on what realy matters and helps you leave the bad stuff out of your mind. i also hope you meet new people so as you seem like a lovey person. if you ever want to talk dont hesitate to contact the forum. its full of people who care. you are not alone.

someone loves us all.

[Scarlet]

Thank you Peep212 and Blueberry;your support means alot.
I'm studying for exams atm so I'm trying to focus my mind on that for the time being and avoid the heavier stuff even though it's never really far from my awareness. But one day at a time.

I hope you are coping ok blueberry,let me know how u get on.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Hi, (((( Scarlet )))), welcome to the forum!
Well, for one thing you are quite DEFINITELY not alone. I very much hit " rock bottom " around the middle of June last year, and wasn't sure myself if there was a way forward for me. But, after a certain amount of time and a lot of National Health Service support, I am now at least on the road to recovery(Ish! )
Seriously though, if your experience is anything like mine was, you will probably find that there is a lot of help and support that a psychiatrist can give you to start feeling that you can recover and see a more hopeful future for yourself. It will take time, my psychiatrist said that it was about making slow, gradual changes in my life, and laying a firm foundation for my own future, rather than " quick fixes ". He also said that my recovery from depression would be 90% motivation on my part and 10% what he could do for me.
So, please hang in there until you get to see a psychiatrist and/or counsellor. You are obviously motivated to recover and make a better future for yourself, so I'm confident that with the help that hopefully you'll receive from a psychiatrist and/or counsellor, you WILL be able to see at least the the start of a better future for yourself.
Also, if you are by any chance in the UK, have you considered contacting MIND, the UK mental health charity? I found them very helpful, perhaps if you are in the UK, they might have an office near you?
In the meantime, hang in there y'hear?! It CAN get better. REALLY

[Scarlet]

Hi Tacking Into the Wind. Thank u so much for your helpful advice;I'm glad ur feeling better . I have now had two sessions with a counsellor so I'm hoping that continuing with that will have some positive effects.
I hear what your saying abou the motivation part though.
Yeah I live in the UK have heard of the charity but have never really got involved;must definitely look into it though.

You keep hanging on in there too;it sounds like you've come such a long way already.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks (((( Scarlet )))), I'm glad that you found my comments helpful. And, thanks for the encouragement as well!
Good luck!

[blondie777]

Hello, I'm nineteen years old and the fact that I feel the way I do at such a young age, the beginning of my life, is what worries me the most. I am embarassed that the things I am sad about bring me down as far as they do. I wonder what I will do when I get into the real world and have to handle real issues.
In the past year I lost my uncle to a brain tumor and my dog to cancer as well but these are things I have already come to terms with. I am now upset over two recently failed relationships and issues with my best friend. She is also nineteen but has just recently had a baby with a drug dealer and they live in a very trashy area and are always asking me for money. She is always there for me to talk to when I need her but nothing more. She mostly brings me down by continuing to put herself and the baby in a terrible situation.
I have wonderful parents and an amazing little brother and all of them love me dearly but it is a role they are obligated to play and not a decision they have made. I want someone to love me who doesnt have to. I am not religious and as amazing as the whole experience sounds I have never had very much luck beliving in a higher being and find it all so fictional that I dont find much comfort in the idea.
I am going on my third year of college and have had a job and been saving for the last five years so I am set up for a bright future but I feel that having some one to share it with is all too important. I know I am beautiful inside and out and that I would be a wonderful partner but it seems that I keep attracting myself to guys who are too lazy to make the efforts that I insisit they make. I set high standards because I know I deserve it.
Bascially I have considered suicide and the fact is I know it wouldnt be the right thing to do because it takes all the pain and burden that I feel and it passes it off to those who do love me. It is the coward way out and would be the meanest most hurtful thing I could do to those people who do support me and those who dont would never know the difference.
I alwasy try to tell myself that the best things in life arent easy and you know you youre making the right decision when it involves work but it seems every time I begin to let light into my life something else tears me down and I cant seem to escape this rut Im in.