Illusions only left

[DreamCatcher]

well...here i am, my story began 19 years ago, but it was never written down
nor will it be now, this is just an introduction to who i am...
a young guy, an outcast so to say... well...i was never by a professional psychologist or something, i dont need that to know something's wrong...
the major factor for my depressions is my family i would guess... i'm living in an Islamic country... i'm forced to believe in God tough i hate him... better said i used to hate him...i dont believe anymore... but i have to pretend i do... and i'm gay... which in Islam is like... one of the worst things ever...u know what i mean. well... i found out for my love for boys when i was 13 and rape/seduced by our neighbours son(17 at that time)... rape/seduced cause ...i was forced but i didnt really resisted... moreover i developed some kind of "relationship with him" ... tough we moved and i never saw him again. since then... i forced myself to go out and "do things" with girls...so people would talk like "hey he changed his girl again" in order to hide my sexuality... i hate female bodies...they make me feel sick...second thing... i have an older brother. he's like the star of our family... i'm just the shadow he's casting...and it's not the usual 'buah im the younger one blablabla i need attention'. i heard my parents say many times how he is more important to them than me... that i'm just like 'running after him' always the second placed one... i became more liberate tough... i started saying my mind openly on some things...which lead my parents to distance themselves from me even more... im living alone now, talking to them like... once every 2 weeks. they are the dudes who made me i'm the dude they have to spend money on...that's our relationship. when was it i noticed something's wrong with me...very early.. when i was 8 or something...i read stories back then bout people cutting themselves... i wanted too but never did, it would show off my secret... i decided to turn my body in a golden temple, keeping it clean and always perfect...which makes me a guy with a cute handsome outside, but a very destructed inside... the pain i felt... slowly it wasnt only mental anymore...it became physical... a hard pain in the chest, not the heart...more the lungs... as if the air u breath "burns" ur lungs... when it's strong it makes me curl up...u know like a fetus does...i breath heavy...sometimes i loose my breath completely...it never lasts more than some seconds tough... but it comes often...
i wanted to share the pain... i started molesting animals...cats and dogs...but soon i stopped... their eyes... they seem so,loyal...the animals i mean... not long after my hate completely turned against humans...instead of animals...
since i was disappointed in the people...the humans as race, i turned to animals, i developed a love for them, i'm in the local fighters for animal rights society helping wherever i can... i created an illusionate world with the time... i hate the world as it is now... my goddess is nature...sometimes i talk to her...like people do to god, i just talk with the planet... i get lost in this dream world i created... lately i find myself confusing reality with dream...it kinda...sinks one into the other...which has no bad result... i dont wanna end up in an asylum... i'm normal... not completely but still...
from outside im normal...i have many "friends" people like me for some reason...but i dont like them... they dont know who i am...they just see the outside... they dont even care to find out bout me as long as... i dunno... but it's funny... since i dont talk bout myself i heard a lot of weird stories people make up bout u... like girls saying 'he's gay he didnt want to f*** me' which is kinda true but it's funny how they do it... or people saying im arrogant or something but i dont even know them...they never even bothered to talk to me...
of course there are those too laughing bout me and my weirdness...
ah damn, i've got enough... this is actually the first time i reveal so much at once bout me... i need a walk
bye

[xn728]

we do my freind, have meaning ,your faith or lack of it ,is something i know nothing about ,,i know it is very strict ,and restrictive ,,and yes i do understand your being gay ,is so big a negative to your parents and your religon ,,and i say your religion but i do take in the fact that you dont believe ,,theres a name for not beliving ,,its called freedom of choice ,,as strict as the religion is and understand me very carefully here i respect everyones beliefs ,and im only commenting here on your post ,,ok !!!
your being gay is not a big drama anymore ,,to your parent maybe as it has been to a million parents before them ,,this is something you feel it comes from inside ,you may have tryed to fight it at sometime but as you say you dont find the female form ,,desirable ,,i dont know how hard it is to live were you are ,but somehow you have to stop being over shadowed by your brother and carry on with your life ,,the life your making for your self ,when your not under the shadow of your brother ,,let him have his glory days ,if they cause you so much pain then dont take an interest ,,
the animal thing sounds good for you ,,,as with some humans ,,animals are persicuted also as you know maybe this will give you some relief and understanding ,,i cant really say much more about what you must do with your life and your parents i would be stepping into boundries were i have no right to tread ,,all i can say is about the praiseing the planet and nature there is nothing crazy about that its just you having something to believe in ,,and i would stand with you there as the planet and nature needs all the help it can get ,,We can only try to support you in your pain
and kind words may help you cope a little better ,,you are not alone in this world ,and that is the first step to feeling a little less helpless ,,,
this is a long dark road we travel and if you should stumble then reach out and we will catch your fall ,,,i hope you enjoyed your walk ,,and maybe we will hear more from you ,,,hoping i have sent a little warmth your way ,,,,,hugs (((((DreamCatcher)))))) These sybols of mans hope hang in homes all over the world ,,catch those dreams my freind ,,soon there will be a time when you can set them free ,,and all you ever wanted will be your for the taking ,,,and the making ,,,,,,,reach out ,,Love ken xxx

[DreamCatcher]

please, when u answer take no restrictions, say your mind. i respect other people's views, i dont judge them nor do i get insulted. so dont hold back words write whatever u will, and if it insults someone else, the hell do u care, this is my topic so i decide =p
well... i just came home from a long walk, and it rained lol i love rain, it kinda...washes away everything. and well, i was thinking bout my life, and it kinda sucks in every way possible... i dont know what i even live for.
bout the sexuality thing... well i do live in europe but... people here are still very primitive... they think homosexuality is a sin, a disease, sick... it's the kind of people who attack gays when they see them on street...
i do understand everything u say but... i dunno... whatever step i take it's the wrong one in their eyes... its like... one step forward making 2 steps back =/ it sucks really... i have the stigma of the black sheep in my family.
this is the first time i try to talk bout this stuff, and its hard for me to find words...its not that easy as it seems, maybe what i wrote seems to be some easy stuff but it goes much deeper and is much more difficult
...and dont say u're here to catch my fall...it irritates me, u dont know me, why would u help me? there's no sense ... if i was u and would read my post, i would rather help me die than help me live?
and Dreamcatcher, my username... i picked it cause i want to be a dream catcher, catching bad spirits-nightmares so the people can sleep still... not to help them... but to give those bad spirits a home...
in my opinion...a person is as much as good as much bad he carries inside of him (bad not in the meaning of being evil rather in the meaning of...well "carrying bad spirits")
and ken... i like that name... a person who stood very close to me and meant much was named Ken

[shatteredhopes]

When (((((((Brother Ken)))))))) says he will catch your fall he means he cares very much for the people in this forum and always, always reaches out to support others for he knows what the deepest darkness is like. Many of us have found a special family here in this forum where we can speak our mind and our pain and receive love that we cannot receive nor feel in 'real life' from those who so often judge or at least do not understand us.

I can sympathize that it must be very difficult to be gay and believe in a earth-based religion when you come from a Muslim background (which would be true I think also if you came from Christian or Jewish, any of the religions of the descendants of Abraham). Is there any way you can imigrate to another country, or even move to another town, where you can experience more freedom to be away from your family and be who you truly are? I would imagine the oppression you feel or suppression of who you are as a human being would contribute greatly to the darkness.

It is great that you have the animals and the cause of animal rights to devote yourself to. I worry for you that you feel you are in an imaginary world some of the time, as I know I once spent a lot of time daydreaming and in an imaginary world to escape the bleakness of my reality, and it ended up contributing to severe mental illness in my case I believe. I went half-insane for over a year, hearing voices, as if I had somehow broken the dream and imagination mechanisms by spending so much time in flights of fantasy...so I worry for you if you feel you might lose your grip on reality...and would encourage you to do anything you can to stay grounded as would hate to see someone else endure what I did.

Anyway, welcome to the forum! I have dream catchers above my bed charmed by someone who is part Native American and practices earth-based and goddess-oriented religion. I hope there is some way you can find to feel free to express who you are and bloom into your full self. And your closing quote is very profound...is it your personal insight?

[DreamCatcher]

yeah but i cant understand why would u help someone who u dont even know, just because u "feel the same"? naah that's not reason enough to me, i mean i could be like...whoever and u trust me that easily? i came here to talk bout how i "feel", to find people similar like me... and what do i find, acceptance and love? i mean common... how can u trust so easily, i could never do that... i dont believe in love and blablabla, it doesnt fit...
but, i believe u are older than me, so u had more years to experience life, i guess i'm just at the beginning

and after what u said, i guess it's already too late then, cause i do hear voices and noises where there aren't any, i see things that can't be there
but hey,it means my dream's becomming reality? then that's something good i guess

u mean that quote bout being a good person? yeah that's mine insight, everything i say is a product of my own thinking, i'm an individual, i would never use someone else's words as mine...

[xn728]

DreamCatcher,,,im unhappy you dont accept the way we give kind words and support freely and with trust ,,,trust does not come easily ,,and my freinds here that talk to you have had to build up that trust with us over many weeks and mounths ,,i myself when i came here a year ago nearly to the day as it happens ,,took a while before i could talk about the dark side of my life ,,so to us trust and love is important ,,its something you must learn to do ,,the words and support that we offer to you here is born of much pain ,please respect that and if you dont accept it then that is your choice,,,,and as you make this journey your on now ,it is for you to choose weather you make it alone or with some support from us ,,we offer our kind words freely and without reward ,turn them down if you like but dont question there origin ,,,theses words we give and the love we have for all sufferers are given by the very thing that trys to destroy us (depression),they are the gift of kindness and compassion ,,look around the forum and read some of the painful stories ,understand the power of this thing that overshadows our lives ,,,try to understand .Age has no bearing here im 51 and have batteled all my life with this illness just because you young doesnt make your pain any less than mine or you less worthy of support ,and as for trust we trust all those who enter her you can read about us without telling us anything about yourself ,,, that my freind is trust ,as you say you hear vioces ,,so do i .Just so you know i also have a shadow my (visitor)that is visible to me all the time . I destroyed my parents house by fire and have treid to end my life three times ,sometimes when you have so much anger inside you can push so hard that the very things that could help you on this journey become out of your reach . So your not differant really Dont turn your back on something you may not understand, to eagerly. Give it a while then see how you feel .And i will also add here that if what i say irritates you about catching your fall ,This is the way i speak to most here ,And i know it can give comfort to some here to know someone cares so much .This is the way i choose to use my words If it offends or irritates then you may choose not to read those words ,,,,,best wishes
Love Ken