My life story...... Triggering

[Meier]

Started off when my mum wanted a child, she wanted a little girl. But i was born male, and my mum didn't like that one bit, so she tried to change me into a little girl, by doing girly stuff with me behind my dad's back, so i was doing girl and boy activities up untill i was 5years old which was when i realized that what my mum is doing isn't right because when i was in a play group there was boy's and girl's and i didn't fit in with either gender groups... So my mum tried to kill me because i realized.

During the first 5years of my life i had Asthma and almost died, i got diagnosed with stammering aswell. Despite all the stuff my mum was doing, i was doing really well in school. Until i went into year 1. My teacher constantly screamed at me and told me that everything was my fault, everything was in my head and that stammering isn't real just a state of mind. At that point i was already confused about who i was and i couldnt do anything, i felt useless and worthless and completely closed up to the world.

Then primary school happened... and everyone stared at me like im some weird freak and no one could understand why i would randomly cry for no reason, no one could understand why i "spoke funny" no one could understand why i was really really girly. Teacher's couldn't understand so they still screamed at me, so i ended up loosing it, being taken to this room and trashing in it while screaming and crying...didn't know why i did it..i just did. And people started to be horrible with me...completely horrible and i didn't know why, i felt soo alone.. and my parent's were still hitting me so i decided to lock myself in my room after school and only coming out when dinner is done then going back to my room to try and save myself from everything... Then my mum and dad decided to fight...it got out of hand, i got in the way then i got the blame for everything that has happened....

Then i went to high school.. I had no friends at all, i didnt want to socialize. Then i got bullied by people at school, calling me weird and pathetic and they were beating me up aswell. I was confused about who i am, and i was really feminine and people started to make fun of me and call me by all sorts of girls name. And i was still hit by my mum but the hitting was getting worse... the name calling progressed at first i didnt think of it, then it got to me one name tipped me over the edge so i ran out crying and refused to go back... the next day i started to self harm and it carried on from home, to in school under the desk, in the toilets, everywhere.... i finished high school...i didnt do well...because of all the stuff that was happening, i showed my mum the grades in the car, she was hitting me while driving screaming at me, i un done my seat belt and opened the car door... i was ready to jump...then my dad rang me and told me its ok etc.. so i didnt and mum still screamed at me ... got home... tried to kill myself..... then i went to 6th form for a year to do maths again...ended up skipping it because i was being bullied on the bus and still hit at home, had no friends NO ONE!!!! at the time i had a girlfriend..she didnt help she just made up stories that i was cheating etc... she was hurting herself infront of me.... so i ran away....came back...more abuse from my mum at this point i was almost 17!!!

Then i went to the Colchester Institute to do Music...people made fun of me girlfriend, cheated...so towards the end of that year, i met someone wonderful and i was helping her...one day i was gonna kill myself half way through she texted me saying that she loves me..so i stopped and was with her.... we are now engaged....but we live soo far apart and it really really hurts she comes down every few months but leaving hurts....

I cant cope anymore... Im unemployed, haunted by the past, in a arguementive relationship, confused about myself, stammering getting worse, dad telling me im worthless, useless and threatening to run me over, kicking me out, being homeless for a while, not being able to speak out to people because of what happened to me. I really really cant cope anymore and what i've typed isnt all i feel most of it i cant explain. I have someone from here really worried about me, texting me and telling me to get help so i am....

Im worried to see a doctor because they might think im pathetic and all.... i have soo many anxieties....pff...sod it...

[hollyann]

((((((((Meier))))))))))

Not sure where to begin here. You do have the support from all of us. You are not a freak, you are not pathetic. And any doctor who doesn't understand that is not worth their salt. You should seek help. Some doctors aren't meant to treat certain people and there are some bad ones out there. But most are really good and really decent. And very helpful.
You aren't the only one, whose parent tried to make them something other than what they were. I am sorry that happened to you. And its natural for you to be having a hard time. Also please know that the abuse was not in any way your fault. You didn't deserve it at all. Not from people at school, not from people at home.
I know you said your stammer is getting worse. My son he has speech problems, if he gets angry, excited, upset, he tends to speak fast and is very hard to understand. So try to remind him to slow down when possible. Have you tried looking up maybe some fluency sentences or something to help with your stammer? Honestly sometimes when people have trouble with stammers, it can sometimes be because of abuse. I know it has to be frustrating to try and get out what you want, and then be looked at weird, or it come out badly. You are so not alone though.
And in spite of all you've gone through, going through. I know that you can get through this. The sooner you seek professional help, the better it usually is. The longer you go without it, it can get harder but not impossible. I wish you would seek a doctor out. I know it's hard, and it's scarey. Keep in mind though, some people get a doc that doesn't suit them. Because they feel like the doc is looking down on them or something, but that would be on the doc not on you. And if they do, its usually an inadequacy for themselves.
You're a good person, and you have a right to feel better. A right to over come this. It's just a lot of little steps but you can do this. And you have the room and the forum to back you. And be here as much as you need. And not judge you. You're courageous for saying all this.
I know long distance relationships are hard, but they are not impossible. Just takes time, patience, love and a willingness to work. Commitment on both parts, I wish you the best in it. But when its the right person its so worth it.

hollyann

[Mich]

It took great courage to tell your story. Thank you for sharing it. I am so sorry that you have been through these very painful times. I am glad to hear that you are pursuing help. Please don't worry that the doctors will think you are pathetic....you are not pathetic. You have lived through traumatic times and you need to talk to a professional. Please remember that we are here and ready to support you. We understand this pain.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((( Meier ))))))))))))))))))))

Know that we are here for you and we dont judge. People can be so mean, critical and judgemental. Dont worry about them, worry about you now and start to focus on yourself.

You dont deserve all of the abuses and treatments from your parents and from your friends, and they dont have the right to bully you as well, you are who you are and if they dont like it, thats their problem and its not yours. Ive seen you at the main chatroom and i see you as a wonderful and caring person.

I know that you dont know what to tell your doctor, so people at the main gave you a suggestion to write your thoughts in paper, and i know that you already have it with you. Now all that you need to do is find the courage to go and see your doctor and show it to him, let him know whats going on with your life. Dont be afraid, we will be here for you, both the main chatroom as well as the forum, please give your doctor what you wrote and tell us all about it.

Look into your heart and you will see who you really are

love
dandelion

[Monty]

Welcome to the forums.

I have no idea how you were able to cope with all of the physical abuse that your family inflicted on you. I was slapped across the face, hard by a parent 40 years ago and I can still remember that sting.

Also, you certainly haven't deserved all of the abuse that the people around you perpetrated over all these years.

You must be a very strong person to be able to take all of that garbage and still be standing. Good on you.

This forum has been very helpful for me over the time that I have been coming for advice, or just to unload.

It is a good place.