depression is my life

[xn728]

have i given in to depression ,i dont know ive lived within it all my life ,
ive never known anything else ,if i were free of it ,i dont think i would cope ,it makes me sad ,and it has me wondering about many things all the time ,emotions are something witch i dont share ,but i have raised a good family ,and have managed to hide most of the bad stuff ,it apart from constant misery ,has given me compassion ,and i care about almost everything ,im not selfish,or greedy ,i wish help and recovery for everyone but myself ,so yes i have given in to depression ,its my way of life now ,i like the way i am ,i feel differant ,and in a way i feel blessed ,
how do you feel about this ,some of you cry out for help ,yet i brush it aside in favour of the dark pitiless life,ive been told now i wont get better ,so maybe better to travel together rather than be dragged kicking and screeming till the end . i lead ,im sorry if this upsets anyone but its true i need my visitor ,it was the only freind i had till i found this place ,maybe i will need its company more than ever now
but you did want me to share ,i need my darkness i hope it doesnt go away ,,,,,,,,xn728,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

I don't know Ken. You have managed a good marriage and 2 beautiful children - I would think at some points in your life the lovely family you have created was more of a comfort and friend to you than the dark side visitor you speak of. I'm glad that you share here, and you are always so kind and caring with all of your responses to everyone. I am glad you are here, and if you think you need to be in step with the visitor, then I guess as your friend I will have to support you. But a big part of me would like to see you occasionally try to shake off the visitor for a while. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I also admire that you have been able to wear a good game face during much of your struggle. I wish I had that ability, but mainly I wear my heart on my sleeve and that is not a helpful trait. I am glad you feel blessed, that is probably the best approach I've ever heard when it comes to this affliction. You are special and you are blessed, I can tell by what you share.
Have a good day Ken. Be well.

[xn728]

hey blueisgreen these are very nice things you say to me ,very thoughtful
yes i have brought my family up and laughed ,and had fun ,but it was hard ,i have many masks i wear for these ocastions ,but im sick of fighting it now ,so i will just go along ,i wont feel any less pain ,but maybe
i wont use up as much energy fighting ,my childhood self still kept safe
inside me ,never got to play with freinds or run round in gangs at school
playing and laughing ,bullying was the only thing he knew ,as i got older
i was bullyied in the workplace called names even had my car damaged
just because i was differant ,i had this thing living witihin me ,and no,one
could understand ,so the reaction was to lash out at me ,so i have i suppose had to evolve ,i dont trust anyone on the outside ,dont like closeness ,and here on the forum ,i must admit i feel i must worry some users in some way ,just a feeling ,but i ask for nothing ,if someone doesnt
want to say anything then pass me buy ,i enjoy it here ,i try to say nice things to help people up .ive been very mixed up lately ,but feel better now ,again thankyou so much for your kind words ,,,,,,,,,,,,ken ,,,xn728

[blueisgreen]

I get it Ken. I really, really do. All of it.
You don't want to know the trauma of my childhood self.
I want to tell little Ken that he is OK, a good kid, and someone worth knowing and loving.
My masks are also worn thin.
As our kids get older, we can relax the mask.
They are out in the world and out of our daily lives
more and more. I know you live with your wife and perhaps
it is ok to slowly allow her to glimpse the almost maskless Ken.
I live alone so when my daughter is out I can curl up in my
bed and sleep the hours away. Last night she had 4 friends
over and I did not leave my bedroom once - I told my daughter I wasn't well
and she said "no problem".
The older they get, the more self sufficient they are, and that
is a good thing for everyone concerned.
Don't worry about others on the forum, as you say, they can skip your contributions if they
don't get you or your perspective. But I see many people here who care about you Ken. Speaking of, where is Crystal Gaze these days?
I was gone for a couple of weeks and I'm surprised to not
see her here now.
Be well Ken.

[xn728]

we.ll you know myself and crystal seemed to get on very well ,but i think shes afraid of men ,and maybe she feels uncomfortable ,ive moved on now ,she doent know me any more ,a chap on here has left a reply to one of my posts saying he will pray for me ,,ive told him definatly not ,its my deppression and it stays with me ,told him to pray for someone more worthy ,and crystal its not the same without her here ,but i can do nothing
shes pops in and out ,finding herself i think
ive said all i can ,ive payed all my life for things, nothing new to me
dont worry about thanksgiving ,turn around and we,ll all be there with you
blueisgreen
,,,,,best wishes ken

[blueisgreen]

Do you really honestly believe you upset Crystal?
I'm sure that if you did, she will let you know in her own time.
I'm sorry not to see her here, but it's probably a very good sign that she
is out and about and doing positive things - at least I hope so. One day she wished she had someone to make her tea, and I wished that that someone could have been me. I like to be a loving person, but then I can snap and be
a horrible creature too.
Ken, you can not be blamed for anything. If the guy wants to pray for you, that's his choice and you can not control that. Perhaps he will respect your wishes and pray for someone else.
For those people who believe in prayer, it is a huge honor for them to
pray for you. So Ken, you need not worry. All is ok - prayers or no prayers.
I will try not to worry about Thanksgiving - thank you for being there.
I wish my partner did not say what he said to me.
I also wish we were speaking, because I am leaving tomorrow, but I will not call him and appear "too clingy". I am perplexed as to why his x wife suddenly wants to have a holiday with him. He thinks she is being "generous", but I know she is up to something. Nothing I can do. No control.
Maybe it is all for the best.
I am going to venture out into the world now. I have not left my house for 3 days. Be well Ken.

[xn728]

i hear you about things i cant control ,but he must not pray for me ,he needs to stay happy himself ,i will not allow myself to be touched by his prayers ,if he comes to close to me the visitor could reach out and touch him ,and that cannot be ,i like to give kind words here ,but want nothing in return ,least not prayers ,,,,,,you will be alright outside ,we will walk with for as long as you want ,,,,,,wishes ken

[blueisgreen]

Hi Ken,
Don't think another wasted thought about that guy.
He is here to sell his blog and his "supplements", very obvious by
all of his web links. He's probably a sleazy religious zealot trying to make
$ off of a very vulnerable group of people. people who usually want relief
from their visitor. I think he is very transparent. We are all smarter than that.
We all do what we are ready to do, when the time is right to do whatever it is we are called to do.
I hope you had very sweet dreams my friend.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

[xn728]

ahhhhhh blueisgreen ,i have all my life tryed to get better ,for my family if not for myself ,doctors ,phychartrists ,support ,workerrs all promised they would make me well ,everything i was asked to do ive done ,and fought strongly to have peace ,but now im tired ,and have even been told i wont get better ,but they will keep me stable .so you see no one could have done more ,And what of you ,standing in my corner for me in such
an admirable way ,while i was abscent im very touched my dear freind
that you would do this for me ,thanks are not enough,,,,,ive reply to terry
and made it clear the matter is closed ,,,,,,very rarely has someone stood up for me ,,,thankyou ,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Create a great day today Ken!

[xn728]

i feel desparatly depressed today ,but im not talking about the pain ,no real piont ,i think the fact that i can cause upset on yet another thread ,causes me great concern ,im wondering if im really fit for human
contact anymore ,what a cruel twist of fate that this place that i sought comfort from ,makes me feel so lost and confused ,,,,,ken xn728

[xn728]

blueisgreen i can see why you got upset with terry ,and i agree ,he did answer me
without thought and abruptly ,thanks for defending me ,but it greives
me you had to become upset ,,,,,,,,,ken stay safe

[dandelion]

i think we need to stop talking about terrytunes subject and just move on....things will go worse if we still talking about it....just chill out and make peace, this forum is supposed to support each other..so please