We have been going out for a couple of months and it has been really hard for me to learn a lot of the truths about his life. I remember on our first date when I got to talking about my family and asked him about his he told me "I'll tell you about it on our third date" and I thought he was just being cute...hehe.
Well, I really don't know what to do. He has had a horrific life. He suffered severe abuse as a kid, neglect, and has a chronic genetic health condition to top it off which has made things more difficult. He has scars on his body that are a result of abuse and it pains me so much to know the sort of terrible things that he has suffered. He was left homeless when he was 18, tried to commit suicide once, and he's doing well now but it's so hard to get through to him. Like, I'll come up behind him to hug him or touch his arm when he doesn't expect it and he'll jump. He'll turn around and smile and give me a little laugh but he obviously jumps because the only time he was ever touched as a kid is when he was being abused.
He just blocks all his emotion out and just keeps it all away and I just want to have him let it out. I know he doesn't ever want to talk about what has happened and he'll joke about things but he never just lets the sadness out. He's opened up a little bit to me and he might as well be talking about some random news story for all the amount of emotion he shows about it. I'll be crying about all of the horrible things that have happened telling him how sorry I am about how he had to live through these things and he won't show anything.
He'll talk about these things and he always says that life is war and you have to fight for your life or die. I want him to know that it does not have to be this way, that life can be good and wonderful and it doesn't have to be this life and death struggle all the time. He tries to smile all the time and is so nice and wants to always make me happy but I know he isn't happy. I know that his smiles aren't real. He can smile all the time but his smile never touches his eyes. There is always so much pain and sadness in his eyes and even when he's smiling it's still there.
I remember one time I almost got him to cry and he smashed his emotions down with a hammer. He totally seized up and I could see him fighting them down and then, when he had them in control again, he kept going. If I spend the night at his apartment he won't want to let me go when he's going to sleep like if he lets go he's going to lose me. He also has tons of nightmares and will talk in his sleep and is always rolling around and sweating through his clothes. I cannot even begin to imagine what sort of things he is reliving in his head and I just want to help him.
He has told me that I'm the first person that he has ever gotten sort of close to and I'm his first girlfriend but he still holds back so much. I love him and tell him I love him and he will smile one of those smiles that never touch his eyes and just say yes like if he says that he loves me back some huge disaster is going to happen and I'll disappear. I just don't know what to do for him. I love him and I can't begin to imagine what sort of things have happened to him, the things he won't talk about with me and the things that cause all of these subconscious things that he does, I just don't know what to do.
