.My story.

[Jojosecretgarden]

Hi, i'm a chinese girl in an asian country. I'm depressed as everybody does and even the doctor or i haven't stated how sick am I. Sometimes i'm good, sometimes i just changed to another personality which frighten myself off. I starting feel blue 10 years ago when my sis get into bipolar disoder, hardly accept that, & we had delayed for her medical as my country lacked off the right medication information in this sickness, as i remembered, at that moment, most people out there judge her as "insane" and it cut me into pieces as i believe she still the sister that i love, and she will be back to me. 5 years later, my brother was in depression as well after being dumped by a girl friend who cheated on him. My love to family has become my emotional burden and i'm turn from an everyone like sunshine girl to a very quiet and anti social lady. I finally stepped into the black hole of depression when i had second time bad relationships, and this time involved abuse case & womanizer. All the plans and hard works that i still hold on to (career as graphic designer, a girl friend who plan well in finance and life, a daughter who always support mentally with family, & a sister who always the best listener of the depression sis), had finally collapsed.

I lose passion towards art, and i felt self-low estimate, no matter outing with any friends(who have marriage or successful career or any of them)
or facebook. I switched off my mobile, locked myself in room and anti every invitations to photoshoot(i am a photography lover), gathering, entertainments. I felt they all just sympathy on me and most of them just come back because i ever helped them when they are no one to turn to. I doubtful to human being as in the progress, few trusted friends or brother who even said it's my fault to trusting human 100% especially bf and one scold me that i shouldn't say 'sorry' too often that's why i've being beaten up. When i need love the most ever in my moment, i saw this people who i ever stand by them in any situation, speak cruel to me. Althought after that they regreted what they said to me as they knew well about my kindness, but, i starting build "hate" and "numb". After i starting think twist about frienships, i found, i have no one to turn to as i always the listener for all of them no matter i am at office or night time, but they only will care of me after they have really some freetime.

Lastly i freak out. I lost passion towards everything, the girl who love 'love', now doubtful if 'love without conditions' exist or only my good father & children do so? I ever blame my dad(how could i!) when my temper was out of control about human being, i blamed him, why born us all and teach us being kind to everyone?! " U see, that's the thing, we smile to people, we give and give, the return either is abit nice, no return or bad return.' That's why the chances of we being so loyalthy in relationship, so nice of all.. it's always not as what we wished. I blamed him for too protecting us from the bad things since we were child. and i blamed him for too controlling us to be moral and never desirer materialistic but youngsters out there all group up for trendy talks that we lacked know about. And it was the first time i mute myself about religion talks like, what for i being so nice and suffer to have unfair treatment.

It's turn me the hardest way when i am in this line call design and photography. I am like 10 years lack of from them as i dressed like normal girl who with jeans and shirt. Although i slowly changed, but the progress truly hard and killing me softly as in reality life, realistic humanity is everywhere.

Too much i have to follow and too many inside fears to fight off physically and mentally. I found this forum here and it seem like a safe place to open heart for, and give myself a try. May you all be well soon too.

p/s: i'm still improving my english, it's seem poor, but i try thanks for viewing this story dear all. And.. a sharing today: 'beautiful-eminem' is really beautiful song to hear of.

with bless,
jojo.c

[shatteredhopes]

Welcome to the site! People here I have found are very friendly, supportive, and understanding of depression and other mental disorders.

I know what you mean about being nice. People walk all over you. Much of your story is like my own, but I am an American woman in the USA. I have been abused, too, and not too long ago, my boyfriend, who was slightly abusive verbally and emotionally, broke up with me, and was cruel in the way he handled it. So I know, if you are prone to depression anyway, then something really bad happens like with your boyfriend, it makes it so much worse!

I don't know how much understanding there is in Asian countries of mental illness. Its getting better in the U.S., but some still view us negatively and treat us hurtfully, ignoring our dignity as human beings and our capacity for still making a contribution to the world.

Your English is actually pretty good! I look forward to learning more about you. Thank you for sharing your story, and wishing you a little peace and light in your day...

[Jojosecretgarden]

It's warm to get your reply shatter~ it's truly warm. My country is getting improving this year in the mental illness awareness, how ever, it's always one step slower than others. I not dissapointing on it as i always understanding we born to any where in whatever race or situation for some reason, and no matter you are from where, you make me closer to you like a warm sister with a lovely heart. I get to know you deeper from the other posts, very sorry and sad for what tragedies bring another kind heart person like you and the kids. OH! why so many jerks in this world to ruin other ppl's life?! It was hardly to tell others who never really into depression of how i feel mentally and physically, i felt like i am having WAR with myself everyday but infact i am at home doing nothing close to reality. My only good feeling normally during 4-7am is the precious moment that i quickly catch up to at least done a bit of art therapy, drawing (if have chance i show it to you ^^). but now, 2.37pm here and yes dear, u do turn me a light by ur sweet words. It's like a bonus of the day.

I don't know if you feel the same, because i saw the man who beat me like a heartless beast, my mind blank, and soon complicated and i'm numbed now. I can't felt baby who is smiling or crying is adorable, i can't felt happy when my best friend told me that she is marry and wish i was there for her all night, and the most shock part, until now, all the news about michael jackson death, or any latest news that ppl talking, i can't felt a thing that i felt before, and i lost my sense of humor whenever hear people joking, i will stare at them but i don't know why they laught. (I am ever a girl who used to SMILE in patience even stucked in LONG traffic Jam, now, my emotional just like rollercoaster. -.-")
It was weeks ago, but now i am a bit better. Althought i locked up myself in room, but i read some essential books, a video call "the secret" and i listen songs. I still feel low self-estime everytime on facebook and see so many other photographers(my pals) that have amazing photos and improvement but i am vomiting to see my camera. One of my best friend comfort me, but i tell her one scary truth that, when i go up photoshooting for their wedding, i went to the toilet and vomit and i hate to see all my photos. It's lucky that, she don't even blame me at all but she go to the website tutorial to learn photoshop and help me do all the photos silently and surprise me to tell me, she loves me. She is one of the best friend, that i still feel safe with.

Dear, i love friendship, i mean true friendship. And i felt people who in depression, mostly because they are the nice heart person.
Don't give up yourself as i promise i won't give up mine too.

Thanks again ((((shattered))))))~

I will try stick up in here and promised myself to trust back that's still have lots nice people. ^^

with love, jojo.c

[Mich]

Jojo - I am a Canadian woman who has read your story. I am so sorry that you are suffering and that you have lost your zest for life. It is truly a terrible disease that can take a lot away from your life. There are many people here who understand what you are going through and will support you. You have shown a lot of courage in sharing your story. Please keep fighting this disease with all the energy you can. Please know that we are here and listening. Have you ever had any treatment for depression?

[lisalou]

hello jojo, welcome here, i am too ill today to write much but I'm glad you found us and i hope we can help you,you are not alone any more

lisa x

[xn728]

hello jojo ,welcome to the forum you will find many new freinds here ,very kind and understanding people ,you can say how you feel here
we will not judge you and will offer all the kind words and help we can
welcome home my freind ,,,,,,,,,,,,xn728

[Jojosecretgarden]

Dear (((Mich)))
Thanks for sweet words. Yes dear, i been to 3 doctors before. 2 doctors who i sit down for 10 minutes and talk to them about my story and just that 10 minutes of my talking they make conclusion and straight away want to give me strong medication and sound like "next" (i wonder if like that i can be doctor as well?). I am reserved for that and cause my sister was one of the case who take medicines for 10 years, it help her to controll it but then nothing else can help for living in this life. Then after my tragedy happened, i met this 3rd therapist and her center therapists. Only that i found out from them many therapists of my country or other places don't have right moral as a doctor, they basically on "earning" money more than patience and time to cure a person. Last 2 weeks was my 1st therapy and it gone pretty smooth. Now that i know leaning too much on medication but lack of conselling, will be a non-balance situation, if it works, i will introduce to my sister who have been suffer in depression disoder for 10 years and only control by medication.
Thanks again for reading my message Mich, wish u well too ^^ LOVE yea~

Dear (((lisa)))
sweetie you are in no good condition but u stil leave me a message to showing u care. How sweet of you~! *\(^.^)/* cheers dear.. we can all defeat this zone by taking baby steps. luv yea..

Dear (((ken)))
thx for comfort words Ken ^^ This forum make a warm environments!
Yes, we are not alone.. friend, all the best to you too~ with love.

And wish all be well and bring the "happy" back~ hugss!
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A smile make you closer to me,
But friend your tear never make us apart.
love yea.