what makes the pain go away ,GOODNIGHT

[xn728]

the real answer nothing ,it never goes away ,it gets worse when i try to have a good time ,it ruins birthdays and christmas,es,it puts me under strain and makes me feel ill ,when i have to go out somewere ,o yes i look like im ok ,but lets face it ,im just a liar ,my life is a lie ,candy coated so as not to upset ,i make myself so strong on here ,but no ,not me im weak and given easily to others persuation ,im small and vunerable ,and even though there important my only strentgh is in my words ,but what of my words for the past few days they have been the words of a madman
so am i to lose this gift also ,do words really mean nothing ,surely not
this place is made of words ,it the very fabric that keeps so many of us going ,words put together in such a way that people blinded by depression can see them ,and know they mean something to someone else ,the words i see sent to me ,lift me ,yes always welcome ,but when i turn away they are gone ,and my pain is just as bad ,the only way i can get a little break is music ,every night around 9,10pm i put on my headphones and listen very hard ,songs ive heard 100,s of times i listen to every word and try to block out the pain ,sometimes i may get a couple of hours sometimes two ,but its always there when i awake its there for me arms outstrethed my pain. when i look in the list of posts here ,i see to much of myself maybe i should clamp it and give someone else a chance ,i say goodnight here all my freinds /onika/ warmie girl
im really not happy just now ,i do hope tommorrow is better for you all
but for me well ill be honest ,,,,i give in ,,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,,,,,ken

[Mich]

It is now Monday morning and I truly hope you have had a good rest...it can be very hard to come by. I am glad you have found that music can help give you some relief. I also have enjoyed music from a very young age and use it to try to dull the pain. I think that as a child, music was my only escape from the hellish life I was living. Please rise up again today. I hope something wonderful awaits you today.

[shatteredhopes]

I'm glad the music helps a touch...it can get under your skin and give you a lift sometimes...

Your words do provide comfort to me and others here. Carry on, strong warrior, fight the pain and urge to give in. Your loving wife needs you. We need you. We care and want you to have some relief. YOU DO DESERVE RELIEF.

I am sending brotherly love your way...

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))))))))

I type words, my mind works - tells the fingers which buttons to push, but I am real. Very real. I have feelings, emotions, fears, same as everyone. Doesn't make me a bad person, it only makes me human. Human to care for others, put value on the people that are in my life.

Weak? Do you really see yourself as weak, or another person that faces the depression, the anxiety? In my eyes that makes us strong! Strong enough to manage daily the ordinary things in life with this on top of it. Strong to love another, to care for another, not just ourselves.

A liar you aren't, you do the best you can, you know what you must do and you do it. You care for your family, you love them, you protect them. Not all can do that, for whatever the reasons.

My words may not mean a lot, but they are there, implanted into your mind and thoughts. No matter little or small, they are there. You will remember, just allow that to happen. Never 'clamp it', as you said. Continue to voice your feelings in the words you type, read the replies we type. Know there are people in this world that carry great weights in their lives, just as you do. Without each other, what would we do?

Hoping your sleep was a good one, that some of the stress let you be to get the rest needed. I can only encourage to continue the fight, continue letting the real "Ken" come out.

Take care please.

Warmie

[xn728]

why ,why why ,cant i see anymore ,i have my loving family ,of course ,i have driven myself into so much pain ,to deny them the vision ,of a husband and father ,crying ,and screaming ,everything in this life has been given to them by my guideing hands ,and at great cost to my health ,but this is what must be ,no half measures ,nothing would have ever stopped me playing that role ,but here is not a secret life ,but a place were i come to rest ,and tell ,and talk about what ive done and how i feel ,this is the only peace i have ,but the thoughts i have now and the last few days ,i dont understand ,i see things more vividly ,as well ,could this be the final blow ,is insanity round the corner ,normally i can go and lay down ,put things in order ,and yes ,im ok ,but no matter how hard i try i cant put it tidy on the shelves in my brain ,im frightened ,never before have i been frightened like this ,i have my doc in the morning ,i darent tell him anymore ,what if he were to hospitalize me ,what about fran and the girls hey ,ok no thought for myself ,its always been this way
this is how im built ,i want to run away from the forum why, im frightened
of hurting someone ,your kind words warmie ,how can i matter to someone ,i dont understand sometimes ,or is it i just cannot see clearly at the moment ,everyones so kind to me ,am i insecure ,i wanna run like a rabbit and never look back ,but i would lose so much ,im clinging on here for my very existance ,i dont want to go to that dark were i went back in june ,that breakdown was just unreal ,i was just an empty shell ,a cabbage ,that cant happen again ,please not again ,i dont share sometimes because its so weird and i think i will scare my freinds away if i lose my grip and fall i doubt if i will get back up again
if this had been last week i would have taken the tranks by now ,and i have got some ,but i havent taken any and im not gonna ,i talk to the doc tommorrow ,i may ring an anon help line as well ,,,you have made me feel like something again in just a few minutes ,thankyou so much ,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))))))))))

The words and thoughts your receive here in the forum are words from your friends. Ones that understand and care.

Take our warmth with you, to keep you safe at those moments of doubts.

We care, don't be blind to that and know we are here for you, always.

Warmie

[xn728]

warmie ,your words are so soothing ,and i dont mind telling you ,im weeping a little know ,you think hard about what you say here ,each word
placed carefully to mean so much ,and it does ,,thankyou so very much
i pray to my god every night ,ill say one for you today ,and your kindness
goodnight girl,,,,,,,,ken