Why Mr.Anderson, why?

[MindHalfFull]

I regularly daydream about death; how it would harm others if I took that turn. When I'm 10 on the 1-10 pain scale, it feels like my body is actively shutting down, I almost welcome it. I don't fear it, nor long for it. I feel like I'm maintaining a Ferrari, without a 4th wheel. Like me, it like me, I'm made to take the winding roads of life.

Seating against the back door, wishing to be strong enough. My head tilted down, eyes closed, mom sat exactly with me to say, "If you don't eat, I won't eat. If you don't sleep I won't sleep. If you end your life, I will too." I still get birthday cards from my family, sometimes a $20 comes with it. My family of old hugged when greeted and heading off, always saying "I love you" with those hugs. I'm not fake enough to fake back anymore. Despite their personalities, I struggle with them having learn the news. I dread the day my moms tearing eyes come with the look of assurance.

I also daydream about life too; how much good I could be for others, and those in need. I've imprisoned all my negativity, self hate and other deadly states of mind, though, some breakout and I have to capture it, putting where it belongs. A motto I use became part of my survival, to be proud of; my mother gave me life twice, and reminds me I'm doing over half of the effort, she just guided me.

This scene from a movie composes my life lived; I maintain a momentful being. I take a deep breath to continue, then breath out for this symbiotic car to take pride in knowing what this Ferrari could do, what I can do as I work on finding a fourth wheel.

A scene from The Matrix, for me, is emotionally calibrating: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onXznJzIm44