Not sure I can do this anymore

[eechyl]

I'm 23 now, and I realise that I've lived my life lying everyday. I would never voice any of my problems to anyone just to make sure I stayed out of the way, didn't burden anyone, didn't make a fuss about something that wasn't really an issue. There are so many things wrong with me, and I feel like no one knows me because I haven't allowed them to. I've let a few people in to a certain degree sometimes before, but after that progress I just revert to lying or omitting the truth again.

Since I was young (as far back as I'm able to remember at least) I've always felt like I was on the outside. I had friends and got along with everyone, did well in school, in arts, was well behaved, did sports and extracurricular activities, but all the while I've never felt like I'm worth anything. I have no self worth and I hate myself. Only somewhat recently after 12 weeks of therapy did I actively try to challenge my belief that I'm not worthy of love, and that a romantic relationship isn't accessible to me by default because it would be unfair and irresponsible to put myself into someone else's life like that when I'm such a damaged, messy excuse of a person. But whenever I really think about it, I feel like no amount of work will make me ready for a relationship. Even though I crave that connection.

Although an introvert, I get along with everyone, can adapt in social situations, and sometimes people are drawn to me, too. But I feel like at a certain point in the friendship, at the point where you'd get real with someone or confide in them, that's the line I can't cross. I always listen to my friends' issues and am so happy to be there for them if they need, assuring them of this, but I could never be so consistently open with another person like that in turn.

Too many things have gone wrong, all this time I've just been trying to keep my head above water and I really feel like it's genuinely not possible for me to move forward from here. I feel like I've just been spectating life, observing everyone around me having normal, fulfilling lives, experiencing everything one has a right to and feeling happy for them. Never do I look at myself and see a person that deserves anything. I don't feel like a person. I feel like I don't count, like this is some sick joke on me and everyone else that I just have to endure now because of all the people's lives I've wormed my way into just by existing. I genuinely feel like after being born, having the childhood I've had and turning out the way I have, I'm not meant to be here at all. Not meant to survive, because I can't handle it anymore and I can't see a way to carry on. Who else can I blame but me? I'm the one who's not strong enough, I'm the one who lived this way for 23 years.

[I4S]

I love you just for existing and for the scars of your suffering.
You're a warm being capable of love, and you need to be embraced just like you've embraced before. Just by being born, you deserve to feel the warmth and the safety of love. Your worth will not dwindle with your age, you're still the same person afterall, right? Deep inside, it's still you, it'll always be you, and you are priceless, you're one that can never truely be replaced, and every unique being or thing deserves to be known and heard, to write its own story that'll weave with stories of others. That's how you may see people, that's how I see you at least.
Let yourself be tired and weak, but don't ever think that you're a lesser being for feeling that way.

[victor]

You have exceptional writing skills. I read through every one of your articles, and they were extremely intriguing. Play Baseball bros.

[denimirka]

Hey, thank you for sharing all of this. It takes a lot of courage to be so open about how you’re feeling, especially when you’ve spent so much of your life holding everything in. That in itself shows strength, even if you don’t feel strong right now.

What you wrote really resonated with me, especially the part about feeling like you’re just “spectating life” while everyone else seems to move forward. You’re not alone in that feeling, even if it feels incredibly isolating. Many people struggle with believing they’re not worthy of love or connection, but those beliefs are not facts, they’re wounds you’ve carried for a long time. Therapy was a huge step in beginning to untangle them, and it’s not something that changes overnight. It’s slow, messy, and frustrating sometimes, but the fact you’re even challenging those thoughts is proof you can move forward even when you see 222 when stressed or feel like the whole universe is against you.

You say you’re always there for your friends, that tells me you already know how to connect and care deeply. That same compassion you give others is something you also deserve. Relationships, romantic or otherwise, don’t require you to be a “finished” or “perfect” person. No one is. They’re about showing up as you are, step by step, and letting someone else see the real you. That’s terrifying, I know, but it’s also where genuine connection happens.

I want to be clear: you do deserve to be here. You are not a burden. Your existence isn’t some kind of mistake or joke... it matters. Even in your pain, you’ve already touched lives by caring for others, by writing this post, by showing people they’re not alone in feeling this way. Please hold onto that, even if it’s hard to believe right now.

If you ever feel like you’re at a breaking point, please reach out to someone right away... a crisis hotline, a trusted friend, a therapist. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re elsewhere, I encourage you to look up the hotlines available in your country... there are people ready to listen to you, day or night. You don’t have to carry this by yourself.

You are not broken beyond repair. You are human, learning, hurting, and still here.. and that matters more than you might realize right now.