here comes the fear again

[xn728]

ive started to feel anxcious today ,i know something is coming ,i have felt fairly calm for the last two days
but when i woke this morning ,i felt the fear around me ,when i get this horrible feeling i know the storm
is coming ,the dark clouds on the horizon of my mind are rolling in sweeping away all reason as they fast approach .
over the next couple of days i will be consumed by negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness,everything
will be worth nothing ,and nothing will be worth doing .i will lay down soon as i begin to feel worse,i never
fight it now ,that use,s to much energy ,and i need that to journey to the safe room within my mind ,were russ my
childhood self will be waiting for me ,his torment is over now ,he became safe when the boy was left behind and
i became a man ,he knows the darkness is coming and the pain it will bring me ,but we will lay together as the
foul beasts from the life i had and have now circle around us ,and the visitor stands ever silent ,without
gesture, shows me the past ,present and sometimes the future ,the cold will creep around our ankles,slowly covering
our bodies in despair ,but even in hopelessness i will think of the good i have done ,my two clever daughters,my
wonderful wife fran,who when she walked into my life all those years ago ,saved me from certain death ,
the visitor will show me the record player melting in russ,s room as the flames consumed my parents home
i,ll hear my mother scream and cry as everything they had perished in the flames ,i will see myself as russ
so young walk into the flames as the life ,and all his dreams and freinds burn away in the embers ,once again
i will turn and walk away forever,in fear of my life and retribution ,hunted like a dog ,the life i have now
alone and without relatives ,and freinds .it will show me the room in my mind the one were the darkness has no end
but i wont go in there ,it is the place were from i could not return ,ive stood at the door and looked in many
times ,i cant share the childhood russ had ,we cant remember anything ,its just empty ,we have adventures together
when i feel well ,i love russ,i wish i could have been him longer ,the visitor always shows me new horrors ,
i always think i must have seen it all ,but the visitor is very clever ,each time is differant ,ive been here
many times and i will survive it ,i have who people depend on me ,the visitor has been with me since i was
seven ,in the future it will try to leave me as i die and try to take another soul ,but it knows that i will make it stay
with me and it will have to live the life i have in death ,if it walks with me now it walks with me then good or
bad ,i dont fear the visitor ,its the things it shows me they last in the memory a long time ,i think life is
a force and the and we live within it ,the visitor live within me ,there is a higher power/force
so maybe me and russ may rest at the end of our journey ,maybe the visitor will rest besides us it to
its been a long journey ,i will go to russ soon and the dark will come and the fear will embrace us ,but it will
pass and i will have learned to cope with some new horror,russ will sleep again and i will return to my loved
ones ,and they will be unaware of the passing storm ,,,have strength however hard it seems xn728,,,,,,

[crystalgaze]

Hey there Ken. I didn't really know what to say that could help.

I do want to send well wishes your way. Hang in there & do take care.

[xn728]

thankyou its alright ,ive been here many times ,im just wacthing a little tv ,(family guy) the storm is close now i can hear the demons ,the fear is in my stomach ,i will go to sleep soon ,and when i wake i will be in the darkness with russ,i will carry on the day as normal but in the visitors
world i will be taking shelter,the visions will come to me and remind me how unworthy i am ,but it will pass and i will have had another lesson
how long it lasts is down to how strong i can be ,,,,,,,xn728 ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))

A warm gentle hug being sent to you.

Warmie/Jeanie

[xn728]

it gets closer now ,and everything in the room ,seems like i could reach out and fall through it ,even though im awake xn728 ken

[xn728]

ive seen a lot today ,through the darkness came the visitor,the silent keeper of my soul ,i looked down at russ
as i rose into the dark clouds,he did,nt stir from his sleep his pain is over for now ,its my time today.
i feel frightend its cold under the floorboards of the old house ,i can see the young boy ,cold and scared
hiding from his parents ,the few shillings he had stolen from his mothers purse,gripped in his hand,all he wanted
was a few sweets.he faded into the darkness and was gone .i felt the sharp pain across the back of my hand
i glanced down the blood was dripping into the abyss,the skin gone from my knuckles were my mother repeatedly hit
me across the back of my hand with a fish slice for stealing ,it would be two days before it stopped bleeding ,and

the pain would last a life time .i turned to look at the visitor ,ever silent ,ever present ,the roar of the
motorcycle starteld me as it sped by ,it stopped a short distance away, the rider looked at me breifly ,the engine
of the big triumph burst into life and he dissapeared into world where he will always be free forever the rebel
he loved to be .he didnt recognize the old man he had become ,or maybe he just didnt want to ,from the dust cloud
the bike had left behind ,the dog came running towards me ,i can barly stand this ,oh god please ,its snowy
my lovely collie ,i came home from school one day and she had gone ,never a word spoken about her ,she looks
happy as she runs past me and fades away .so much pain the likes ive never suffered before .i want to go but i cant
i know ,it will pass soon im tired ,another figure appears in the room of never ending darkness ,just a shadow a faint
human shape ,its the wish i keep inside ,the visitor has shown me the echo of the brother or sister i wish i could
have had , shared a room and shared fun and pherhaps happiness ,the childhood i cant find anywere no matter how hard i
look .i think about my parents now and the pain i caused them ,i bow my head in shame as i think of the others who
misses there parents so much ,and i threw that away ,never talked ,or touched or loved ,so so take me down for i
am worthy of such harsh torture ,but i wont go to that dark room from were i wont return ,for theres an angel
in my life my wife fran who needs my presance to ease her pain ,and at such a time when im no longer needed here
i will walk with you the visitor into that dark place ,but i will hold your hand for i wont let you take another
xn728

[crystalgaze]

Indeed that was a lot. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ken))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[xn728]

the storm has passed now ,im very tired ,russ has gone back to his haven
the lonely biker forever blazes his trail .but i can regroup now and use my lesson ,to help me get through next time ,another visitor was with me when i awoke this morning ,silent and more powerful than my visitor ,it was the wind ,we have gale force winds in england today ,i do love the wind ,it blows away my pain and for a short while i feel good ,i will stand out in the wind many times today ,and you know what i may even smile
,,,,xn728 ken

[xn728]

a strange figure starteld me in the hall this morning ,as i went down stairs to make a cup of tea ,i glanced at the stranger ,it stared back at me with cold eyes ,un feeling and empty ,it mimic,ed the way i looked at its wisen face i screwed up my face as i looked at its sad grey face and it did the same ,it had the texture of an old tree trunk weathered by a thousend years of dark storms ,yet i could see sadness in its eyes i walk away i could look no,more,,,,,,i never did like that mirror. xn728 ken

[crystalgaze]

Yay for the wind! I hope you enjoy it!

I hear you on the mirror.... I don't really like them either. I am only glad they aren't too many in the house....

Take care + ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ken)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[xn728]

i was feeding the fish in my small tank in the garden ,a wasp was in there
wriggleing around ,i watched it for a few seconds and then i gently picked it out ,i carried it to thebushes in the corner of the garden and placed it on a large leaf to dry off, i looked at it 10 mins later and it was what i can only describe as drying itself off ,a few seconds later it flew off ,should its life have ended in that watery grave ,was that its destiny .does it know it was saved from certain death ,it could still have stung me whilst in my hand .after all it was still pretty lively but it did,nt why did i bother to rescue it ,i do this often ,slugs snails .moths ,spiders always moving them to saftey,i do feel compastion for everything ,yet i will spray the green fly that eat my plants ,or get rid of the flys in my kitchen ,i feed the birds ,and feel upset when the hawk swoops from the sky and takes one of there number ,but i understand as he proudly strips the feathers off his catch on my lawn ,that he or she is just surviving .how are we viewed by all these creatures ,do they get deppressed,have gods etc
just a thought ,,,,,xn728

[xn728]

hi all ,as i read the posts ,users often refer to god ,i thought i would tell you about my god ,my god is something that surrounds us all ,not in heaven but here on earth ,the very life itself that feeds every living thing
its in the air ,a force witch drives us all ,when we die the force that drove us is releised into the air once more ,it lines the clounds and flows in the rivers ,when the loved ones we will leave behind miss us so much the force will surround them ,so they will feel our presance once more .we will fly on the wings of birds and swim as fish in the sea .when it rains the drops will fall through the clouds and as they do the force from our souls will be carried down and will bathe the ones who miss our touch so much
i prayed to a differant god once ,i never ask anything for myself ,and i always prayed for lots of differant people ,but i was never shown anything to keep me faithful ,so the god i believe in now ,i ask for nothing ,its just going on doing what it does ,and i see the bad as well as the good
but it does,nt offer to do things it cant deliver

this is not an attack on anyones believes ,i respect all faiths this is purely my belief,,,xn728 ken