My world so far

[Depression024]

Hello, Im from England, UK. I am very new to this whole thing and im finding it very comforting to be able to discuss these things with people who actually understand and know how it feels.

Ill start from the begining.

I was born 5 weeks early, 3 weeks to open my eyes, weighed 3lbs. born 8th May 1988.

ok. My mom was 32 when I was born and we lived with my grandparents until i was 4 but even after then I used to stay with them often I loved my grandparents. Very close family. My biological father never had anything to do with me I never saw him. Mymom met someone and he became my step-father, like a father to me. then when i was 4 we moved in with him and i then had 2 step-sisters. so it was from my age of 4 - 8 me and my mom, step-father, step-sisters. When i was aged 8 my mom and step-father got divorced, step sisters were old enough as to move out and live on their own etc, so it was just me and my mom. we then moved at my age of 8 into a 2 bedroom house since we didnt need the bigger house anymore. Then when i was 9 my mother met someone and then when i was 10, my brother was born, my grandad died when i was 10. I looked after my brother, fed him, changed his nappies/diapers etc and i was 10. I guess after it kinda being me the only child for a while i got used to it and then my brother i think i got a bit jealous it was baby baby baby. Anyway, up until i was 11, i was very social always out had lots of friends couldnt keep me in the house, typical kid getting muddy playing around outside making dens and just being out all day. Then when about 11, i dont know what happened but i decided to or felt that i just wanted to stay in and not talk to anyone anymore, i cant remember why. anyway bullied at school, not really particularly good at anything, bad behaved at school. Missed out of a trip to paris then my behaviour improved. Found that i loved french and i really enjoyed that subject at school. didnt have many friends just ignored everyone and i kinda withdrew. stayed home playing computer games. then for the last few years of my schooling i was home-schooled. So i lived in kinda a social phobia/fear of going out i just stayed in. When i was 16 i went to NYC USA with my school, loved it. Not really interested in much. then finished school at around age 19. got my first job in an engineering company/sales,lasted 3 months got fired because i wasnt confident enough, wasnt efficient enough/thorough enough/concentration/self-confidence was low and i was slow at thinking. then i was unemployed for 7 months between Feb 08 and Sept 08.Got my second job for a hospital office and am still currently there 8 months in. Had a dog since i was 2 and she died when i was 16 broke my heart, my grandma also died October 2008 and i found out from my biological family- aunties etc they tracked me down and told me that my real father had died of a heart attack, although i never met him i still was very sad coz now ill never have the chance it felt like half of me died. im now 21. I am currently on sick-leave from work because i have been having a very tough time since leaving school ithink its because when i was at school i was in a cycle that i got used to day in day out and it became my bubble. then as ive become adult and had to work, im in a new environment.

Ive been struggling since i was 11 with the following.

(disorganized thoughts, difficulty concentrating and/or following instructions, difficulty completing tasks, memory problems.

loss of usual interests or pleasures (anhedonia); disturbances of sleep and eating; dysphoric mood (depressed, anxious, irritable, or angry mood); and difficulty concentrating or focusing attention.

Alogia, or poverty of speech, is the lessening of speech fluency and productivity, thought to reflect slowing or blocked thoughts, and often manifested as short, empty replies to questions.

Affective flattening is the reduction in the range and intensity of emotional expression, including facial expression, voice tone, eye contact (person seems to stare, doesn't maintain eye contact in a normal process), and is not able to interpret body language nor use appropriate body language.

Avolition is the reduction, difficulty, or inability to initiate and persist in goal-directed behavior; it is often mistaken for apparent disinterest. (examples of avolition include: no longer interested in going out and meeting with friends, no longer interested in activities that the person used to show enthusiasm for, no longer interested in much of anything, sitting in the house for many hours a day doing nothing.)

lack of emotion - the inability to enjoy regular activities (visiting with friends, etc.) as much as before
Low energy - the person tends to sit around and sleep much more than normal
lack of interest in life, low motivation
Affective flattening - a blank, blunted facial expression or less lively facial movements, flat voice (lack of normal intonations and variance) or physical movements.
Alogia (difficulty or inability to speak)
Inappropriate social skills or lack of interest or ability to socialize with other people
Inability to make friends or keep friends, or not caring to have friends
Social isolation - person spends most of the day alone or only with close family
disorganized thinking
slow thinking
difficulty understanding
poor concentration
poor memory
difficulty expressing thoughts
difficulty integrating thoughts, feelings and behavior

The above have been acknowledge by my employer since ive been at my new job because although ive been like this for years well since i was around 11 or it was more apparent since that age anyway i havent talked about it to anyone else. I had one week left of my new job and so ive now taken action of doctors who have given me a sick note and im now 3 weeks into my time off. so my action has kind of saved my job. can anyone make some sense of whats wrong with me? coz im so lost.

Well thanks for reading, can talk to me anytime..im totally confused about everything...i get panic attacks, sweating, social anxiety...a lot of other things i cant even describe properly, my stupid lack of common sense at work my boss has said to me that we can have a good conversation about something and get somewhere and then i just go through a "waterfall" and woosh i just act weird and exhibit all of those symptoms, i get angry when people speak to me and i just wish everyone would pretend i was dead and that id be left alone. I flip.

If anyone can shine any light on this id be so appreciative to listen to an opinion. Many thanks.

Depression024

[CritterQueen]

((((((((((((((((( Depression ))))))))))))))))))

May your path improve as you get older... may you find the peace and love and joy that your heart is longing for, and may you know acceptance and security with others you can deem real friends.

Blessings on ya,
CritterQueen

[Monty]

You are so very young and having to cope with all those hurts from your earlier life. There certainly has been a lot of things that have been roadblocks to you having a happy life.

I do think that you should give yourself a pat on the back, you aren't giving up. You are hanging in there.

I know that finding these forums, goes a long ways to helping me cope with my life.

Glad you feel comfortable posting here. Don't stop.

[redux]

I don't know what your condition is called but it reminds me: when I was younger I had some problems that got a lot better with time, such as fear of speaking out, spacial difficulties, being impractical. Also some kind of weird thought echoes and sense of thought time slowing down now and then. Around your age those were issues. My mind evidently rewired itself later on. (But creativity went down a bit with age.)

I would expect to take some time to overcome these problems. However, I bet it is possible to make short term gains. For example, some activities can give you more confidence and comfort around other people. Teaching and phone work would be examples--those are jobs, but there would be non-job counterparts to those behaviors. For panic attacks I think there are various treatments routes.

Sounds like your new employer is more understanding? Try to be in a job that doesn't stress you out too much and consider PT if you can't handle FT at the moment. (But PT is not nearly so good financially, at least in USA.)

[jer]

Hi Depression,

from your symptoms, it looks like you are having is a depressive disorder .
Most likely a combination of depression and anxiety.

mental illnesses cannot be classified and separated neatly. a lot of the symptoms overlap.

I would suggest that you meet with a psychiatrist.

Unfortunately for us with mental illness, we get a package deal from fate - which means , we just dont get depression, we also get generalized anxiety, social anxiety,chronic fatigue syndrome etc etc....

Your doctor might put you on medications, which will help you.

regards,
Jer