The secret side of a teenager (triggering)

[JamieW]

I lost a good friend to suicide when I was in High School. I didn't talk about it much because I felt ashamed and I felt weak. If he knew that I had felt the same way, would he have gone through with it. If i knew how he was feeling could I have done anything?

For me it started in Jr. High, I don't know what changed, hormones, new surroundings or what. But I just didn't feel the same anymore. I went through the all black phase, it fit me dark and disturbed, just like any teen feels at some point. My home life was less than idea, but I just avoided it as much as possible. I struggled for attention all through Jr. High, I became anorexic not to lose weight but because it gave me dizzy spells. I was involved in any activity I could be in. I tried to keep myself busy, tried to keep my mind focused on things that I could do and get attention for.

But the problem was when I didn't have anything to do, sitting in a class during a lecture, my notes turned from the lesson plan to my own plan. Ways to end my life. I drew pictures jotted notes halfway covering them whenever the teacher walked by, halfway hoping she would see them. I was fortunate to have teachers who really cared about their students. I know they tried, but i wouldn't talk, I couldn't talk about it.

I couldn't talk about it because I was afraid my parents would find out, I was afraid I would be shipped off to some mental hospital. I was afraid I would be labled and looked down upon.

Three times I tried to take my life. All I ended up doing was making myself sick the next morning and giving myself a few ulcers. No one ever knew, no one knew how really sad the quiet girl was on the side of the room. Of course no one knew how really sad my firend was either until he was gone. After starting high school I found new ways to get attention, I started turning towards boys for a self esteem boost. At the age of 14 I had my first taste of true love. He was 19 and I liked the attention I got from him, and the attention from the adults telling me he was too old and I was too young. I soon found out they were right, when he raped me. I couldn't tell anyone because I was forbidden to see him, I was afraid of the trouble I would get in. He must have felt good about it because a few years later a buddy of his said that I needed to go get an hiv test, but luckliy mine came back negative. After that I shut myself out from the world, I gave in to all the darkness inside of me and just wanted to disappear. I let sex mean love I felt it didn't matter anymore and became just a way to punish myself.

After I lost my friend I saw how devesated the people around him were. I saw his parents suffering. I also decided I was not going to copy him. I became overly involved in my music, I may not of been good but it gave me something to drown myself in. In order to keep the negative thoughts out of my head, I would often sneak out of classes and go in a back band room and practice or just cry. I was fortunate to find an escape.

After high school I began learning about depression and Post traumatic stress disorder. I started a healthy relationship, and my husband was the first person I shared my story with. I lost my sister to suicide a few years ago, and with having children of my own it prompted me to finally seek treatment. It is still a struggle, but at least now when the bad days hit, I know they are not forever.

This is just my story, I know there are thousands of others out there who have attempted suicide as a teen, and even more teens considering it, so please don't take your teens bad mood for granted, try to talk to them, or at least let them know you are nere for them no matter what.

[JamieW]

I have been battling depression and post-traumatic stress syndrome for more than 10 years now. As I have just passed the date of my 10 year high school reunion, my husband has brought home a large collection of my keepsakes, journals, and totes of crap from that time.

Why I started going through the totes I don't know. Yes there were some good memories, awards I had won from elementary on up, though through the years as the depression took over the awards became few and far between.

And then I start reading my old journals. I remember being in pain physically and mentally, but reading the words that I had written on those pages was very difficult to do without crying. I had a whole journal full of my goodbyes to the few people I felt might actually care about me. There was a letter apologizing to God for not being understanding and for being weak, and had a date of death of July 31, 2007 with the words "if God desires it so." While I didn't write it, I know that I had tried to take my own life that night and it wasn't the first time.

Obviously it was not God's plan for me to leave the Earth at the age of 16. I am now 28 and still battling depression. The difference now, I am in a loving and supportive marriage. I have beautiful children that I would never allow to grow up without their mother. But that doesn't mean I still don't have dark times, times when sucicidal thoughts come up in my head, but now they terrify me. Where at one time the thought of dying brought me comfort, now I am scared of it. I am scared of leaving my children.

Even if I still am battling my demons I am here today so I am winning. I have to always remind myself of that. I have overcome so much, I have earned the wonderful life I have now and I am not giving it up to depression.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

JamieW *hugs*

There aren't words to tell you how much your post has touched me.

What a wonderful thing for you to do, share as you have. Sure it wasn't an easy thing, but you did, you shared! Perhaps if just one person can read your words and it helps guide them to seeking help, what a great reward that will be.

You are truly an angel.

Thank you

Warmie/Jeanie

[Monty]

Jamie,

As much as we don't like to hear about it. I also think that it is imperative, if anyone in your life says that they are thinking of suicide (even it is seems to be said in jest) always take them seriously. For a lot of people that are planning suicide, I think that often they may try to say it jokingly, hoping that people might pay attention. But the people that are important in our lives, often would just like to be able to dismiss it.

Like I said, I always take any talk of suicide seriously. All age groups included.

I had a friend who took pills, with the intention of suicide and then called me. It was truly one the most traumatic events in my life. Especially since she had small children. Plus I didn't know what the hell to do.

No matter what anyone tells you, there is absolutely no doubt that the children who's parent commits suicide, is so much greater at risk than if the parent has stayed around. You can't dispute that one. That one was drummed into my head enough, it is the reason that I am here now. I would never want to hurt my children like that. However I did, at one point, try it myself. Know that had the potential of maybe ending my nightmare, but also destroying the lives that are closest to me.

You are very brave to tell us your story. It is not easy to dredge up memories like those. Even harder, I imagine, to actually type them out and see them on the screen.

Give yourself a lot of credit for hanging around on this planet. You obviously have endured a lot of trauma in your life.

I hope people will especially note your last line
"Even if I am battling my demons I am here today so I am winning. I have to always remind myself of that. I have overcome so much, I have earned the wonderful life I have now and I am not giving it up to depression"

Will give people hope. That is the greatest gift of all.

Thankyou

[aim]

Jamie,
Just read a lot of your posts, and you seem like such a brave, caring, and bright person. Don't ever give up on yourself... you are SO worth th fight.