Get it out, Get over it and Let it go...!

[1undone]

How many times has that been said or heard...? It isn't that easy.
My story, like others I've read here is an ongoing saga of internal warfare seeded in a youthful trauma suppressed/unaddressed or an imbalanced chemical physiology. Yes, it's easy to intellectualize on some level an understanding about what one experiences. But I can no longer deny a condition that has left a trail of under-education, under-employment and under-appreciation (for self) in my life. I sometimes feel like I've failed and let everyone down, especially myself.

Verbal, emotional and physical abuse is something more people than not experience during their formative years and they go on to live meaningful and productive lives, yet I for the most part don't think that I have. I don't want to end my life...I cherish every breath of life I take. I just can't seem to forgive myself for all the self-defeating behavior and squandering of blessings and opportunities that I've been given. Now, at almost 50 I look back and I see nothing I have to show for the life I've lived, other than broken promises, unattained aspirations and debt.
Damn...self pity really sucks...!

I could tell of all my wounded-child issues, foolish self aggrandizement and anger. But, however cathartic that might possibly be, it really wouldn't change anything and change is what I long for. The isolation and introspection has become numbing. I think about the man I believed I was and struggle to face the man I've let myself become...and it hurts...it hurts bad. I've got to get a handle on this thing before it's to late. I just wish I new how, without a hand full of pills and pouring out my soul to someone that sees me as a case study and really has no stake in my life. Still, I applaud and encourage those that have found some modicum of success, with these methods.

How amazing it is that so many are on the same journey to find peace from the scourge of depression, but find ourselves in such different boats. Sorry if I rambled or went off the deep end. I'll end by saying..I know first hand, that all the challenges of depression and it's related issues can be quite difficult, but we can't and shouldn't let it define us. I have to believe there is relief to be had and a wellspring of joy and calm that awaits, simply because we're worth it...!

[redux]

I like your post, well said!

I also have achieved much less than I wanted. However, even fame, fortune, etc. also would be empty without something more substantial in life. (Hollywood probably has as much depression going on as this forum.) If we eat, we have something so many others have been without.

[Monty]

Very thoughtful posting.

About all I think I can add to it is, if you feel able to share things with the members of the forum. You are not writing to a disinterested group of people.

As you say, we are all in the same boat.

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts. I am not a bipolar II, etc.
I am Monty with a bipolar II diagnosis.

May sound like splitting hairs, but I also feel that my illness is not me. It is just that, an illness. Which means the illness needs to be treated. I don't hear many people say, I am cancer.

Just thought I'd add my two cents worth.

[jer]

How amazing it is that so many are on the same journey to find peace from the scourge of depression, but find ourselves in such different boats

Very insightful undone.
People have different outcomes in their struggles against depression. I guess at your age you are having a feeling of acceptance of your situation.

Please dont blame yourself for not being able to boostrap your life again and throw out the childhood memories.
Some people are able to do it. Some people are not. Please be kind to yourself.

Has time mellowed the intensity of depression you feel?
I hope days are getting easier for you.

thanks
Jer