9 Years of Self Destruction

[TeachMeToCare]

To this very day I can't seem to stop my worst enemy, myself.

I won't start in the past, because the further I go, the more the past becomes irrelevant. Maybe only a few keynote things have shaped me. But for 9 years ive sat in the passenger seat, watching myself destroy myself. Opportunity after another passing me by, living to the bare minimum.

I'm really greatful for all the grace the world has given me, it could be worse. People have it worse. But that doesn't mean what I feel and the intensity of that feeling is invalid, which is why I'm grasping at straws, sharing my vulnerability in utmost honesty with strangers who will listen.

I have little to no positivity about myself. I feel as though I have no purpose and while that doesn't mean I want to end my life, it just means I can't be bothered to try. In the last few months my depression has been fluctuating and not smoothly I should add. A lot more lately I have really bad outbursts, probably from holding everything in for so long.

Has anyone ever felt like, after a while you're problems just sound like a broken record that keeps playing? Like they don't matter because you've said it over and over and over and sometimes maybe, to the same people, people you care about and want to vent to.

I don't know how many more times I'll see myself tell people, that I have no drive to live, no motivation to try, despite my intelligence, talent, and my views. It's so easy for people who have a fallback like religion or any kind of belief. Because then you're not trapped in this toxic cycle of thought, that asks why I'm here, what my purpose is, how do I know I'm living up to the expectations of a good person? You don't constantly analyze or try to find a reason. Or maybe you do even with a belief. But does anyone ever feel that way?

[her]

Hello dear, I see you are tired of the situation you find yourself in. Don't be so quick though, to conclude that you lack lustre in life. What about your hobbies? What are the things that you love doing? Music, dancing, etc. Start slowly (singing in the shower, etc) and renew your passion in life by engaging in the small things.
Like you mentioned, being a Christian can improve your life wondrously and it is a journey. If you will like to become Christian, pm me so we can talk.
Will be praying for you!

[Raspberry moon]

I can relate to so much of your post. I too am completely self destructive, in fact I live with my finger on the self-destruct button and it's exhausting. Even when I manage the veneer of normality, all that's running through my mind is 'what's the point', I know the point is my family, I have to keep going for them, but it's an interminable struggle just to try and relate to any will to live, I live in my head and that's a dangerous place to exist, I know things can't improve, I've had depression for so long and truly believe it's a progressive illness in its chronic state, I think people can recover from a depressive episode, it's a bit like falling over, they get up and carry on with life, but depression that never improves is a different beast and condemns you to a very difficult life.

[blessedby4]

Someone once wrote Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.
In my dark times in my own life, I have found that focusing on the problems seems to make me feel worse. When I have felt hopeless, I also feel paralyzed to make a decision. Yet I have learned how to trust God, I find myself calling out to Him- often. Doing so removes the helpless and hopelessness. A verse I recently read says God can bring peace to your past; purpose to your present and Hope to your future. Here in this list, http://bit.ly/2dzXD4Q, I think you will find article #1 helpful.

[hope_sam]

I think the following bracelet is extremely helpful for people struggling with mental health issues: http://lembre.launchrock.com/. This bracelet constantly reminds me of what matters most in my life. Every thirty minutes, it buzzes slightly, and a picture I added to the bracelet pops up. I added pictures of my family, inspiration quotes, and pictures of my career goals and dream vacations. This bracelet definitely helps me keep site of the bigger picture and not get caught up in the small things...New version coming out soon...

[Littlegirl]

Hey dear,

I can rely to you so much. I feel like I sounds like an broken record to people around me. Like people think I just feel sorry for myself and keep repeating myself. But what if my problem didn't go away yet... what if it's getting even worse...

Im so sorry about your situation. It's so sad that sometimes we are the worst enemies of ourselves...