Constant Struggle, but Persevering Survivor

[cmitchell]

Hi, my name is Cailin. I am 21 (almost 22 years old) who successfully just graduated from a university. I have a loving family and a few close friends. There is even a boyfriend. I am leaving for a once in a lifetime trip to Europe for two months in middle September. I have an adorable kitten who is the best thing to ever happen to me. I even have a part time job doing something I enjoy doing, the money isn't all that bad either. Even though it would seem like I have everything that should make me happy, I find myself more miserable than ever because of depression.

I hate how this "disease" negates the most positive aspects in my life. I have had a few meltdowns within the past three days in which I find my head exploding with pain from the continuous tears. I have found myself feeling utterly alone because I have never had a best friend. I have never had that one person who I can run to whenever anything significant happens during my day. I don't have that one person to pain my nails with or gossip about the latest boy drama. I don't have that one person who always nags me to hang out with them. Yes I have friends, but none that I feel I can openly discuss my deepest darkest feelings too because in the past when I have tried its almost like what I have to share runs people off.

Because of the direction my past friendships have taken I have come to the conclusion that my one best friend needs to become myself somehow. I should be the only person I should have to rely on for my happiness. But how do I do this?
How do I develop confidence in myself to realize that its okay for me to be alone and its okay to do things on your own.
In the end I guess I am just figuring out how to support myself by myself. How do I become happy with the person I am?

Thanks for listening to me rant.
Words of wisdom and advice is much appreciated.

From one struggler to the next, we will survive.
Cailin